40 Days Race - Tolfalas Team

Contestants


 

Following the announcement of the first annual race around the major capitals of Balrog Cuttings, private donations began pouring in for the financing of Team Tolfalas. The two-man team consists of the eccentric inventor and champion cribbage player, Phlatulous Phogg, and his butler, Jean Gasse-Partout, a skilled translator in most of BC's languages.

The team revealed its main means of transportation today to an excited crowd of onlookers. The Graf Blofeld, the world's first steam-powered zeppelin, was built in record time.

"It's an experimental craft, and it may not last the entire voyage, but it should make good time in the early stages," Phogg was quoted as saying. "And we have more than enough funds to pay our way by local transportation where necessary."

Expressing confidence in winning the 100,000 kilos of CHOKLIT grand prize, Gasse-Partout remarked, "I have already bought ze big bottle of lotion for all ze acne I will suffer."

The bookies are less certain of victory. According to an employee of Tolfalas Casino, who wished to remain anonymous, "The smart money's against them."

In a brief test run, the steam-powered zeppelin clocked a respectable 60km/h, leaving a trail of thick black smoke. She now sits at the edge of Tolfalas Harbour awaiting the start of the race at noon, May 1, as the team continues to load supplies.

 

Travel Log: Phlatulous Phogg


 

1. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas
···
2. Thorn, Trimerga
···
3. Yojopolis, Yojopia

May 1 1001 AUD

The race around the capitals of BC started flawlessly at Tolfalas Harbour today. After the national anthem was played, and forgettable long-winded speeches were made by the race officials, Lord Pêlluin declared the race open at precisely 12:00, whereupon the bizarre variety of vehicles began to move. The assembled crowd of 20,000 excited onlookers cheered and waved flags and handkerchiefs as the teams from the various nations drove, flew, floated or submerged out of sight.

The following log has been received from Mr. Phogg, commander of Team Tolfalas, by wireless telegraph: (All times given in Westyol time)

12:00
The zeppelin Graf Blofeld is under way. Weather is fair. We have set course for our first stop, Thorn, capital of Trimerga, which lies 250km to the north.

12:05
Passing over New Wave Sound. Gasse-Partout is airsick and leaning over the side. Poor fellow. TSS Scaramanga of the Tolfalas Navy saluting us with cannon fire. Because of strong headwind we are only making 50km/h. Estimate arrival in Thorn 17:00.

13:10
Have reached coast of Trimerga. This place is as green and hilly as it looks on the map. Small farms dot the landscape. Gasse-Partout still airsick.

15:30
Passing over Hills of Silence. Other racers nowhere in sight. Uneventful race so far. Nice country this Trimerga, almost Shire-like.

17:05
Have arrived in Thorn. Mt. Pokey looms in the background. Mildly interested crowd waves at us. Customs officials have checked our passports, all in order. Looking for an inn and preparing for a restful 24 hours in Thorn.

18:40
Found a pleasant little inn. Dined on peasant pheasant and fish bread. Gasse-Partout busy draining the wine cellar. I am teaching the locals the finer points of Cribbage.

20:00
Off to bed. Will do some sight-seeing tomorrow before we leave.

1. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas
···
2. Thorn, Trimerga
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3. Yojopolis, Yojopia

May 2, 1001 AUD

06:30
Woke up. Gasse-Partout had a rough night. Turns out his Bloody Mary really came from a lass named Mary. Stomach problems becoming a pattern with him.

08:00
Shower, shave and breakfast. Inn serving brain jelly on red bread with hmunsa juice. This Roggish fare is rather heavy. Prices reasonable though, souls accepted on credit.

09:00
Walking off breakfast. Odd "threeness" about the place - trinary number system, three roads per intersection, three-story houses, three pairs of wheels on cars...

10:30
Visiting Thorn Public Library. Asbestos pages hard on our lungs. Large section of books devoted to Threeism. Interesting history section about the founding of Trimerga by three-worshipping Balrogs.

13:00
Picnic lunch in the park. Watching live street theatre on Triplicate Avenue. Classic Rog play, "The Jellyrog Trilogy." Bravo.

16:40
Back to the zeppelin. Getting up the steam. Topping up fuel supply with local coal. First time I ever bought coal from a grocery store.

17:05
Farewell to Thorn. Set course for Yojopolis, 320km north by northeast. Estimate arrival 22:25.

17:30
Passed over Mt. Pokey. More lovely farmland on other side. As we fly down low, we see Rog overlords calmly "milking" the hmunsa cattle of their blood. Thankfully we eat supper out of our packed supplies.

19:00
Passing over crest of Green Mountains. First accident. Crow flew into front-left propeller, denting it. Black feathers everywhere. Sent Gasse-Partout to effect repairs.

20:10
Crossing Yojopia border. It is now dark. Navigating by radar. We can make out the pattern below of the islands of the Pinky River delta.

22:35
Arrived in Yojopolis on the left bank of the mighty Yol River. Received warm welcome from Prime Minister on behalf of Her Majesty Queen Yoj. Luxury accomodations at the Sporea Hotel. Heading straight to bed as it is very late.

2. Thorn, Trimerga
···
3. Yojopolis, Yojopia
···
4. Balrog Cuttings, Teunc

May 3, 1001 AUD

07:30
Overslept. These beds are very comfortable. Each mattress filled with the down of 500 ducks. Breakfast, newspaper and TV in bed. They treat you right at the Sporea.

08:45
We were invited to a live radio interview on YJJY 99.9 FM. I described our stop in Trimerga and our strategy for the rest of the race. Quite simple really, just haul ourselves from city to city as fast as we can. Answered caller's questions. Disappointing, not one question about Cribbage.

