D3RRIDINA DOEZ HOGWARTZ

Chapter 1. D3RRIDINA GETS THA SQUIRR3L

D3rridina wuz like b0rned in a br0th3l becuz thay knu vold3mort wudnt l00k in ther3 n sh3 wuz hidd3n becuz sh3 wuz part hous3elf part c3ntaur part m3rmaid part human, so tha d3th eaterz wud be aft3r h3r n sh3 wuz pr0ph3sied 2 be the gratest witch in hist0ry n she wud kil Voldamort n Harry P00ter wud be h3r sidekick n luv intr3st n stuff. H3r par3nts got kilt by voldamort hoo made th3m reed fanfik till thay gagged n di3d a horribl d3th. That wuz nasty.

D3rridina g0t lots of angst frum that but aft3rwurdz it g0t wors cuz sh3 wuz not only razed by mugglez who hated magik, sh3 wuz rased by pimps n pr0stitutes ho hat3d magic, s0 a million y33rz of therapy 0r ev3n reading p0stcolonial th3ory cudnt h3lp. Sh3 had incr3dibl p0werz n cud m00ve montains n r33d mindz n stuft but sh3 didn’t kno how 2 us3 h3r powerz n thot she wuz 0ut uv h3r mind cuz no on cud d0 such stuff, s0 thinkin she losed h3r mind gav3 her lotz ov angst. N stuff. Though h3r p0werz did come in handy if tha pimp whoo’d adopt3d h3r tri3d 2 doo anything discusting 2 h3r.

Sumtim3s she ternd invizzable n visited Harryz skool n pr0tected Hary frum tha bullys but sh3 cud only doo this wen she cud giv3 the brothel peepel tha slip cuz thay w3re buzy appar3ntly floutin s0cietal n0rmz but reely oppr3ssin wimminz. n sh3 w3nt 2 a nasty inn3r city skool with lotz ov gang crap g0ing on.

Th3n wen sh3 wuz 11 she start3d getting 0wl litterz sayin sh3 wuz g0in ta Hogwartz. n sins sh3 livd in LA sh3 didn’t kn0 h0w sh3 wuz g0in ta get thare 0r get h3r accessories cuz sh3 didn’t know whare Diagony Ally wuz. But f0rtunatly tha br0th3l wuz right next 2 a nu ag3 store n tha stuff wuz way bett3r then the stuff in Digonle Aly n h3r par3ntz had l3ft h3r lots ov munny but had cl3verly hidd3n it in the libery cuz n0 one w3nt thare. N sh3 knowed this cux she did. Th0ugh wh3n I say “kn0” I don’t imply that conv3ntional vi3wz of knowledge r “tru3.”

Th3n Dumbeldor caem 2 tha br0th3l n I don’t kn0 wut h3 did ther3 but wen h3 wuz doned he picked up D3rridina n t00k h3r 2 Hogwartz cuz sh3 wuz 2 imp0rtent 2 l33ve 2 hagrid who wuz bizzy with Hary innyway.

N th3n when it caem tim3 2 put 0n tha s0rtin hat it decided that sh3 wuz so brilliant that sh3 belonged in all 4 h0us3s. sh3 spended the 1st nite in grifundor3 with H3rminey.

“I KNO EVRYTHING” sed Herminey.

“NO U DON’T. EV3N I DON’T KNO 3VRYTHING BUT I KNO MOR3 THEN U CUZ IM D3STINED” sed Derridina.

“Y3AH RITE” sed Herminy. But D3rridina just smil3d.

D3rridina w3nt 2 chat with Harry n R0n.

“HARY R00LZ CUZ HE’Z DESTINED,” s3d R0n.

“KEWL, S0 AM I” sed D3rridina.

“I DON’T KNO ANYTHING N IM D00MED CUZ TH3 OTHER WIZERDZ WIL FRY ME” sed Harry.

“N0 THAY WON’T. U GOTTA B3LI3VE IN URSELF” sed Derridina n sh3 did a s0ng n danse rooteen n everyone joint in.

n0w 3vryone knu about Hary havin a density but thay didn’t kn0 about Derridina cuz it wuz k33pt secr3t so Harry cud be a dee-coy.

Malfoy went 2 Derridina n sed: “U SUK CUZ UR NOT PUREBR3D N AM3RIKINZ SUX CUZ THAY DON’T HAV3 N0 CLASS.”

But D3rridina s3d “SHUT UP AM3RICUNZ R KEWL CUZ W3 HAVE ALL THA KEWL P0P CULTCH3R (SP?) N HARESTILES N THE B3ST P0STMOD3RN THEERY PEEPL N UR P3RPETUATIN 0UTMODED P0WER STRUCTURZ N IM D3SCENTED FROM ISIS N SHAZAM WICH IS B3TTER THEN U CUZ THAYRE IN SATT3RDAY CART00NZ N UR INCESTORS ARNT N ID RATH3R B3 MIX3D BLOOD TH3N W3IRD INBRED W33RDOZ LI3K U N PUR3BRED SOUNDZ LIKE A D0G N I B3T UR MOTH3RZ NA3M WUZ SW33T POLLY PUERB3D N UR A STRUCTURALIST SO U SUX SO BUG 0FF.” 3veryon laffed whil3 malfoy slunk away.

Thay wented 2 Snapes class, n snap3 sed: “50 POINTZ FRUM GRIFF3NDOOR BECUZ U SUCK POTT3R.”

“ST0P B3IN A JERK SNAP3” sed D3rridina.

“50 MORE POINTZ FRUM GRIFFUMDOR” sed Snap3.

