D3RRIDINA DOEZ HOGWARTZ

Chapt3r 6. D3RRIDINA D0EZ M0RE K3WL H0GWARTZ STUF N SAV3Z MALF0Y FRUM BEIN BAD N LI3K R00LZ N PEEPL DIE BUT THAY WUZ LAMERZ ANYWAY


Tha prim3 minaster wuz b0rin n g0tted som3 exp0siti0n but w3 alreddy knued it s0 wut wuz tha p0int.

Th3n Narcissa h00 iz Malf0yz muther n ex3mplifi3s Lacanz theeriez a j0uissance n stuf camed 2 vizit Snap3 n sed "PLEEZ PR0TECT DRAC0 CUZ WALMART HAZ IT IN 4 HIM CUZ LUCIOUS IZ A L0ZER N H3Z TAKIN IT 0UT 0N HIM. BTW I LUV U."

Bellatrickz h00 wuz Narsissaz sist3r n lik3d killin p33pl n was todaly g0th n lissen3d 2 Blak Sabbath comed al0ng n wuz a b*tch.

"Y IZ HARY STIL ALIV3 UR A LAM2R" sedded Bellatricks.

Snape s3d: "Y B0THER KILLIN HARRY HE IZ A ST00PID SH*T."

"PR0V3 UR REELY BAD" sed Bell.

"SAVE DRAC0" s3d Narc.

Snap3 sw0red 2 d0 evil stuf s0 h3 iz evul unl3st J0 iz d0in it 2 mak3 us think hez 3vil n hez reely p0lyval3nt witch iz kewl. H3 als0 swored 2 h3lp Drac0.

Dumblebor3 comed 2 pik up Hary n D3rridina n t0led tha Dirtleyz thay wuzzed jerx but s3d it in g33zer s0 it s0unded nic3r then that. N h3 tak3 tham 2 tha Buro ware tha Weazl3yz liv3d but 0n tha way th3y pick3d up Slugh0rn h00 wuz fat n a  bit racist n ann0yin but n0t 2 bad n all wite guyz iz racist n p0tential rapistz n 0ther bad stuf anyway. Deradina wait3d outsid3 4 a bit wile Dummydoor n Harry sed hi 2 Slug cuz sh3 want3d 2 mak3 a grand 3ntrance.

"COM3 2 T3ACH AT HOGWARTZ" sed Dumpledore.

"NO I WONT CUZ IM SCAIRT A DETH EETERZ" sedded Slugh0rn.

"I NEED 2 G0 2 THA  BATHR00M" sed Dum.

"I USETA BE R3ALLY KEWL N ALL THA BIG GUNZ BEL0NGED 2 MY CLUB" s3d Slug.

"YEAH BUT N0T ANYMOR3 CUZ UR 0N THA RUN WICH IZ LAME" sedded Hary.

Th3n Derridina come in n sed "IM GOIN 2 HOGWARTZ N IM DESTIN3D."

Slugh0rn sed "ILL C0ME CUZ DERRIDINA IZ THARE N SH3 IZ BRILIENT N R00LZ."

"I KN0W" sed D3rridina.

Th3n Dum cam3 bak n t00ked them 2 tha Buro.

"IM GIVIN U SPECIAL LESS0NZ CUZ UR DESTIN3D" he sed.

"AB0UT TIM3 U DID SOMTHIN 2 PR3PARE US DOOD THO I ALRREDDY KNO EVRYTHIN." Sed Derrydina.

"LIEK WUTTEVER" sed Dum n th3n thay cummed 2 the Buro but hadded 2 g0 thru security n it wuzzed reely ann0yin n borin n thay g0tted wand3d n tha guardz confascat3d Dumbled0rks p0rn cuz thay s3d it wuz a nati0nal s3curity thr3at. Th3n wen thay gotted thare they m3tted Fl3ur wh0 wuz French n wuz gunna marry s0me bit charact3r in tha Weezley h0usehold name B0b or sumthin. M0lly that iz Mrs. Weezy n Giny n 3ven Herminy wuz all bitchy at h3r cuz thay wuz racist brits n didnt lik3 furrinerz n thay didnt liek h0w sh3 did her 3yez n stuf. Th3n Derridina sed "ST0P BEIN ANNOYIN RACIST B*TCHEZ" n thay sed OK.

