The Unabridged Diaries of Wesley Crusher

edited by Count Menelvagor-Nikolai de Tildanor and Commissar "Bqggz" Bagronk


An incredibly annoying human landed in Fredonia the other day. Bagronk and I killed it, but we had better taste than to eat it. Even Orcs are more disciminating than THAT. Ugh. However, we decided to publish some bits of the human's diary, as a warning to us all.

Day 2276754774: Tonight I had erotic fantasies about Deanny Troi again. Must build submoleculartachyondecompositor to suppress thoughts.

Day 3267885322222: I'm liek todally kewl.  i just saved the ship by rearranging the warp matirx again, preventing the ship from turning into a monster that looks like the jolly green giant.  and the girl from bimbox is so cute.  they tell me she hit pew burr tea.  what's that?

Day 443333733 blah blha blha:  I saved the universe.  no one else wd have thought of tinkertoys.  adults!

Day 90238746: Today i killed a lot of people. but i was possessed by an evil alien, so nobody was really angry at me.

Day 3464644737337377: I've founded a school for misfit geniuses. i can't wait to wield my power over my minions. "you are expelled for misunderestimating the length of W. Crusher's, er, brain thing." like woohoo.

Day  34345424284284242: I finally found a species i can mate with.  i need a microscope to see her wugwahs, though.  almost forgot to mention i saved the universe again. this time i used shaving cream.

Day -364583: Our last time travel has brought us into a weird land full of people with pointy ears. middle-earth or whatever. a giant spider tried to mate with me. oh damn, she's returning! aaaaatghhsg... transmission interrupted * **

Shelob's diary, same date: I really mahzst lay ofvv ze aphrodisiacs.  zis iees too zeek evfen fvor me!

Day 387234234: I met a guy named Noel. I bowed to his superior wisdom.

Day 32784238747448424244842: I've decided that joining a jellyfish invasion of earth is the RIGHT thing to do. yeah! [Heaven knows how he reasoned that. He probably met a hot female jellyfish.]

Day 273623178461782346286428: i stratted to msitype my wrods. waht is hppenign tome?

Day 326423364324362472642: i am apaprentlz stcku on the plnaet tyopion.  i am being brinawahsed by intelelgient balrogs. they have fnoud that i alone, amons all hmsuan, am smart enough for them to deucate.  waz cllo lolololol. i got smoe wreid friepwoer, too. cna't waut to use it on the neterpsire.  like whaoh

Day 2367451236741355413451345: I have discovered I am blue under my uniform. this gives new substance to my old fear that i am really Brainy Smurf.