D3RRIDINA DOEZ HOGWARTZ

Chapt3r like 5. THAT PROF GETS 3VEN MORE A JERK N THAREZ THIS TODAL B*** TEECH3R NAM3D UMBRAGE HOO GETS HERZ N D3RRIDINA BEETS D3ATHH HEATERS N OVIUSLY SH3Z THE H3RO WH0 DOEZ HARY THINK H3 IS I MEAN LIKE D000000000D

PART 1

Th3 summ3r after Derridina n Hairy gotted back from seein Valmart wuz a bummer, todally. N0 one wud t3ll Harry 0r D3rridina anything cuz thay wuz only kidz. Tha C0unt k33ped telling Dummled00r thay shud t3ll Hary wut wuz g0in 0n but Dummidork wuz all lik3 “NO HEZ ONLY A KID L3T HIM PLAY G0BTONES WICH IZ LI3K MARBELS WIL3 THA GROWNUPS TAKE CARE A STUF.”

“IM B0RED LET ME OUT” sed S3rius.

“N0 UR T00 YOUNG 2 PLUS UR SPOSED 2 B3 A DANGERUS CRIMUNAL S0 STAY IN HQ” sed Dumbod0re. Then mrs. W3asly maked him d0 Kreecherz laundry.

Tha Count went 0n n toled Dumbl3door “U GOTTA RUN TH3 SKOOL BETTER U GOT FRAUD T33CHERZ LIKE TR3LAWNY N SNAP3 BULLYIN ST00DENTS N UR DUM 2 K33P SERIUS L0CKED UP N HARY IN THA DARK N ITS G0NNA MAEK SERIUS G3T KILT N L3TS FAC3 IT AZ A HEAD MAST3R U MAK3 A G00D DISHWASH3R N IM N0T DISSIN U UR A NIC3 GUY BUT SOM3 A THE STUF U D0 IZ DUM.”

“IM ALWAYZ RITE SO BUG 0FF” sed Dumbl3dork ferv3ntly.

S0 tha C0unt n Serius n Hary n D3rredina wuz pist 0ff.

“NO 0NE WIL T3L ME ANYTHIN N IM STUK WITH THA DIRTYS N THAY SUX” wined Hary.

“ST0P EGOIZIN HARY” sed Deridina.

“IM DESTIN3D NOT U” sed Hairy.

“N0 I AM” sed D3rridina. “N U OVIOUSLY D0NT GRASP RCI0EURS ARGUM3NT THAT PL0T IZNT A STATIC STRUTCHER BUT A INT3GRATIN PR0CESS ONLY COMPL3TED IN TH3 READER BUT ITZ REELY COMPL3TED IN M3 YA KN0W.”

“SCRU U” sed Harry n st0mped 0ff n bulli3d Duddly hiz cusin n thay g0tted atack3d by damentors n D3rridina saw Hary fite th3m 0ff n sh3 helpt. N h3 had a  fight with tha Dirtlys. N a owl camed frum the Mistry n sed Hary n D3rridina wuz axpeled 4 uzin magik but thay t00k it bak n made th3m g0 2 a herein instead. N thay t00ked away D3rridinaz kewl privuliges cuz tha Mistry wuz lame. Th3n tha Dirtyz wented 0ff 2 a m33tin wich wuz actally som3thin the 0rder maked up 2 get them outa da way.

M00dy n Loopy n T0nks n um a buncha 0ther growned up wiz3rdz cam3 n sed “WERE TAKIN U 2 PHEENIX HQ WICH IZ A SEKRIT HID3OUT S0 PAK UR STUF N L3TZ G0. W3RE TAKIN BR00MZ S0 ITLL B3 SECRIT UNLEST ANY0NE S33S THA DOZEN BR00MZ IN TH3 SKY N THAY W0NT CUZ THAYRE DUM.”

“KEWL” sed Hary n Dairydina. N T0nks whoo wuz tha only kewl grownup accept mayb3 Lup n Serius n cud chang3 h3r hair coller n mak3 her pink hare alm0st az kewl as Derridina’s h3lpt Harry pack.

D3rridina sed “LETZ P00 ON THE DIRTSLEYS LAWN CUZ THAYRE JERX N SUX.”

“KEWL” sed Loopin.

“THAT’S DUM WE HAV3 2 LEAV3 QUIK N S3CRETLY S0 DETH EETERZ N MINSTRY DON’T GET US” sed Moody.

“DON’T BE A SP0ILSPORT” sedded Tonx.

S0 thay did n thay maked it sp3ll “U R LAM3RZ” n a dem3nter turnt up n laught n thay kilt it.

“I, I MEEN U R BRILIANT N R00L” Loppin toled D3rridina. N thay ask3d h3r 2 join tha 0rder n sh3 dint reely want 2 but sed OK cuz sh3z nice.

S0 thay wented 2 number 12 Grimauld Plac3 wich iz a dum nam3 4 a address. It wuz S3rius’z h0me but h3 th0ught it suxed cuz hiz fambly wuz dark wizerdz n in2 g0th n h3avy m3ttle n dint lik3 Britny Speerz. N thare wuz a fambly tr33 a Blak n evry0ne wh00 wuz kewl wuz blast3d 0ff it n only lamerz lik3 Balatrix wh00 wuz a d3th eeter wuz thare. 0h n thare wuz a h0useelf nam3 Kr33cher wich iz a todally lame name g33 wat was Jo thinking sh3 shudda ask3d m3 4 avice cuz i rewl.