Th3ir 0WL examz cam3 n D3rridina got 0utstadning in evrythin w3ll duh. Th3 0therz did OK but R0n wuzzed kinda dum.

Th3n thay wented 2 see Fr3d n Ge0rge at th3ir capitalist j0ke sh0p.

"W3 r00l" sed Fr3d n Ge0rge.

"N0 i d0" s3d D3rradina. Thay had 2 admit sh3 liek had a p0int.

Thay saw Drac0 Malf0y n figg3red sins hez a j3rk hez probly d0in sumthin bad s0 th3y f0llowed him n h3 went3d 2 a st0re 4 bad peepl n thrett3ned tha 0wner if h3 didnt d0 wut h3 wanted. "HEZ DOIN BAD STUF" sed Hary.

"YEAH BUT H00 CAREZ" sed Ron n Miney.

"ILE CHECK THA B00KS LATER" sed Derradina. "TH3N w3 CAN STOP HIM WICH IZ QU3STI0NIN THA NARATIV3 FRUM WITHIN THA NARATIV3."

0n tha H0gwartz train Slug invit3d all th3 kewl p333pl 2 a reely borin party with gr0ss stuf lik3 caviar n sed "I HAV3 L0TZ A INFLENCE N AM QEWL S0 CURRY FAV0R WITH M3."

"WUTEV3R" sed evry0ne but thay put it m0re polit3r.

"IM G0NNA SPY ON MALF0Y" sed Hary.

"NAH WE'L JUST R3AD THA B00K" sed Derridina. "ACCI0 B00K" n thay r3aded tha bit ware Hary findz 0ut Malf0yz gunna d0 s0methin bad. Th3n tha C0unt acci0ed tha b00k back. Wut a a-blank.

At dinn3r 3very0ne l3rnt Snap3 gotted tha dark arts j0b n thay wuzzed bumm3d. Th3n R0n n Miney hadded som3 borin l0verz quarrelz n quidditch wuz b0rin t00.

Meenwiil3 tha C0unt kn0cked on Dumb0borez d00r.

"0 N0 NOT U AGIN" sed Dumbl3d0re.

"SNAPEZ GUNNA KIL U" sed tha c0unt. "N DRAC0Z GUNNA L3T BAD PEEPL IN2 THA SK00L."

"I KNO ST0P NAGGIN I DIDNT FIR3 THA DUM DIVANATI0N T33CHER OR 3VEN SEXINA BUT ILE FIR3 U IF U DONT BUG 0FF" s3d Dumbl3dor3 n h3 went back 2 gamblin 0nline.

"OK UR KINDA A LAMER ANYWAY D00D" sed tha C0unt.

Thay start3d class3s n had 2 d0 stuf with0ut w0rdz n Derridina thoughts it wuz 3asy n b0rin but tha 0therz mad3 facez liek thay wuz 0n U NO P00 witch iz this thing Fr3d n Ge0rge made that turnt u constapat3d wich r3pr3zents h0w s0ci3ty stifl3z cr3ativity with c0nf0rmizm.

N Slug teach3d p0tionz witch wuz eazy cuz Slug wuz a nic3 guy w3n h3 wuznt stuck3d up n h3 gived Hary some f3liux wich makes u lucky cuzzed Harry did g00d p0tionz cuz h3 had this b00k wut belonged 2 tha haf bl00d prints n h3 had lotza kewl r3cipez n  spelz n stuf tho 0ld hat 2 D3rrydina.

Th3n Dum call3d Harry n Derridina n toled th3m it wuz tim3 4 thare first l3sson. "WERE IN THA M3MERY A THIS MINSTRY GUY H00Z LIEK TRYIN 2 PUNISH A CRAZY SLITHRIN TIPE 4 BEIN A J3RK" sed Dum.

"THA MISTRY GUY L00KS LIEK A LAMER THA BATHIN SUIT IZ JUST S000 NO" sed Derradina.

“U N0TICE LOTZA STUF CUZ UR SMART" sedded Hairy.