12:30
Lunch at the House of Zoop. 999 different soups on the menu. Spotted the competition from UOSR sightseeing on the street. Tipped hat.

14:10
Went on guided tour of the Royal Yojopian Soap Factory. Free samples.

17:00
Attended Beltane Banquet at the Royal Palace. Black tie and tuxedo affair. Toasted the Queen. Five courses. Ballroom dancing, 77-piece symphony orchestra. Gasse-Partout's face red and swollen from all the slaps he earned from the debutantes.

19:30
Exhausting but delightful evening. Returned to the hotel for a 3-hour nap, as we must be awake all night tonight.

22:35
Back to the zeppelin for overnight voyage to Teunc. Plot course for city of Balrog Cuttings, 520km west by northwest. Estimate arrival in 8.5 hours with slight tailwind. Wave goodbye to Yojopolis.

3. Yojopolis, Yojopia
···
4. Balrog Cuttings, Teunc
···
5. Groovyton, Somnat

May 4, 1001 AUD

22:45
Passing west over the deep dark waters of Lake Floofenkaiyay. Only the moon's reflection disturbs the smooth black surface. Gasse- Partout and me steering the zeppelin in one-hour shifts while the other sleeps. Faint red glow behind us. Roggytopian team catching up?

01:50
Wind light, full moon. Passing over the town of Yonk near the Yojopia-Teunc border. Flamingo Forest off to the north. Flocks of pink birds as far as the eye can see. Wish we could have seen them.

06:40
We have arrived in Balrog Cuttings City, capital of the peaceful realm of Teunc. As the sun rises we see our own shadow cast before us. The CHOKLIT River flows slowly and brownly through the middle of the city. We flew past the Royal Palace where Her Lellowness the reclusive Queen Tamfiiris dwells with her husband, Prince Kudebeken the Wooden.

07:00
Exhausted from the overnight voyage, we check into the nearest hotel and sleep till noon. These Dwagin-sized stairs are hard on the legs.

11:50
Lunch at the House of CHOKLIT. Yum.

13:00
Strolling down Lellow Brick Road, checking out souvenir vendors. Bought sunglasses, keychains, had our pictures taken with our heads on Dwagin bodies.

14:00
Toured the local CHOKLIT works. Finest quality in BC. Gasse-Partout almost fell into a vat trying to steal a taste. Silly fellow.

18:00
Supper at the Tamf Mahal Restaurant. CHOKLIT curry, CHOKLIT tandoori, CHOKLIT samosa, CHOKLIT lutefisk.

19:00
Bedtime. Must be off at morning light.

4. Balrog Cuttings, Teunc
···
5. Groovyton, Somnat
···
6. Maggstadt, Maggestan

May 5, 1001 AUD

06:40
Woke up, had a quick breakfast, back to the zeppelin. Can't help the feeling I forgot something...

06:45
Ah. Forgot my navigator/translator. Gasse-Partout running after me shouting. I throw down the rope ladder. Leaving Balrog Cuttings City. Setting course for Groovyton. 300km west by southwest. Estimate arrival 11:45.

11:45
Arrived in Groovyton on schedule. Sleepy looking place. Colourful costume. Looking forward to a restful stay.

14:20
DISASTER! We lost one of our four steam engines as the zeppelin was moored outside the hotel. A raccoon, attracted by the hissing of the safety valve, sat on top of the valve. Kaboom. Impossible to repair. Top speed permanently reduced to 45 km/h.

16:00
Refreshed our spirits with a drink from the CHOKLIT River. It's much wider and lighter down here, not least from the inflow of its main tributary, the Milka River. Can't make milk CHOKLIT without a whole lotta milka.

18:00
Supper at the Magic Mushroom. Food has strange aftertaste, even stranger aftereffects. Saw four odd-looking fellows in marching band uniforms talking about lellow submarines and "Blue Meanies". Another Smurrow invasion beginning?

21:00
Checked into the Inna-Gadda-Davida Hotel. Strangest decor we've yet seen. Strange odours wafting down the corridors. At least these waterbeds are soft and warm.

May 6, 1001 AUD

07:00
Woke up. Checked out of Inna-Gadda-Davida Hotel. A night there is a rather surreal experience. As the bellhop carried our bags to the door, Gasse-Partout tripped over his hair. Bellhop said, "It's cool, Man."

08:00
Had breakfast outdoors in the Groovyton City Park with a meditation group. Interesting to see people floating without a zeppelin.

10:00
Checking out the folk music scene in the coffee shops. Get the feeling this place hasn't changed in 40 years.

11:45
Quiet lunch. Leaving Groovyton. Setting course for Maggstadt, capital of Maggestan. 330km northwest by north. Because of reduced speed, will arrive in 7 hours 20 minutes. Damn. Sure to lose our early lead.

15:05
Misunderstanding at the border. A squadron of Maggestani jet fighters intercepted us and almost shot us down. They were reminded by radio of the race just in time. Escorted us the rest of the way to Maggstadt.

19:10
Arrived in Maggstadt. Found lodgings for the night in the local army barracks.

5. Groovyton, Somnat
···
6. Maggstadt, Maggestan
···
7. Khazad-Dum, Khazadstan

May 7, 1001 AUD

05:00
Spent night at Maggstadt Army Base. Woken by bugler. *groan*

08:00
Joined soldiers for mess, calisthenics and obstacle course. Have already done more than most people do all day.

11:00
Went on morning hike and tried a bit of weapons training. Gasse-Partout dropped a grenade and almost blew himself up. Pulled him out of trench just in time.

12:00
Attended luncheon in honour of President MDD. Eating mixed with speech and applause.

