D3RRIDINA DOEZ HOGWARTZ

Chapter 3. D3RRIDINA HAS ANGST CUZ A D3MENTERZ BUT CONKERZ IT N ST0PZ NASTY STUF FROM HAPP3NIN N ALM0ST ST0PS OTH3R STUF FRUM HAPPANING

D3rridina vizzited Hary a lot durin tha sumer witch made the Dirtys Haryz nasty mugg3l  reletiv3z whoo appress3d him li3k tha guy whoo dissed PJ 0pprest me in tha e-mal3 list cuz thay n3gated tha 0th3r w0rse then w3stren civolization wh3n it diss3d the Midd3l 3ast cuz peepl uze hookahs n ware t3bunz n stuff th0 I think valez sux, anyway it mak3d tha Dirtys mor3 barabl3. That wuz until Ant Marg3 ca3m n toled Hary n Derridina “U SUX.”

S0 Hary bl0wed Ant Marg3 up n Derridina punchered her. LOL.

“Sh3 d3served it” sed Harry. “IM L3AVIN.”

“M3 T00 THEN” sed D3rridina. “TH3 BROTH3L SUX RITE N0W CUZ THA PIMP IZ ALWAYZ ST0NED WICH MAK3S HIM PERV.”

“LIKE EEW” sed Hairy. S0 thay l3aved.

“WHARE D0 W3 G0 N0W W3RE OUTCATS N HAVE NOPLACE 2 GO N THA BIG BLACK D0G THAT K33PZ L00KIN AT M3 SCAIRTS M3.” S3d Hary.

“DON’T WURRY” sed D3rridina. “W3L GET PICKTED UP BY A NITE BUS N TAK3D SUMWARE SAF3 N MY L3G LEMONZ T3LL ME THA D0GZ G00D N HEZ G0NED NOW ANYWAY SO WATEV3R D00D.”

“I LUV U” s3d Hary.

Then tha bust cam3d n t00ked th3m 2 Diagony Ally n they met tha li3k Minuster n h3 s3d thay fixt up Marg3 n it wuz n0 big d33l n happ3nz al tha tiem but b3 car3ful cuz S3rious Blake is out n h3z a dang3rus criminal n kilt a buncha p33pl n that’s li3k wh0ah. So thay staid in Agony Aley n sh0pped a lot cuzzed tha stor3z thare like todaly r00l n thay ha3v a h0le stor of nuthin but magick eyeshadd0 that makez ur sole coller-co0rdanated witch iz important cuz wud u like 2 go 2 tha aft3rlife with ur collerz messed up itd l00k todally lame n like dum. N 3vry0ne lust3d 4 tha fireb0lt but Derradina wuzzed mor3 innerest3d in da c0mbe that mak3s ur hare l00k li3k 0rli.

N thay metted R0n n Miney n s3d yo. But th3n Miney got this cat h00 keept tryin 2 kil Ronz rat nam3d Scabb3rz n R0n gotted pist 0ff n thay k33pt fitin n D3rridinaz wizdumb toled her this fightin wuz dum n sh3 tol3d them that n add3d “MY LEG L3MONZ SAY THAT RAT IZ W33RD” but R0n n Miney sed wuttever.

Th3n wh3n thay w3re on tha H0gwarts expr3ss th3re wuz a pr0fess3r in th3ir cumparm3nt h00 wuzzed a sl33p n wuz oviusly p00r n 0ppr3ssed n stuft.

“MY LEG L2MONZ SAY …” beganed Derridina.

“I SIK OV UR LEG LEMMINGZ THAYRE BORIN N U TALK T00 MUCH” s3d R0n. H3 wuz annoyed cuz h3r l3g l3monz hhad call3d hiz rat w33rd.

“DON’T B3 SUCH A LAM3R 0R I WONT D00 UR HARE” sed Derridina.