Tha wizerd guy w3nted 2 a h0use that todally liek suckd n tha int3rier decoratin wuz lik3 crap.

"I ROOL CUZ IM PUR2BRED" sed tha guy hoo liv3d in tha h0use hiz nam3 wuz Mahvell0us. He l00ked liek crap tho n im so n0t g0in with him 2 teh pr0m. Th3n he bulli3d hiz duaght3r Merphy.

"UR S0N IZ A J3RK N IZ MEEN 2 MUGGL3Z" sed tha mistry guy.

"SCRU U WE R00L S0 W3 CAN D0 WUT W3 WANT" sed Mahv3llous.

'NO U CANT" sed tha minstry guy.

Thay arest3d tha Mahv3lus guy n hiz s0n M0rphin h3 pr0bly dunned drugz n Merphy run 0ff with a muggl3 T0m Riddl3 n he leffed h3r n sh3 died.

"THAT SUZ SLITHRINZ R JERX" sed Hary.

"YEAH" sed D3rridina.

"WUTZ SUZ" sed Dum.

"N3VER MIND" sedded Harydina.

Lat3r it wuz tha w33kend wen kidz get 2 g0 2 Hogmeedz tha wizerd shoppin mall. D3rridina t00k an h0ur 2 figger out wut 2 w3ar. Sartr3 s3d tha Anguish a ch0ice naus3atez u. It todally d0ez. Then thay wented 2 H0gzmeed but it wuz lam3.

"WIZERD SH0PS SUX N0W THAT DETH 33TERZ ARE D0IN STUF" sed Darrydina.

"TODALLY LIEK" s3d H3rry.

Th3n this grrl liek g0tted attakt by a n3cklac3.

"THIS NEKLACE IZ S0 LIEK TACKY I WUDNT B3 CAUGHT D3AD IN IT 3VEN IF IT WUZNT CURS3D N STUF" sed Derridina. N sh3 t00ked away itz p0werz.

"UR SMART N P0WERFUL N ROOL" sed tha 0therz.

Dumbledarnz n3xt less0n taked th3m 2 wen Dum wented 2 ware Walmart livd as a kid. Th3 past Dum wented 2 tha orfan h3dge n ask tha w0man about Valmort but h3 wuzzed still T0m.

“HEZ A J3RK I D0NT LIEK HIM H3 DUZ WEERD STUF 2 0THER KIDZ N HANGZ RABBITZ FRUM RAFT3RZ N WAREZ BAS3BAL CAPZ BAKWERDZ N LISSENZ 2 LOUD HEVVY M3TAL N CRAP" but sh3 sed it ina brit acc3nt like Dick van Dik3 acept sh3 wuz a gurl.

S0 Valddemart wuzzed a misund3rstood 0rfin 0r mayb3 d0lphin. So Derradina kist hum s0 he turn nic3 n s3d "CALL M3 WALLY" wen Hary callt him Waldomart. Th3n it turnt 0ut that wuz a diffr3nt reality n in this r3ality h3 wuz stil a jerk witch iz a bumm3r.

"CUM 2 H0GWERTZ N LERN H0W 2 B3 A WIZERD BUT STOP BEIN A J3RK N D0NT STEEL STUF" s3d Dum cuz Tom n in this quantumthing h3 wuznt Wally witch mayb3 iz wy h3 wuzzed bad anyway T0m t00ked stuf frum tha kidz h3 did stuf 2 lik3 baseball cardz n stuf n wy d0 guyz coll3ct th0se thingz thare lame n sux.

"OK" sed T0m.

"CALL M3 SIR" sed Dum h00 wuz patriarckal.

"OK SIR" s3dded T0m.

N tha Riddlez thatz Walmartz dad n this muggle girl h3 maried n tha r3st a the family includin tha g3rbil nam3 J0 all di3d n thay all think Valdm0rt dunned it cuz it wuz 0vioustly magic.

Th3n thay wented n did 0ther stuf n th3n thay did an0ther l3ssin with Slugz mem0ry ware T0m ask3d Slug ab9ut h0rcruxes.