14:00
Visiting Maggstadt Military Museum. This nation is armed to the teeth. UFAT War memorial carefully maintained.

16:30
Caught by secret service while taking pictures of innocent-looking Gothic Cathedral. Allowed to go free, but camera smashed.

17:00
Supper at Maggstadt Barracks Messhall. Everything is an appetizing shade of greenish-grey. Will teach soldiers how to play Cribbage.

19:10
Leaving Maggstadt. Just in time. An angry crowd of Cribbage "students" feels that the "instruction fee" was too high. Shooting at us. A wager's a wager, folks. Oh well. Off we go.

19:15
Setting course for Wibbleopolis. 705km straight north. Estimate arrival 15 hours 40 minutes. Another grueling overnight flight. Gasse-Partout and myself back to sleeping in shifts.

23:00
Caught in midnight rain shower. Zeppelin rocking. Gasse-Partout sick again. Army food didn't help matters.

May 8, 1001 AUD

06:00
Sunrise. Passing over ruins of ZAF. Deserted porn shops everywhere.

08:20
Coffee and biscuit breakfast in mid-flight. Passing over Hobbiton. Crisp, cool Shire morning despite oncoming summer. Definitely heading into the northern countries now.

10:55
Arrived in Wibbleopolis. Greeted by noisy brass band. Treated to brunch by Mayor.

12:00
Lunch at Bolco Bodger Bungalow's Restaurant. Hearty Hobbit fare with beer. Could get used to this.

13:30
Finally, a real Cribbage tournament. Wibbletrask Cribbage Society 50,000 members strong. Some of them have even come close to winning. Gasse-Partout staying out, prefers five-card stud. Some people's tastes.

15:00
Tea-time.

17:00
Supper. Gasse-Partout and myself really too full, but must respect local customs.

19:00
Dinner at the Presidential Palace. Dancing out of the question. Must find a bottle of antacid.

20:00
Waddled into hotel. First time sleeping underground. Low ceiling, legs hanging over foot of bed, otherwise comfortable.

23:00
Bellboy rang, bringing midnight snack. Told him to leave it at the door. Will eat when (and if) we get hungry. *groan*

May 9, 1001 AUD

07:00
Woke up in our Wibbleopolis hotel room. First breakfast, served in bed.

07:30
Re-checked the map. We were supposed to visit Khazad-Stan, then Wibbletrask. Drat! No problem, we'll go there, then backtrack. We're still in the lead.

08:00
Read the morning paper. Wibbletrask tiddlywink playoffs have got the nation's full attention. Poachers fined 100 Flokarini for hunting capybaras. Local scientist discovers cure for smurvacco mosaic virus. Race around BC covered in a column on the last page of the sports section.

09:00
Second Breakfast. Bacon and mushrooms. Where do these little guys put it all?

09:30
Watching "Eastfarthingers" on the Palantir. Gasse-Partout doesn't care for soap operas, listening to springle-ring bands on the radio.

10:00
Seeing the town. Trying to walk off some weight. Besides, impossible to get a taxicab in this busy place. Trolleys and buses packed full, too low for us anyway. We can see over everyone's heads, but impossible to get through the crowds.

10:35
Firing up the boilers on the zeppelin. Pipemakers Guild insists on treating us to brunch before we go. Oh, all right.

10:55
Back to the zeppelin. Can't get off the ground. Gasse-Partout and myself too heavy. Must throw out all the ballast. Set course for Khazad-Dum, 780km east by southeast. Estimate 17 hour 20 minute flight.

11:05
Lake Traskonia behind us. Sailboats dot the surface. Beach completely covered with sunbathing Hobbits.

18:45
Passing over ruins of Town Hole, former capital of Ratatopia. Sun setting. Navigating by radar.

6. Maggstadt, Maggestan
···
7. Khazad-Dum, Khazadstan
···
8. Wibbleopolis, Wibbletrask

May 10, 1001 AUD

00:15
Crossing Khazadstan border at Magenta River. Mountains up ahead.

04:15
Landed in Khazad-Dum. Welcoming party nowhere in sight, gave up waiting after 24 hours. We spend the early morning sleeping in an abandoned mine shaft. Very hard on the back.

09:00
Went on a tour of the Dimli & Grimli mining complex. Location of Mithril veins is a closely guarded secret. Khuzdul is one of the languages Gasse-Partout does not speak. Visitors must pay for the tour by filling a cart with copper ore. Both our hands severely blistered.

12:00
Miner's lunch. Loaves of fresh rye bread. Red meat off the bone. Kegs of malt beer.

16:00
Spent the afternoon (think it's afternoon; no sun underground) watching the excavation of a new apartment hall. Joined in the singing of several Dwarvish mining songs.

19:00
After supper, watching Dwarvish jewellers at work, cutting and setting gemstones the size of a fist.

20:00
Attended concert by a local band, the Hard Rock Miners. With opening act, the Heavy Metal Headbangers. Security provided by local chapter of Hogriders (riding real hogs.)

22:00
Spending the night at the Pick & Shovel Inn. These beds are hard as stone.

7. Khazad-Dum, Khazadstan
···
8. Wibbleopolis, Wibbletrask
···
9. Mt. Korvatunturi, Mornie Utulie

May 11, 1001 AUD

04:15
Fueled up with lots of fresh Dwarvish coal. Leaving Khazad-Dum. Sun not yet risen. 17 hour 20 minute flight back to Wibbleopolis.  

21:35
All-day flight, perfect weather, no problems. Back in Wibbleopolis. Checked into our hotel room of 2 days ago.