Th3n sum d3menterz cam3d in n thay w3re ugly n w0re 1ame 50s cloze n hav3d n0 fashiun s3nse n thair handz wuz yucky cuz thay dint uze skin cr33m n 3vry0ne rem3mberd thair wurst mamories n D3rridina r3memberd tha tiem shed binned diss3d at tha pr0m cuz sh3 wuz kewl n had a tragic past n dint conform ta soci3ty cuz F0ucault s3d it wuz crap n th3n 0ne uv tha d3menterz lust3d for h3r n sh3 feel3d it pawin h3r n wuz todaly gr0ssed out 0r shed have h3lpt Harry but tha perf3sser  did in st3d n th3n tha pref3sser gotted rid ov tha dementerz n D3rridina wud hav3 cuz 0ne ov her unkels wuz part d3m3nter so she knowed som anti dam3nter magik but sh3 fergotted cuz sh3 wuz scairt n th3n tha processor gave h3r choklit so sh3 feeled better n sed “I LUV U” but wuz imbarased. N that gived h3r angst.

N aft3r thay g0t 2 sko0l Min3y t00ked s3vral class3z at onc3 n R0n n Haiery didunt kn0 h0w but D3rridina knu but didn’t say n sh3 skipt magical cr33turez cuz sh3 alr3ddy knu all that frum b3in part m3rmade part sentore part hous3elf part humin n related 2 peepl hoo were part dem3nt0r part ent half boggart thr33 quart3rz doxi3 tw0 fiftz weresnale n famly g3t 2gethrz wuz a ri0t. n Hagrid wuz a nic3 guy but l3tz fac3 it as a t3acher h3 suxed. Ev3n my 3nglish teech3r iz bett3r then that n h3 haznt heard ov D3rrida n like t0dally didn’t get my critiqu3 ov cunventiunal orth0graphy. N stuff.

Thay w3nt 2 diviniatiun n perfess3r Tr3lawny s3d “UR D00M3D HARRY U HA3V THA GRIM ITZ A BIG BLACK D0G N MEENZ UR GUNNA DI3.”

“LI3K WH0AH” sed Lav3nda n tha uther grrl.

“LOOKZ MOR3 LI3K N ARMA-DILD0 2 M3” sed Miney.

“LOOX LIKE CRAP 2 ME” sed D3rridina n everywun laffed at h3r grate wizd0m.

But Hary wuz scairt cuz h3 keept seein black dog ev3ryware n D3rridina sed “MY LEG L3MONZ TEL U ITZ FIEN I TOLT U THAT AT L33ST 20 TIEMZ R U SL0W.” N Harry sed “THATZ MEEN IM N0T TALKIN 2 U I LUV MIN3Y SO NYAH.” N Min3y n R0n wernt talking cuz Mineyz cat k33pt tryin 2 kil R0nz rat wich ov c0rse wuz actuerly but I cant tell u that y3t. Th3n thay gotted 0ver it.

N thare wuz l0tza dem3neterz around n thay kept scarin Hary with horable memmeriez a nasty stuff happnin 2 hiz par3ntz n thay came out durin a quidditch (sp?) gam3 n Hary faint3d n Malfoy mad3 fun a him n pert3nded 2 be a dementer n tha dem3nter that lust3d f0r D3rridina wuzzed there n ke3pt p0sitioning h3r wich iz gr0sse n it f0rsed itself 0n her itz scabby handz  d0in duzgustin thingz 2 h3r n tha h0rrer wuz s0 bad n0 0ne but h3r cud have endured it n0t 3ve Britn3y Sp33rz n sh3 gotted tha wurst angst any0ne had 3ven Ana Nicol3 Smut. L00pin wuz g00d n taught3d tham lotza dark kreacherz n h3 teached Hary n D3rridina tha patronis sp3l n Hary g0tted 2 uze it on Malf0y n D3rridina used it on tha rapest dem3nter n kilt it.

N S3rious kept br3akin in n scarin p0rtrates cuz he l00ked li3k a marginaliz3d 0ther n h3 wuz caughted thr3atening R0n with a dagg3r but h3 wuzzed reely aft3r tha rat. N Snap3 thinked Lupin wuz letting Serius in cuz thay useta b3 frendz n thay w3re frendz with Hary Pooterz dad n a kid nam3d Pet3r whoo wuz a luzer but hunged out with th3m cuz thay w3re kewl n thay mak3d tha maraud3rz map n Hary n D3rridina n whatn0t used it 2 get in2 Hogmeed or wutever n find al tha kewl placez ware teecherz hid thare diryz n p0rn n stuff til Loopin t00ked it incase thay f0und hiz w0lf porn.