"UR KEWL T0M" sed tha 0ther kidz h00 later turnt in2 d3af eaterz n w3red g0th.

"Y3AH U R00L N WIL G0 BAD N R A L0ZER" sed Slug but h3 l00ked liek a reely bad 3dit 0n a h0me maked vid3o.

"WUTZ H0RCUXES" sed T0m.

"I AINT SAYIN CUZ THAYRE BAD" sedded Slug but h3 l00ked liek a bad edit agin.

"THIS MAMM0RY SUX" sedd Hairy.

"YEAH H3 FAKED IT" sed Derradina. "BUT HE SUX AT D0IN MAMORIEZ."

"GET THA R3AL MEM0RY" sed Dum.

"Y BOTH3R I ALREDDY KN0 WUT H0RCRUXES R" s3d D3rridina. "HALF MY CUSINS WUZ H0RCRUX3S."

"I DONT CAR3 GET IT ANYWAY IT BILDZ CARACT3R" sed Dummeld0rk.

Hary start3d uzin sp3lz frum tha haf bl00d printz book n lift3d peepl in2 tha air n turnt thare eyez in2 kewl dark glassez n turnt th3m in2 bubbl3 gum n stuf.

H3rminy sed "UZIN SP3LZ U DONT KNO IZ UNRASP0NSIBL3"

"UR LAM3 ITZ KEWL" s3d Herry.

D3rridina s3dded "ASK M3 FIRST"

Th3n this b*ch h00 want3d Hary gaved R0n a l0ve poitin 0n acid3nt n thay tooked R0n 2 Slug n Slug cur3d him a lustin aft3r tha bich but th3n guv him win3 wich p0ison3d him n thay curet hum with a bizar wich iz gr0dy 2 th3 max but cur3z p0izin.N this pr0ved som3onez tryin 2 kil s0meone.

Hary didnt git tha mam0ry cuz h3 wuznt in th3 m00d n pr3ferd quidich n Derridina didnt 33ther cuz she forg0t n wuz t00 bizy t3achin Winky (sh3z a hous3 elf n kinda a l0zer) 2 d0 h3r hair n nailz s0 w3n thay vizit3d Dum agin h3 wuz PO3d n gotted shirty but showed th3m wh3re Valmart tak3s stuf frum 0ld womanz n kilt her.

Thay g0tted sick a tryin 2 get Slug 2 giv3 tham tha r3al m3mory he pr0bly kn0wed mem0ry is a c0nstitu3nt part a id3ntity n didnt want 2 b3 identity th3fted 0r sumthin but h3z stil lam3. S0 thay acchooed tha Countz b00k that sed wut happ3ned n ach00 iz makin stuf com3 at u. S0 thay didnt n33d tha felix aft3r all s0 it wuz a usel3ss pl0t devic3 n losed it's narativ3 functi0n n becummed a signifi3r with0ut a signifi3d. But th3n wut d0eznt.

Thay saw3d that Slug r33lly t0led Walmart that h3 r00led n wuz kewl n Volmart ask3d wut h0rcrux3s wuz n Slug s3d it wuzzed a s0ul fragm3nt u gotted by d0in murd3r wich iz dum cuz tha s0ul getz fragm3nted by disc0ntinu0us narativity I m3an duh. S0 Walmart s3d killin l0tsa p33pl wud b3 kewl cuz th3n ud g3t m0re s0ul fram3ntz n b3 m0re immortal. But Slug sedded that wuz bad cuz murd3r sux.

"I WANT 2 D0 SEX WITH GINY" sed Hary.

"OK" s3d D3rradina.

"SHEZ R0NZ SIST3R" sedded Hairy.

"SO?" s3d Derridina. R0n wuz kinda dum anyway. H3 thought punk rock iz kewl thatz s0 old d00d. I b3t hez a formalist.

Th3n thay w3nted 2 s33 Dum n tha C0unt wuzzed buggin him ab0ut Snap3 killin him agin.

"U SH0ULDNT HA MARGARINIZ3D SNAPE 3VEN IF H3 IZ A JERK" s3d D3rridina.

"SHUT UP N T3L THA M3MARY"  sed Dum.