May 12, 1001 AUD

21:35
Spent the day in Wibbleopolis pretty much the same as last day. Eight or nine meals, crowded streets, lots of Cribbage playing. (The Wizard of the Cribbage Board, they're starting to call me here.) Barely lifting off the ground this time. Gasse-Partout and I must have put on about 50 kg each. Set course for Mt. Korvatunturi, 460km west by northwest. Estimate 10 hour flight in darkness.

8. Wibbleopolis, Wibbletrask
···
9. Mt. Korvatunturi, Mornie Utulie
···
10. Lund, Harjager

May 13, 1001 AUD

01:20
Crossing Mornie Utulie border at the Eriador Aquifer. Neskimo City in the distance off to the left. Weather noticeably cooler. Put on heavy sweaters.

02:40
Passing over Santaland. Santinist guerrillas fired an infrared missile at us. Damaged a propeller. Gasse-Partout went out and replaced it with spare propeller from previously blown-up engine.

07:35
Arrived in Mt. Korvatunturi. Light snow falling. Friendly welcome from the new regime. Escorted by reindeer sled to breakfast in a spacious igloo.

08:20
OOOOH. Something is VERY wrong. Gasse-Partout's stomach problems coming back worse than ever, and I seem to have caught them. Feels like dysentery. Can't be the local food; we politely sent back the uncooked blubber (hurgh) and breakfasted of our own supplies instead. I hope Mornie Utulie has a modern health care system.

May 16, 1001 AUD

We are suffering from the worst case of amoebic dysentery these doctors have ever seen. Gasse-Partout is still in intensive care. My condition has been upgraded to stable. I am sitting up in my wheelchair looking out the window watching the Smurrows and the Penguins playing ice hockey. I am shivering under a pile of blankets. Hard to get warm in a hospital made entirely of ice. On the plus side, we are rapidly losing the weight we put on in Wibbleopolis.

Well, that's it for the zeppelin. We've been too sick to go outside and keep the coals fired up and the boilers warm. The water in the boilers and steam pipes froze and expanded, destroying them. We must now find alternate means of transportation for the rest of the race. I have already tracked down a ferry in a small nearby port that can take us around the coast to Lund. Perhaps in a fortnight we'll be well enough to travel.

Gasse-Partout got a telegram from Groovyton. It's a paternity suit. He wired back promising the girl part of his share of the Grand Prize (if we win.)

Our thanks for the get-well cards and donations from our well-wishers back in Tolfalas. The race has been a fantastic voyage so far. We'll continue to do our best in the future. Tolfalas A Montibus Usque Ad Mare. This is Phlatulous Phogg, Esquire, signing off for now.

May 25, 1001 AUD

06:30
We are both finally cured of our dysentery and are well enough to travel. Leaving Mt. Korvatunturi. Heading by sleigh down to the coast 60km west where the ferry awaits us.

10:30
Have reached the coast. Oh, what fun it was to ride in a one-horse open sleigh. We have boarded our ferry, the "Sand Witch." Fitted with hydroplanes, light load, cruising speed 30 knots (60km/h), top speed 35 knots (70km/h). Should make good time.

12:35
We have rounded the western cape and are turning north. Passing Tol Ringroth on our left. Dozens of shipwrecks on the rocks. Not an encouraging sight.

18:00
Dinner at sea. Freshly caught fish and octopi. Not surprisingly, Gasse-Partout is seasick and can't keep anything down.

20:10
Passing the Smurrow Nature Reserve on our left in darkness. Sun sets late up here as the summer approaches. However, this being the northern sea, it is still dotted with southward drifting ice floes. Helmsman cutting speed slightly for safety.

21:50
A school of dolphins that was following alongside us for three hours has suddenly decided to turn around.

22:20
We were attacked by a giant squid. A crewman and two passengers pulled overboard by the tentacles. Surviving crewmembers fought off the beast with harpoons. Capt. Ahab says not to worry, it "happens all the time." Gasse-Partout hysterical with fear.

9. Mt. Korvatunturi, Mornie Utulie
···
10. Lund, Harjager
···
11. Orkograd, UOSR

May 26, 1001 AUD

03:30
Have arrived in Lund, capital of Harjager. After the squid attack, neither of us could sleep. We find a comfortable and not-too-bad smelling sty to rest in.

11:30
Woke up late, went into a diner for lunch. Idiot Gasse-Partout asked for bacon and eggs. We were chased out by angry boars and barely escaped alive.

12:00
Put on the radio. The weather-pig says tomorrow's forecast is for heavy rain, producing mudslides. He sounds very upbeat about the forecast.

13:00
We go to the cinema and catch the matinee showing of "The Three Little Pigs."

16:00
Nobody official to greet us. The Schweingraf was out hunting again. We spend the afternoon in the Dead Hog Saloon on Snorfl Street. Gasse-Partout is making time with a young sow. He's really got a bad case of the beer-goggles.

18:00
Dinner at Torvald's Trough. All-you-can-eat buffet. We eat our fill and leave the restaurant covered in swill (probably more than we ate.)

19:00
Back to the sty. Early to bed, as we must leave at 03:30 tomorrow. Must remember to have our clothes cleaned soon.

10. Lund, Harjager
···
11. Orkograd, UOSR
···
12. Neo Edo, Black Dragon Empire

May 27, 1001 AUD

03:30
Leaving Lund. Travelling by motorboat eastward up the Lena River, destination Orkograd. Our pilot says he's a soldier, but he's out of uniform and looks very grubby. There is a large caliber machinegun mounted on a tripod.