N Hary sed 2 R0n n Miny “U SUX 4 NOT T3LLIN ME NOTHIN WEN IM THA KEWL 0NE N U 2 R JUST MY MINI0NZ.” N thay sedded “S0RRY” n D3rridina tolded Harry 2 g3t ov3r hizself alr3ddy I meen sh33sh. N mrs. Weezly mad3 li3k al tha teenag3rz wuz 2 young 2 h3ar anything imp0rtent cuz thayre kidz n sh3 mad3 Hary wear a pacifi3r. Derridina thunk it wuzzed kinda s3xy.

N Derridina mad3 mrs. Weezy turn femimnist s0 thay made tha guyz d0 all the w3rk cl33nin up doxi3 p00 (doxiez iz dum fairys) n stuff wile thay wached p0rn. N sh3 teeched her that grammer iz a ag3nt a partiarky wich iz wy language iz sexist s0 it sux. S33 R0binsonz commentz 0n translati0n frum spanich (1997).

N Hary n D3rridina had thair h33rin 4 underag3 magic but thay g0tted cleared aspite Fudg3 triein 2 f0rce peepl 2 v0te tha way h3 wanted cuz Dumbled0re helpt tham n cuz D3rradina knowed lotsa law cuz it wuz 1 a her hobbiez. But thare wuz this w0man wh00 wuz ugly n had todaly n0 fashin sens3 sh3 wored pink fluffy crap n I bet she w3ar diperz 2. She wuz Fudg3z henchw0man n I bet mistr3ss 2 n thay did discusting thingz with Fudges bowl3r hat lik3 333w. That’s wy it wuz lim3.

Wen it wuzzed tim3 2 g0 2 skewl S3rius wantsed 2 g0 2 tha H0gwartz trane ev3n th0 mrs. Weasel sed that wuz dum n C0unt Lam3r sed “WHY DOZNT HE D0 A DISALLUSI0NM3NT CHARM THAT TURNZ HIM IN2 A CHAM3L3ON THEN HE CAN G0 OUT” but mrs. Weazy sedded its stil 2 dang3rous n Sirious sed it wuz lam3. So whatever.

On tha tran3 2 Hogwartz thay meted a weirdo nam3d Luna wh0 bali3ved in weerd stuff like Gobsmack3d Plims0lls cuz her fath3r wr0te tha Quibler n Miney sedded it wuz crap.

“OH STOP MARGARINIZIN 0THER WORLD VI3WS” sed D3rridina scathingly. Then thay gotted to H0gwarts n stuff happ3ned agin.

Tha C0unt guy teeched a class ware h3 sh0wed th3m h0w erli3r dark wizerdz had take 0ver n had fr33 discustions ware Darydina cumpar3d anci3nt bad stuff 2 mod3rn bad stuf n s0 did Hary aft3r Derradina helpt him. N Malf0y sed “MUDBLOODZ SUX.”

“25 POINTZ FRUM SLYTH3RIN” sed tha c0unt.

“MY FATH3R RHUBARG RHUBARB” mutt3rd Malf0y.

“U DON’T GET POINTZ 4 HAVING A FATH3R IN MY CLAS” sed prof. N D3rridina wuz pist 0ff cuz li3k tha prof getted al tha witty linez.

D3rridina writ a scathing artickle ab0ut h0w she thought Bakhtin’s th3ory ab0ut exc3ss of seein wareby the 0ther actually helps cr3ate ur personality thru seein u frum tha outside n engaging in dialogu3 wuz a l0ad a BS.

N Umbridge wh00 wuz frum tha Mistry n mad3 long borin sp33ches ab0ut pr0gress n crap wuz tha defense aginst dark arts t3acher. Wut a laff. Sh3 wudnt l3t tham study r3al defence aginst dark artz but mad3 them d0 bask3tweavin instead n if any0ne cumplan3d thay gotted ataked by h3r cut3 fluffy tortur3 kitt3nz n Hary gotted datenti0n 4 sayin Valmart wuz back.

“CAREFUL I LEGG3D HER LEMON N IT TOLED M3 SHEZ GUNNA D0 S0METHIN NASTY 2 U N SH3Z HIDIN SOM3THIN.” Saed D3rridina.

“I B3T THA NU PR0F KNOWZ ILL ASK HIM” sed Hary.

“HE SUX” sedded D3rridina as thay went 2 Counts offis n sh3 jinxt him n turnt hiz hare pink but h3 just undid it n sed “UMBRIDG3 IZ G0NNA TORTUR3 U BY MAKIN U RITE WITH UR BL00D S0 U BETT3R GET SOME ESSENCE A BULCRAP ITL HELP. THAREZ PROBLY LOTZA BULCRAP IN H3R CLASS ANYWAY.”

“H3 ALWAYZ SEZ THA CL3VER STUF IM LI3K HARDLY A MAJ0R CARACTER ANYM0RE N IF IT WUZNT 4 M3 VOLDMART WUDDA KILT C3DRIC N PUT SMIL3 FAC3 LOGOS EVRYWERE N N0W IM A MIN0R L3AGUE I DON’T THINK S0 IM GUNNA WIN” sedd Derradina.

“WATEVER. DISMIST” sed tha C0unt. D3ridina seeth3d.

PART 2