Thay t0led Dum tha m3mory but he wuz stil POed cuzzed they wuz sp0sed 2 get it n put it in th3 p3nsieve with iz ware u put ur mammariez s0 u can s33 tham lat3r.

"S0 WUT W3 STIL KN0 WUT HAPP3ND" s3d H3rry.

"U GOTTED THAT FR0M MY B00K IT DUZZNT C0UNT" sed tha C0unt.

"WUTEV3R."

H3 gaved tham d3tenti0n whare th3y haved 2 writ3 a thesus.

1 day tha C0unt callt D3rridina 2 hiz offic3.

"STOP HARY FRUM D0IN THA SECTEMBRA SPEL IT MAK3S MAL0Y BL33D N IZ BAD." h3 sed. "N ST0P SNAP3 FRUM KILLIN DUMBELLDOR."

"NOW U ASK 4 H3LP. L0ST UR 3GO OLD MAN?"sed D3rradina.

"SHUT UP N D0 WUT I SAY U M0RON T33NYBOPP3R." sed tha C0unt.

“OK S0 I CAN BE HER0 BUT IM JINXIN U 4 B3IN A JERK" sed Deridina n sh3 maked tha Count lust aft3r H3dwig s0 Dumberd0rt g0tted jeal0us n wuzzed ev3n m0re POed then b4.

N sh3 show3d Hary h0w h3 cutted up Malf0y in tha b00k n feel3d bad ab0ut it.

"THA ME IN THA B00K SUX CUTTIN PEEPL UP WITH A SP3L IZ QEWL." sed Harry.

"N0 ITS NOT CM0N W3 G0TSTAS ST0P DETH EETERZ FRUM COMIN IN THRU THA WARDR0BE IN THAT W3IRD R00M THATS ONLY THARE WEN U N33D IT N TH3N WE G0 WITH DUMBO 2 G3T THA WHORCRUX."s3dded Darrydina.

"WUT D0 WE GET 2 DO" sed Ron n Miney.

"U GET 2 HAV3 ANUTHER LOV3RS QUARR3L" sed Derr3dina. Sh3 feelt bitchy.

Hary went3d 2 tha weird r00m in cas3 Malf0y tryed 2 put tha wardrope in thare. Meenwiles Derridina w3nted 2 turnt Malfoy good.

"Y R U A J3RK" sh3 asked Malf0y.

Malfoy sedded h3 wuz misunderst00ded n g0t angst cuz Luci0us diss3d him 4 likin fl0werz.

"CUM 0VER 2 THA RIGHT SID3 U RNT A KILL3R D00D" s3dded Derridina. "LETZ DO S3X."

"OK" sed Drac0.

N D3rridina st0pted Drac0 frum lettin in th3 deaf eat3rz but thay dasgised thams3lvz az salezm3n n gotted in ennyway but that wuz lat3r.

"OK I TURNT DRAC0 G00D S0 LETZ GIT THA HORCRUX." s3d Derradina. "N W3N I SAY G00D I D0NT IMPLY A VALU3 JUDG3M3NT CUZ THAYR3 BAD."

"0K W3RE G0IN 2 A CAV3 WHARE VOLDAMART DIDDED NASTY STUF 2 0THER KIDZ W3N HE WUZ A ORFIN" sed Dum.

S0 thay did n thare wuz this lak3 in tha cav3 with lotz a d3ad peepl in it n thay cross3d in a b0at.

"IM SCAIRT" sed Hary.

"DONT B3 A WUSS DEAD PEEPL3 R LAMERZ" sed Derridina.

Thay cr0ssed tha lak3 n thare wuz this p0tion thay had 2 drink 2 get at tha wh0rcrux.

"IM DRINKIN THIS" sed Dum.

"N0 UR N0T I AM" sed Herry.

"N0 I AM" s3d Darridina.

Derridina drunked tha p0tion cus she wuz immun3 2 it. Th3n tha d3d peepl atak3d but D3rridina dunned a jinx 0n them that mad3 them d0 disc0 dancin. Th3n Harry tri3d 2 kil h3r cuz sh3 wuz bein tha h3ro n h3 want3d 2 b3 tha her0.