10:00
Very surreal voyage upriver. The river is surrounded on both sides by thick forest for most of its length. We've seen whitewater rafters, two duelling banjo players, a tiger, helicopter gunships firing rockets into the forest, a bald fat man worshipped by uncounted followers, and a man covered in mud sneaking around with a knife between his lips.

10:45
Crossing the Harjager-UOSR border, where the Lena River changes name to the Lenin River. We had to portage to get around the Viagara Falls. Difficult slogging through the Tasty Frogs Bogs.

11:30
Went up a small tributary river south to Proletariat. Got two tickets for the Proletariat-Uglyhole underground railway. They won't accept money; we must pay for the voyage by shovelling coal.

14:30
Whistle-stop in Uglyhole. Slightly claustrophobic 3-hour run through 300km of dark tunnel. This train certainly is fast.

15:30
Emerged from the tunnel under Mt. Revolution. Train track goes on the surface beside the Smelly River the rest of the way to Orkograd.

15:55
Nearing Orkograd. Can't really see where we're going. Lots of thick black smoke from inefficient Communist industries. Skies here almost as polluted as those over dear old Tolfalas.

16:00
Arrived in Orkograd. Greeted with salutes from Orkish Comissars. Both of us given free little red pamphlets filled with quotations from Chair-Ork Bagronk.

16:10
Escorted in a big car through Red Square. Large portraits of Heroes of the Orkish Revolution cover the walls.

16:20
Taken to the hotel. Somewhat noisy because of 160-hectare tractor factory next door. Decor rather drab but quite comfortable. Very reasonable rates (work for your room.) Goblin Vodka in the mini-bar. Black Borscht served in the restaurant.

17:00
Working for our room and board. I am washing dishes in the kitchen. Gasse-Partout chosen to help the janitor clean bathrooms. He offers to trade with me; I decline.

19:00
Meal time. Orkish food isn't too appetizing for a Bourgeois human like myself. Glad I did a thorough job on the dishes. This Ork-draught will be useful for keeping us awake on night travels; I ask for some to take with us in a thermos flask.

20:30
Gasse-Partout reads his little red pamphlet and starts calling me a "parasite" and threatens to "overthrow" me. I remind him of the CHOKLIT Grand Prize which calms him down a bit.

22:00
Watched a little television. Only one channel, the state-operated Red Ork Network. Current program: the 80-year-old silent movie, "Battleship Grishnakh." Followed by a political program, "Collective Mines and Party-Industry Relations." Followed by "Imp Cavern" (a puppet show for Ork children.) Glug-glug teaches the other Imps the true meaning of sharing.

May 28, 1001 AUD

08:00
Woke up in our Orkograd hotel, and helped prepare breakfast, which we then ate.

11:00
Played chess with some elderly Goblins outside in Orki Park. Interesting variation of the game. No Kings, Queens, Bishops, Knights or Rooks; every piece is a Pawn.

13:00
Went on guided tour of The Gremlin. Excellent architecture, lovely garlic-shaped domes.

15:50
The souvenir documents Gasse-Partout applied for by mail two weeks ago have just been approved. He rushes to the souvenir shoppe and redeems them in exchange for one of those nested multi-Ork dolls.

16:00
Leaving Orkograd. Boarding the Lorien Express, which passes east under the mountains and then follows the Amber River to Neo Edo. 1500km of track to cover on a non-stop 15-hour ride.

17:10
Emerged from the final tunnel under Mt. Counter-Revolution onto the Yol Valley. Passing through South Aman. Seems flat and sparsely populated.

18:00
Having dinner while crossing over the Yol Bridge. Meeting our fellow First-Class passengers. Mostly foreign potentates and other fat cats making their way home in the East. Apparently they had come west for some sort of diplomatic conference.

20:00
I retire to my cabin and work on the manuscript for my upcoming book, "Cribbage For Dummies." Not much else to do on a train, so in a couple of hours I will go to bed.

23:00
Woken up by screams. We rush out of our beds in our pajamas. One of the passengers has been found dead, apparently murdered, in his cabin. One of the other passengers happens to be a famous detective who begins piecing together the clues. The conductor urges everyone to remain calm and return to our cabins, and keep the doors locked.

11. Orkograd, UOSR
···
12. Neo Edo, Black Dragon Empire
···
13. Wee Bull City, Weebull

May 29, 1001 AUD

07:00
Woke up by the train whistle. Arrived in Neo Edo. Obviously all passengers are under suspicion of the murder and can't leave town, which suits us since we are here for at least 24 hours anyway.

08:00
Got off the train. No need to incarcerate us as we are so foreign, the authorities always know exactly where we are. The murder investigation is still in the early stages, but we passengers have the run of the city of Neo Edo as long as we don't try to leave. But for how long?

09:30
This culture is so alien to me. The locals have never heard of Cribbage. They teach me a local game called Go. I am a mere novice.

11:00
If we were heading straight to Rogopolis from here, we could continue on the Lorien Express, but we must stop next at Pieton. Therefore I am calling the airport and booking a flight on a small passenger plane to Wee Bull City. The flight takes off at 07:00.

12:00
Lunch at the Sushi Parlour. Gasse-Partout insults the chef's honour by complaining that the fish is "undercooked." I quickly explain that Gasse-Partout is a coward with no fighting skills and it would bring the chef no honour to slay him in combat. He accepts the apology and puts down the cleaver.

13:00
We board a junk and go on a tour of the trout farms in the Sea of Black Dragon. The waters are so full of fish they slow the motion of our vessel.

14:30
Visiting the EVA Memorial and the UFAT War Memorial. Interesting to contrast their style with the straight lines and plain colours of the Maggestani war memorial.

15:10
Looking at the forbidden parts of the city, including Shogun's Palace and Golden Temple, from across the moat. Guards in beautiful uniforms, displaying excellent martial arts as part of their drill.

