You comb your toes in the classic "duck's ass" style.

You get drunk on Saturday nights and beat up elves.

You approve of dwarves because they look like ZZ Top.

All the trailers in the trailer park where you live have round doors.

The police come around to your place every time someone loses a Ring.

The barman at the Green Dragon refuses to serve you.

Trolls avoid you because of your bad breath.

You are banned in Buckland because you blew the horn-call when the baseball team you root for was losing.

There are Bondo spots on your pony.

You are always excused as a juryman because all the parties involved are your cousins.

You think it unrefined to suck your teeth after having left table.

Property values rose where you live when Orcs began to move in and replace your kith and kin.

The Ring refused to speak to you on Mount Doom.

The garden gnome on your front lawn is actually a statue of your father.

When you came to Lórien, all the Elves sought the Grey Havens.

You use Narya to light your pipe.

Spiders have learned to fear your kebab sticks.

You use Sam's shears to shave.

You dynamite the Water for fish.

You shot Bombadil because he ran around naked on the grass.

You steal Maggot's mushrooms to make a brew out of them.

You have a sign hanging by the dinner table saying "KEEP ME FED UNTIL I'M DEAD".

You never got over your amazement when the Dwarves tossed *you* out of Moria.

You suspect Bill the pony of being a Communist.

You get tears in your eyes when you hear "Duelling Harps".

You have a sign on your waggon saying "NUKE THE ENTS".

You distrust Bill Ferny because of his "fancy accent".

You think Cerin Amroth would look better with a few garden gnomes.

You improve miruvor by pouring bourbon into it.

You think a fried Mûmak's ear with *three* kinds of ketchup is the height of sophistication.

You get voted Shirriff because everybody in the township is related to you.

You want to play golf using Golfimbul's rules.

You tolerate Gollum because you never shoot another man's dog.

Your family tree has 57 branches but only eight different names.

Your "uncle" is actually both your "first and second cousin, once removed either way, as the saying is, if you follow me."

When the old wizard pulls up with a wagon full of packages, you think they're marked "G" for "grits."

You have a bumper sticker that reads: "IMPEACH GANDALF".

You get tears in your eyes when you hear a Nazgûl scream because its voice reminds you of Mom.

You get a discount when you buy candy and cigarettes for your relatives in the Lockholes.

Farmer Maggot's dogs refuse to track you because your smell makes them sick.

Your aging relatives, growing weary of Middle-earth, go east on the Old Crooked Path.

You call Boromir "Bo".

The trailer park where you live is situated in the Dead Marshes.

Orcs are offended by your language.

Saruman refused to use you as breeding stock.

You dig Shelob because you're a legs man.

You hate the squirrels of Mirkwood because they are black.

You like the Orcs' homebrew.

Not even Gaffer Gamgee can work out your family tree.

You ever became so drunk that you were carted away from the party in a wheelbarrow.