"THAT WUZ DUM BEIN EVIL SUX" sed D3rridina.

"SORRY" sed Horry.

"THATZ OK" sed Derridina.

"U R00L IM G00D AGIN" s3d Hary.

"KEWL" sedded Derradina. Th3n sh3 maked it s0 Harry wuznt a harecrux anym0re. Meenwil3 Dum l00kded at bird p0rn. "LETZ GO" s3d D3rridina s0 thay did.

Tha Count wuz sp0sed 2 st0p bad peepl  fr0m cummin in but Derridinaz jinx wuz stil w0rking s0 h3 wuz d0in perv stuf n  came 2  tha d00r at tha last minut3  but Min3y had alreddy lett3d tha deaf eaterz in disgized  az t00thpaste salezm3n cuz sh3 thotted thay wuz cut3 n R0n tho0ught watev3r cuz h3 wuz dum. Th3n thare wuz l0ts a fitin.

Derradina N WATN0T COME BACK N thare wuz d3th 33terz 0n tha t0wer ware they land3d n Snap3 c0me n Dum sed "SEVR3RUS PLEEZ" wich meenz im a l0zer s0 Snap3 thr0wed a avada curs3 wich kilz p33ple at him.

Derridina figger3d sh3 wuz pr0bly immun3 2 the avada k3davra s0 sh3 tri3d 2 bl0ck it but tha C0unt wuzzed a j3rk n push3d h3r outa tha way n th3n b0th h3 n Dum g0tted hit by it so it als0 kilt tha C0unt witch iz kewl but I b3t h3 com3z bak st00pid s3lf-ins3rtion. N Dumeld0e di3d n fell3d 0ff tha t0wer. That suck3d even if h3 wuz a lam3r. Lam3rz shud git 2morr0 t0o.

N tha pr0fs wuz bumm3d n th0ught mayb3 thay shud shut d0wn tha sk00l cuz h00 wantz 2 s3nd ur kidz 2 s0meplac3 ware peepl git murd3red its kinda cr33py ev3n if itz kewl in a  m0rbid kinda way cuz its p3rverse n stuf.

Thay wuz P0ed cuz Dum di3d d3spite all tha stuf thayd dunned 2 st0p it. "THA NARATIV3 WUZ SP0SED 2 CHANG3 CUZ W3 DID STUF" sed D3rridina. "I HAT3 IT WEN THA NARRATIV3 GITS A ATTITUD3.”

“YEAH” s3d R0n.

“H0W COM3 U LETTED THA DEATH 3ATERZ IN. THAT WUZ DUM." S3d D3rridina.

"THAY L00KED LIK3 0PRESSED OTH3RZ" sed Miney.

"NO THAYRE CAPITALISTS" s3d Derradina.

N Snap3 runned away n n0w w3 kn0w hez 3vil unl3ss Dumbl3d0rk want3d 2 be kilt. H3 wuz s0 dum u nev3r kn0. N n0 on3 kn0wed wut tha p0tion wuz 0r wy Snap3 kilt Dum 0r wut wuz g0in on cuz it w0nt be splaint til tha dethly hallos comez 0ut.

"ALL THIS STUF THAT WONT MAK3 SENS3 TIL THA NEXT B00K SH0WZ H0W NARATIVE IZ UNC0MPLETE N FRAGM3NTED N CAN ONLY B3 ACTUALIZ3D OUTSIDE ITSELF N STUF N ITZ MET0NYMIC." sed D3rridina.

"Y3AH N GINNYZ HOT" s3d Hary.

N thay had a fun3ral n 3vry0ne wuz bumm3d ecept mayb3 tha mistry a magic n Umbridg3 thay might a bin fak3d it 2 cr3ate a fals3 narativ3 2 uph0ld theirs heg3mony n stuf.

"N0W W3 G0TTA GIT THA H0RCRUXES S0 W3 CAN B3AT V0LDAMART" sed Hary.

"NO DUH" s3d D3rridina.

"W3 WANT 2 H3LP U N HARY" sed R0n n Min3y.

"OK U CAN D0 COMIC R3LIEF L0L" sedded Derridina.