16:15
Mild earthquake. Maybe a 2.5 or a 3.0. The locals and myself take it in stride but Gasse-Partout hides under a car.

17:00
Dinner at the Domo Origato Steak House. Our chef is a former "Mithril Chef" from the cooking show. I have the Teriyaki steak. Gasse-Partout has the Sukiyaki. Very nice.

18:20
We have been notified by the police that several passengers including ourselves have been cleared of suspicion in the murder on the train, therefore we are okay to travel. Excellent.

18:30
Celebrating our freedom at the geisha parlour. Sake, hot bath, massage. Could get used to this. All put on the expense account, of course.

21:00
Spending the night in our hotel room. Television here has more variety than UOSR. Several channels devoted to martial arts and anime. I watch a few classic Samurai movies. Gasse-Partout tunes in to the InuYasha marathon.

May 30, 1001 AUD

07:00
Leaving Neo Edo. Got on board the small plane. 1200km as the raven flies. Heading for Wee Bull City. Our flight should take 8 hours.

11:00
Shot down as we were crossing the Black Dragon - Adria Thalassa Canal. Pilot makes a successful crash landing on flat, wet ground. Most passengers survived the landing, but we are marooned in hostile Psellchexxre territory. Things look very bad.

12:10
As we were desperately walking toward The Moat, we were spotted by a squadron of friendly Feng-Shui duck riders. They know the safe way around Psellchexxre's air defences. They offer to carry us the rest of the way to Weebull.

22:30
Arrived in Wee Bull City. We reward the Feng-Shui for their generosity. We have a well-deserved late supper of mince pie and find a hotel for the night.

12. Neo Edo, Black Dragon Empire
···
13. Wee Bull City, Weebull
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14. Rogopolis, Roggytopia

May 31, 1001 AUD

08:00
Shepherd's pie for breakfast, with apple pie for dessert.

09:00
Walking around town seeing the sights and meeting the locals. Strange, pale, featureless people with big grins. They wobble but they don't fall down. I decide not to start up a Cribbage tournament, as I cannot understand a word of their mumbling speech.

13:00
Guided tour of the Pie Factory, followed by lunch (turkey pie, quiche, and blueberry pie for dessert.) Gasse-Partout half jokingly remarks that this is the end of our "low-carb" diet.

15:00
We visit the newly opened branch of the Van Houten West Trading Company. Busiest place in the city. Lots of hard-working merchants running around. Pie exported out, all sorts of goods from around BC brought in. We apply at the company bank for an insurance policy for the rest of the race, but after looking at our accident rate, they decline us.

18:00
Tourtiere for dinner with lemon meringue and banana cream pies for dessert. All this eating is reminding me of Wibbletrask.

22:30
Leaving Weebull. We bribe passage on board a Merchantman laden with frozen custard pies, heading west across Adria Thalassa overnight. The trade route passes through the canal to Lake Brunnem. We should be in the Roggytopian port of Vagor by tomorrow night.

13. Wee Bull City, Weebull
···
14. Rogopolis, Roggytopia
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15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan

June 1, 1001 AUD

08:30
We have completed our westward passage of Adria Thalassa and are entering the canal to Lake Brunnem.

12:30
Entering Lake Brunnem. Pink Star Flag, capital of Testonia, is in the distance off to the right. Temperature rising noticeably as we near Roggytopia.

15:30
Nearing the northern shore. The lake water is now actually boiling. The Merchantman is now navigating by radar as the visibility is reduced to zero by steam.

15:45
We have reached the port of Vagor. We put on asbestos suits and come ashore. We see that the Spark "River" is actually a river of molten lava. We go to the customs office and declare our presence. We sacrifice some live Smurrows we found hiding in the ship's hold in honour of the Roggish customs agents. We also bribe them with diesel oil siphoned from the ship's fuel tank. The customs agents seem annoyed at the small size of the sacrifice, but they are in a good mood, so they let it slide.

16:20
Balrogs usually fly where they want to go, so physical means of transport are not a necessity, except for cargo. Therefore the only way for us to reach Rogopolis from here is by cargo boat pulled by slaves on the molten lava canal. We are sweating heavily and trying to conserve our supply of bottled water.

June 2, 1001 AUD

02:00
Crossing through Pyromainia. The darkness of night has reduced the temperature to only a slightly unbearable level. Running low on water. The metal cargo on this boat seems to be giving off its own heat. We're starting to lose some of our hair, and our teeth and fingernails feel loose. We're feeling rather ill in general.

14:10
We have reached Rogopolis. Just in time, we ran out of water hours ago and are dying of thirst. We quench it in a fountain, one of the few uses Balrogs have for water (and even in those they usually prefer displays of molten lava and flammable liquids.)

14:20
Just found out from the slaves towing the canal boat that it carried nuclear fuel to the refinery. We have a mild case of radiation poisoning. Cancer will probably claim us in 20 years or so. We might also want to avoid having children in the future. Gasse-Partout is fortunate he met that Somnat lass when he did.

18:00
Following the advice of the slaves, we are keeping a low profile, and sticking to the parts of the city where mortals are permitted. According to local custom, when a Rog feels like killing or eating a mortal, the mortal doesn't really have the right or ability to resist. Obviously we can't eat Roggish food or even participate safely in Rog recreation. We spend most of our time among the mortal underlings (mostly Orcs) and their food and recreation are crude even by UOSR standards but tolerable.