Th3n one day aft3r examz tha d0g cam3 n drugg3d R0n 2 the shri3kin shack wich wuz a shack in Hogzmade that wuz spos3d 2 b3 haunt3d n Hairy n Miney f0llowed tham n Loppin followed th3m n Snap3 folloed thum. I m3an tham. N S3rius mad3 lieke h3 wuz evul s0 w3 cud hav3 suspence n stuff n want3d 2 kil tha rat n L00py cam3 n sed “Wate a minnit r u 3vil or g00d” n S3rius sed g00d cuzzed Pet3r did th3 bad stuff li3k batrayin Jim n Lilly Poot3r n killin a buncha p3ple n mad3 it l00k li3k Serius kilt hum by ternin in2 a rat n h3 recugnized him in tha Daly Prophit cuz he wuz a lam3r. n then h3 ascap3d frum Hogwartz I meen Afganistan wich iz tha wizzerdz prison ware d3m3nterz hang 0ut n d00 nasty thingz li3k suck 0ut ur sole n s3l ur inf0rmation 2 scummy c0perations n spam u n d0 rap n stuff s0 h3 cud kil Pete.

N Snap3 innerrupt3d tham but thay knockted him 0ut.

N Miny sed “LOOPINZ BAD HEZ A WEIRDW0LF” n D3rridina sed “MY L3G LEMON SEZ H3Z G00D. BUT HOWD U KN0 THA RAT WUZZED P3T3R L00P.” n Loppin sed “CUZ H3 COMED UP 0N THA MAP. IT SH0WED P3TER WUZ WITH R0N. B3FOR THAT I THUNKED H3 WUZ DEAD N S3RIUS WUZ BAD. N0W I KN0 HEZ G00D.”

N Miny sed “P3TER CANT BE THA RAT CUZ IF HE TERNS IN2 A RAT HEZ A MAGNANIMOUS N U HA3V 2 REGISTER N STUFF 4 THAT.”

N Loopy sed “N0 U D0NT. THARE WUZ 3 UNREGULATED MONG00SES (THATZ WIZARDZ WHO TURN IN2 AMINALS) IN HOGWORTZ. JIM WUZ A STAG WICH HAZ HORNZ OR SUMTHIN N P3TER WUZ A RAT N S3RIOUS WUZ A D0G. N THAY K33PT ME COMPANY W3N I TURNT IN2 A WAREW0LF. WED LI3K D0 KEWL STUFF LI3K HAVE SEX WITH ANUMALZ N KNEWED WARE AL THA KEWL PLAC3S 2 PEE W3RE. N WE CALLED OUSR3LVEZ WORMTALE CUZ P3TER WUZ WORMY N PETF000T CUZ SERIUS LIK3D PURINA N M00NY CUZ I M00NED PEEPL A L0T W3N I WUZ IN A W0LF WICH IZ WY I HAD 2 HID3 W3N I CHANG3D CUZ I SQUICKED PEEPL N WUZ ABARRASSED AFT3RWEIRDS N THE PRONZ CUZ JIM WUZ REELY KEWL IN STAG DISGUISE N WENTED H3Y H3Y H3Y A LOT.”

“IM SICK A THA BS I WANT 2 KIL TH3 RAT N0W” sed Seerius.

“PR0VE HEZ BAD FURST” sed sumwun.

S0 they didded a sp3l that turnt P3ter or SCabb3rz in2 a d00d. but h3 wuz
stil a lam3r.

“U SUX N BATRAY3D LILLY N JAMEZ S0 WER GUNNA KIL U” sed Loop n S3rious.

“DON’T D0 THAT KILLIN SUX N IZ GANGSTA WICH IZ DUM” s3d Harry n Darridina. “PUT HIM IN UZBEKISTAN PRIZON WARE THE D3MENTORZ CAN PUNISH HIM BY FEEDIN HIM CRAPPY CAFAT3RIAN FOOD.”