“IM N0T IN GRIFF3NDOOR IM IN ALL THA H0UZES CUZ THA HAT KNU IM G00D ENUFF F0R ALL OF THEM N U CANT TAK3 P0INTZ FRUM M3 OR PUT ME IN DET3NSHUN, 0NLY DUMBOD00R CAN D0 THAT CUZ IM SPECIAL N UR AUTH0RITARIN M0DEL OF SKOOL GOV3RNANCE IZ PASSÉ” s3d D3rridina.

“0H? WEL ILE HAFTA TALK 2 DUMMELDORE AB0UT THAT” sed Snap3.

“U D0 THAT” s3d D3rridina with a laugh. Th3n she mad3 a p3rfect kewln3ss poti0n that mad3 wh0ever dranked it kewl.

N Herminey wuz jellous cuzzed D3rridina wuz at th3 head of all tha class3s, s0 sh3 sed “UR NOT AZ SMART AZ U THINK U AR GRRL.”

N Derridina laft n s3d “L0L UR 3GO IZ EVEN BIGG3R TH3N UR HARE MINEY.” But th3n Derridina f3lt bad for Miney cuz sh3 wuzzed lon3ly n no 0ne lik3d h3r s0 sh3 made frendz with her. N sh3 interduced her 2 R0n n Hairy. N thay 3xplor3d tha cassle uzin Haryz invizzablety cloak n D3rridinas mist3ry mist that mad3 h3r unpl0ttable n wuz coler-co-0rdinat3d n also D3rridina iz tha 0nly human b3in wh0 can controle p33vz becuz she iz a ghastlemouth.

“THAT WUZ LIKE TODALLY BRILLIANT WEN U DISSED SNAP3 N H3 CUDNT D0 ANYTHIN ABOUT IT” sed R0n. “U LIKE ROOL.”

“SNAP3S TRYIN 2 KIL HAIRY” added Miney. “I SAW HIM D0IN A SP3L DURIN THA QUIDICH GAM3 N HARRYZ BR00M WENTED OUT UV KUNTROLL. BUT I ST0PT HIM.”

“Y3H N H3 WANTS 2 GET THE SAUCERERS STONED” sed Hary. “H3 G0TTED ATTACKED BY FLUFFY. HEZ LIKE 3VIL N STUFF.”

“N0 HEZ N0T EVLE HEZ JUST A J3RK” sed D3rridina. “HE WUZ SAVIN HARY FRUM SQUIRREL. SQUIRREL WAS CURSIN HARY BUT WEN MINY TRIPT HIM THAT BROKED THA SP3L. H3 WANTS 2 BRING BAK VOLDYM0RT.”

“D0NT SAY THA NAM3” s3d r0n.

“DON’T BE WUSSY. EVRYON3 WHOZE KEWL SEZ THA NAME.”

“Y3H BUT HOW DO U KNO AL THIS STUFT?” sed Hary.

“IM N0T GONNA DISCUSS EPIST3MOL0GY CUZ U CAN READ ABOUT THAT IN HUSS3RL BUT I KNOS STUF CUZ IM A LEG LEMON S0 I  REED MINDZ” S3D DERRIDINA. “BUT ENNYWAY W3 GOTSTAS MAKE A PLAN 2 ST0P SQUIRREL SO HE CANT KIL HAIRY. OR ALM0ST KIL HARY CUZ H3 W0NT B ABLE 2 TUCH HARY CUZ HARY WUZ L0VED. BUT GOIN AFT3R HIM WIL STIL B A DRAG S0 ID RATH3R DOO IT IN THA SK00L NOT THA PLAC3 WARE THAYRE KEEPING THA ST0NE. TH3N U N R0N WIL HAV3 MOR TIEM 2 PLAY NINTEND0 N MINEY N M3 CAN DOO EECH UDDERZ HARE CUZ I KNO L0TS UV MAGIK HAR3STILES.”

“Y3H BUT IT MIGHT B3 FUN 2 GET THA SORSER3RS STONED ANYWAY” s3d Hary. “JUST 2 SAY W3 DID.”

“OK” sed D3rridina. “BUT W3RE STOPPING SQUIRR3L FIRST.”

Thay all agr33d n in tha n3xt dark art cla55 d33ridina raz3d her hand.

“WUT” sed Squirr3l.

“I KNO UR 3VIL N U TRI3D 2 KIL HARRY N UR P0SS3ST BY VOLMART” sed D3rridina. “VALMARTZ BAD CUZ HES HOSTI3L (SP?) TAKEOVERIN THA OTH3R WIZ3RDZ N W0NT LET H0USE3LFZ UNIONIZ3.”

“BULCRAP” s3d Squirr3l. “DID U RITE UR ESSAY ON WY VAMPIR3S SUX?”

“AG3S AG0” sed D3rridina. “BUT D0NT CHANG3 THA SUBJ3CT I KNO UR EVLE N IM ST0PPIN U.” n sh3 turnt Squirrelz turbun in2 a t0p hat that l00kt todally lame n woldemart s3d “IM NOT WARIN THIS” n l3ft cuz Squirr3ls nu fashin statem3nt suxed.

Th3n sh3 n the 0therz turnt Squirr3l in2 pacman n he di3d of lamen3ss.

N thay w3nt n g0t thru tha guardins n saw tha st0ne but it wuz lame so thay letted Dumpledore d00 wutev3r with it.

Th3n thay all gots l0tsa p0ints but D3rridina g0t mor then al tha oth3r h0uses put 2geth3r.

Thay w3nted h0me n lif3 for Hary suxed cuz h3 wuzzed at Priv3t Dive n Derridina wuz in tha brothel in LA. Sh3 perswaded tha pimp 2 move the both3l 2 Littl3 Whinging s0 she cud h3lp Hary but thay cudnt mov3 til Augist so Harry stil had 2 hav3 a sucky lif3 with muggl3 lam3rz.

Chapter 2