20:00
We prepare to spend the night in a slave bunkhouse. Finally the asbestos suit can come off for the night. Through the window I can see Rogs enjoying a summer evening in the city park, sipping their bloodshakes and watching the lava fountain spraying molten rock everywhere. Some of the more talented Rogs are on the street performing their fire arts. I turn away and fall asleep in a puddle of my own sweat, trying to dream of cold baths, watermelon and ice cream cones.

June 3, 1001 AUD

08:00
We both woke up in a pool of our perspiration. Had breakfast with the slaves. There is a lot of cannibalism here. Slaves expire all the time from overwork, and Rogs are too proud to eat mortals they themselves have not freshly killed, and the attitude among the other slaves is waste-not-want-not. The two of us fill up on roasted Smurrows, since those are the least civilized things on the menu.

8:40
Seeing the town. Mortals are not permitted inside Rog buildings, except as food or slaves, and they are usually too hot to enter anyway. The mortal parts of town are at a safe and respectful distance.

10:00
Walking by the Great Temple. A victim is sacrificed every minute. Loudspeakers broadcast the screams outside so everyone can be impressed with their piety. Apparently this is a very devout populace.

11:05
An earthquake has broken the surface crust just outside of town and sent forth a gush of fresh lava. The mortals flee in terror, but the Rogs are delighted, pick up slabs of flat rock and begin surfing on the lava waves.

12:00
The starving slaves are having lunch. They play a game called "Lunch Roulette." They sit in a circle and spin the bottle, and when it stops, they eat the one to whom it points. We decline to join them and instead find some edible, nonspeaking vermin.

14:10
Time to leave Rogopolis. We have found a Rog mail and passenger wagon pulled by slaves heading south along the mountains to Jezistan. (Although they can fly faster than the wagon, apparently some important Rogs like a leisurely ride pulled by slaves, which pleases their esteem and suits their prestige.) The only way they would let us come along is if we joined the slaves in doing the pulling. We agree, since we could not otherwise make the crossing alive, and the slaves are usually permitted enough food and water to complete the voyage.

17:00
Not having fun at all. I am pulling in front of a big fat slave who smells like a horse. At least I am not behind the man, like Gasse-Partout. I can hear him gagging above the noise of the marching and whips.

23:00
Passed by Schloss Tildanor. Shelob's children claimed a few of the slaves as snacks. The Rog passengers are not happy about the resulting slowing of the wagon, but generally the spiders are permitted the courtesy.

June 4, 1001 AUD

07:00
Been marching all night long. That Ork-draught really came in handy. Crossing the Jezistan border. Many slaves dropped of exhaustion as we climbed over the mountains. Fortunately we are going downhill now.

20:00
Finally reached Unkle Moth. The Rog passengers get off and go about their V.I.P. business with the Nazgul masters of the town. Again we must keep a low profile, as the lot of a living mortal in the Nazgul realm is not much better than in Roggytopia. At least there's more water here, even enough to wash in.

14. Rogopolis, Roggytopia
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15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan
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16. Junck City, Aadjunckistan

June 5, 1001 AUD

08:00
We both woke up in the house of a local inhabitant where we spent the night. We will not identify him here, as he accepted our bribe and put us up at great personal risk. Living foreigners are usually not allowed to stay overnight in the Nazgul realm. There are many strange and oppressive laws here. The usual penalty is to be scared to death, often by being forced to look at the most frightening Internet links. However, victims are spared the reading of AFT and RABT posts, which is too cruel even for the Nazgul.

10:00
The Nazgul tend to keep out of the daylight, so it's relatively safe to do some sightseeing. This land isn't half on fire like Roggytopia, but still very rocky and treeless. People as young as the early teens are pale-skinned and gray-haired, as though they spend their entire lives in fear.

12:00
Having hot Smurrow for lunch bought from a street vendor. We'll both be blue inside for days.

14:00
Trying to encourage the locals to play Cribbage. They insist on playing Poker. Everyone seems to keep drawing the Dead Man's Hand.

15:10
Taking some pictures of the Great Tilde, the largest downtown landmark.

17:00
We saw an enterprising Nazgul offering Fell Beast rides in exchange for the rider's soul. He refused to take us on. Apparently our souls already belong to someone else.

19:20
We just found out from his widow that our host of the last night was arrested for illegally harbouring foreign guests. He was tortured by six hours of fingernails on a chalkboard and executed by being forced to listen to a tape-recording of the telling of the Killing Joke. I can't help but feel somehow partly responsible.

20:00
Leaving Unkle Moth. A farmer is taking us in his manure wagon to the Aadjunckistan border.

15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan
···
16. Junck City, Aadjunckistan
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17. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas

June 6, 1001 AUD

05:25
The farmer has dropped us off in High Reaches Weyr just across the border and has turned around for home. Posters, billboards, flyers and painted brand names all over the place. we have a snack at a convenience store and catch the 6AM Mithril Hound bus to Morthond.

08:00
We arrive in Morthond and immediately hop on a garbage scow headed down the Aad River. At least we won't go hungry here. Gasse-Partout is already fighting with an albatross over an unspoiled meatball sandwich.

12:00
Floating through the province of Aadistan. Cattle grazing along the river have brand names of dairy corporations painted on their sides. The generous crew of the garbage scow offer us some fresh food and water in exchange for filling out a 3-page consumer survey on how we like the ride.

18:05
Arrived in River Crossing. We bought tickets for the Aad Bay Ferry to Junck City. 900km voyage, should take about 15 hours. We are also required to wear endorsements painted on our clothes for the duration of the voyage.

June 7, 1001 AUD

09:05
Arrived in Junck City, the last stop before home. More endorsements for us to wear. Not a stitch of the clothing underneath is visible now. We have breakfast at a fast-food restaurant, where we are required to participate in the shooting of a television commercial. We force ourselves to smile for the camera after taking a bite of a particularly appalling fish sandwich.