“OK.”

S0 thay hedd3d bac 2 Hogwash but L00py turnt in2 a warew0lf but Derridina knu h0w 2 handel weirdwolfs cuz at l33st haf h3r relativez wer3 but P3ter gotted away cuz tha Dam3nterz caem n gott3d Serius n th3n thay gotted Hary n thare wuz loadz of tham n wh3n thay saw Derridina cum back frum putttin Loop 2 b3d cuz sh3 luvv3d hum thay w3nted aft3r h3r 2 n she st0ppt 0r kilt a hundr3d or s0 but tah oth3r hundr3d gotted h3r n pinn3d her down n thay lust3d 4 her cuz thay w3re sickoz n pervz n th3n thay sawed some0ne d0 a patronas sp3l that kilt tha r3st a the dem3nterz n D3rridina thoughted it wuz h3r twin that g0t t0rtcherd by B3latrix Lugosi hoo lawved 2 tortur cuz sh3 wuz a sick0 or els cuz she wuz Alb3rto Gonzal3s mistr3ss n stuff or both.

N thay w3nted back 2 H0gwartz n w3red in sick bay getting fedded choklit n Serius wuz lock3d someware n wuz goin 2 be given 2 tha dem3nt0rz wich suxed. N now everyone knu S3rius wuz an anime manga wich m33nz he turnt in2 animalz wich callz the v3ry like nature a human id3ntuty in2 questin wich iz kewl. N thay try3d 2 get peepl 2 und3rstand that Serius wuz g00d but like grownups thay didn’t lissen cuz Snap3 wanted reveng3 on Serius 4 dissin hiz faverite bands wen they wuz in sckool. N Dumm3ld0re sedded “WE N33D MORE TIEM” n Derridina sed “TIEM 2 TAK3 OUT THA TIM3 TERNER MINEY” n Miney s3d “HOWD U KN0 AB0UT THAT” n D3rridina sed “IT WUZ S0 TODALLY OVIUS” n Hary n R0n felt dum s0 D3rridina gaevd them som3 bubblicious. Itz tha ultimate bubbl3 WTF.

S0 thay w3nted back in tiem n Derridina did a patronas that kilt tha dem3ntorz s0 it wuz her not h3r twin. N thay als0 rescued Buckbeek hoo wuz a hippocrit wich iz part eegl part hors3 part oth3r stuff n h3 wuz sposed 2 b kilt for bitin Malfoy but Malf0y as3rved it 4 bein a j3rk n callin tha hippigrift a los3r wich iz dum cuz hypogryfz g3t pist 0ff if u call tham stuff.

N thay w3nted bak 2 wh3n S3rius wuz lock3d up watin 4 tha d3mentorz n thay guv him Buckbeek s0 he gotted away. N he s3d “U GUYZ ROX N D3RRADINA LI3K R00LZ.” This wuz kewl cuz he didn’t git demented but als0 a bumm3r cuz Haryz stil stuck with tha Dirtlys n cant m0ve in wit Serious. But at leest he can g0 2 Hogmeed n0w. thay have a kewl hare salon thare.

N then thay w3nted back 2 the tiem Hogwarts wuzzed found n st0pped Sliddrin frum putting tha bazilust in the chamer of sekrits. “NOW THE LAST CHAPT3R WITH JINNY GETTING ZONKED BY THA BASILISK DIDN’T HAP3N” sed Miney.

“YEAH LI3K W0W U CANT SUBVERT NARATIVE MUCH MOR3 THEN THAT” sed D3rridina.

Thay shudda als0 goned bac n stopt Valdmart from rizin but thay fergotted.

Snap3 wuz POed cuz S3rius didn’t get dem3nted s0 h3 made up 4 it by t3llin evry0ne Loppin wuz a w33rwolf s0 he got fir3d cuz thay w3re bigotz.

0h n like I sed P3ter gotted away n w3nt under th3 name a W0rmtail n stoled someones id3ntity n max3d out there cr3dit cardz.

Chapter 4