June 7, 1001 AUD

10:00
Junck City is quite picturesque. Lovely homes and buildings cling tenaciously to the cliffs towering over the beach. An occasional hurricane blows some of the less securely anchored structures into the sea, but the locals take it for granted as the price to be paid for such sun-drenched tropical beauty. Down at the water's edge, the well-fed foreign tourists crowd the narrow beach standing-room only, like sea lions in mating season.

11:10
Watching the filming of an upcoming adventure movie being produced with Black Dragon funding. Cinema production companies from all over BC come here for the warm weather and easy access to financial resources. The large white letters of the "Junckywood" sign clearly identify the district that is the home of the entertainment industry.

12:00
Lunch from a street vendor. Some sort of tubesteak stuffed with Oliphaunt-meat on a bun. Very spicy condiments. Someone went to a lot of trouble to burn the name of the franchise into every bun and sausage.

14:00
Walking around seeing the city's many bazaars. The population, mostly of Haradrim heritage, is thoroughly immersed in the consumerist culture. Everything is for sale here. The shopkeepers love to haggle. If a tourist is too ready to accept a price, often a shopkeeper will offer an extra bargain for the sheer joy of haggling. A wealthy tourist who sets out looking for a wristwatch or a seashell necklace often finds himself leaving with his own weight in junk and a newly bought wheelbarrow in which to carry it. Their faces also wear a look of bewilderment at their own gullibility. These merchants could probably sell ice cubes to a Balrog.

16:00
Checking out the Junck Casino, which is even larger than the Tolfalas Casino. Every gambling game imaginable is played here. I go to the Cribbage table and break the bank, after which they politely ask me to leave. Gasse-Partout loses his shirt at the paper-scissors-rock table.

18:00
Dined at a fine restaurant. Roast Mumak with all the trimmings. Spiciest food we've had yet, which suits me fine, but Gasse-Partout gets heartburn easily, so he moderates it with lots of Oliphaunt yogurt.

21:00
Off to bed at the hotel. I'm having trouble getting to sleep because of all the noise and flashing neon signs outside. This is truly the city that never sleeps. Gasse-Partout can't sleep because, predictably enough, of his wicked heartburn.

June 8, 1001 AUD

09:05
Leaving Junck City. Boarding the A.S.S. Iduous. Now *this* is travelling. A luxury liner 1000m long, 200m beam and 125m draught. Every cabin is like a palace. We've blown the last of our travel money on the tickets, but it's worth it. 960km voyage to Tolfalas harbour at 20 knots (40kmh.) 24 hours of luxurious sailing. The captain makes a sacrifice to Ulmo and then we shove off.

15:00
Left Junck Bay behind. Rounding the Finger. These passengers are even richer than the ones on the Lorien Express. Playing shuffleboard with silver cues and golden discs.

16:10
A giant jellyfish has attacked the ship! We are rescued from being capsized and pulled under when the T.S.S. Sanchez fires a few torpedoes into the beast, blowing it to bits. Gasse-Partout and myself swell with national pride.

18:00
The ship's cook uses the remains of the beast that landed on the deck to prepare a lavish feast for all the passengers and crew. We give thanks to Ulmo for protecting us and dig in. Tastes like lutefisk with a curry-like sauce.

22:00
In my cabin with the complimentary champagne and female companions, about to spend my final night away from home. As I write this I can't describe my emotion at nearing the completion this fantastic 40-day voyage alive. I value all the wonders we've experienced more than the 100,000kg CHOKLIT grand prize. (Who am I kidding? Woohoo!)

15. Unkle Moth, Jezistan
···
16. Junck City, Aadjunckistan
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17. Tolfalas City, Tolfalas

June 9, 1001 AUD

This morning, at 9:05, the 40-day race around Balrog Cuttings came to an end as the victorious Team Tolfalas, consisting of the champion Cribbage player, Phlatulous Phogg, Esquire, and his butler, Jean Gasse-Partout, steamed into Tolfalas Harbour aboard the luxury liner A.S.S. Iduous. The team was greeted by a crowd of 50,000 enthusiastic admirers, well-wishers and creditors, as well as television crews and sports reporters from every civilized nation, as they stepped off the ship, which bore the scars of a recent jellyfish attack. The team stepped up to the podium, where they gave a brief victory speech thanking all who made their victory possible, and complimented each of the nations they visited on their wonderfully diverse cultures. They then received the 100,000kg CHOKLIT Grand Prize from Lord Pêlluin, who personally shook their hands and congratulated them. Mr. Phogg then returned by limousine to his estate, where he plans to complete and publish his book, "Cribbage for Dummies." Mr. Gasse-Partout quit his butler job and will share his half of the prize with his pregnant girlfriend from Somnat, whom he plans to marry.

Next Team Roggytopia arrived and were awarded second prize, a tanker truck filled with gasoline. They were apparently unaware that they were in a race, but they nevertheless accepted the prize, as Balrogs are always expecting appeasement of some kind. They declined to be interviewed, and instead did some celebratory looting and burning, which fortunately was covered by the harbour's insurance.

Finally Team UOSR arrived and were given third prize, a year of free tuition and books for two students at Tolfalas University. They said that the scholarship would be put to good use, and suggested that more teaching would be done than learning.

As the crowd of spectators began to go home, an amoeba-based slime crawled out of the water and consumed the CHOKLIT residue from the empty platform where the Grand Prize once stood.

The BC Race Committee announced that because of the success and popularity of the race, it will become an annual event, and bids are open for the hosting city of next year's race.

 

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