D3RRIDINA DOEZ HOGWARTZ

Chapt3r like 5. THAT PROF GETS 3VEN MORE A JERK N THAREZ THIS TODAL B*** TEECH3R NAM3D UMBRAGE HOO GETS HERZ N D3RRIDINA BEETS D3ATHH HEATERS N OVIUSLY SH3Z THE H3RO WH0 DOEZ HARY THINK H3 IS I MEAN LIKE D000000000D

PART 2


Then tha C0unt tolded Dummledort “UMBRIGE IZ TORCHERING ST00DENTS.”

“I CANT D0 ANYTHIN THAT’S THA MISTRY” sed Dumbod00r n h3 ate m0re acid p0ps.

Derridina wunder3d h0w the pr0f knu all this stuff n s0 sh3 wented in2 hiz offise n found a bunch a bo00ks with “Hary Pooter” in tha title n t000k them n red th3m. But tha prof want3d them bak n h3 som3how know3d it wuz her n t00k lodes a points frum h3r n kept buggin her. Wut a strait wite mal3 captalist.

N like she d3cid3d 2 get rid a tha annoyin c0unt pr0f by havin lotza squick s3x pairinz s0 she wav3 her wand n say “SQUICKSEXULUS” a sp3l she inv3nted. N tha pl0t gotted rilly trangr3ssive n p3rverse n stuff n li3k qu33red tha narrativ3.

So Magonagal sed 2 Luna “IM LUSTIN 4 U LETS HAVE HOT S3X” n Dumbledork hoo had a thing 4 birdz did a thr33some with Fawk3s n Hedwig n h3 sez “L3TS HAVE A ORGY” n every0ne sed “KEWL” but Hedwig gotted angst n dout3d her s3xuality cuz sh3 did it wit a human. N H3rminy did it with Lup in w3rewolf f0rm n Nevil did it with a mimbet0nia plant n R0n did bondag3 with tha fat lady n Drac0 n Umbridg3 had h0t sik s3x n h3 call3d her “D0lly I l0ve it wen u maek m3 writ3 BIG BOOBZ on my hand” n Hagrud did it wit som3 flobb3twormz (eew). Tha C0unt prof sed “I DON’T LI3K TEEN AUTHORZ THEY RITE 2 MUCH GROSS S3X” n left. J3rk. N this b00k wuz bann3d wich appress3s pervz. Th3n everyone di3d a STD but Darridina brouted them back 2 li3f.

“WE SH0ULD PROBLY DO DISGUSTIN S3X” sed Derridina to Hairy.

“OH YEH I FORG0T” seded Hary fevr3ntly. S0 thay dooed sex.

R0n n Miney wudnt talk 2 eech other 4 s0me dum reason like R0n dint like Mineyz hare s0 thay swiched partn3rz n D3rridina wented 0ut with Ron n Miney with Hary but sh3 founded glass3s a spin 0ff. I meen turn 0ff wh0ah iz that fr3dian slip?

Tha count prof cam3 back n got Dumlbledore 2 d0 a sp3ll that pr0tecked the skewl frum disgustin s3x. Lam3.

Meenwile thay wund3red wut 2 d0 about the way Umbragez class3s suxed.

“HARY SHUD TEECH THA CLASS HE KN0WZ THIS STUFF” sed Miney.

“NO I SHUD I KNO ALL THIS FRUM MY TRAGIK PAST N CUZ IM PART M3RMADE PART CENTORE PART DEMENT0R PART HOUSE3LF N WUZ PROSECUT3D N D3RRIDA SEZ A G00D TRANSLATI0N ALWAYS ABUS3S WICH MEENZ I R00L S0 I SH0UD TEECH IT”  sed Derridina. “BUT W3’L LET HARRY D0 A INT3RVIEW WERE H3 SEZ WAT REALLY HAPP3N3D IF H3 SEX ER SEZ I ROOL.”

“OK” SED HARY.

N Ch0 wuz a bich n Umbrudge gotted mor3 n m0re pow3rful n kilt quidich n lif3 suxed.

Hary start3d havin weerd dreemz that sh0wed wut Woldemart wuz up 2 n like Haryz scar hurted wen ValdeMart feeled a str0ng em0tion like if he wach3d bondag3 porn 0r ated reely g00d ch3win gum 0r whatever. N arount Crismas h3 dreemed h3 wuz a snak3 n want3d 2 kil mr. Weas3l. D3rridina leg lemoned hiz dream n sed “THAT’S REEL W3 GOTTA T3LL DUMBODORE.” S0 thay did n Dundleb0re sented tham 2 Grimmauld Plac3 n sents D3rridina 2 sav3 mr. Weezy n tak3 hum 2 tha h0spittle cuz sh3 wuz tha onliest 1 pow3rfuk enuf.

S3rius wuz todally in tha Crismus spirit n stuff n gaved all tha gurlz exp3nsive jewell3ry n tha guys espensive nint3nd0 n thay play3d Crismuss pissin c0ntexts n he rooled cuz h3 had a tragic past n wuz hantsum s0 he has a passi0nate afare with Winky.

Th3n thay goed 2 tha h0spital n vizit3d mr. Weazley n Derridina h3aled everyone n gotted su3d by tha hospitel n sh3 cured N3vill’z par3nts n N3vill sed “I LUV U.”

Wen they come back S3rius wuznt kewl anym0re cuz he wuz bummed ab0ut bein stuk al0ne in tha h0use with Kreecher wh0 had n0 taste n sed “MAST3R SUX. MUDBLOODZ SUX. BRITN3Y SP33RZ SUX. DETH EETERZ ROOLZ. OP3RA ROOLZ.” Wat a l00ser. N Winky dump3d S3rius 4 a hipogrif.

‘IM B0RED” sed S3rious. “AGAIN.”

“TH3N WASH DISH3S” sed mrs. Weastley.

“ST0P BEIN A BICH” sedded D3rridina. N S3rius gived Hary a magic mirr0r s0 thay cud like talk ab0ut girlz n wh3ther tha redskinz wud win tha sup3rb0wl n stuff. N D3rridina give S3rius a thing s0 he can turn 2 l00k like what3ver s0 he can g3t out. ‘I MAED IT MYS3LF SH3 SED MOD3STLY.”

“I SH0W3D H3R H0W” sed tha annoyin Count. S0 D3rridina turnt him in2 bubbl3gum n chew3d him a bit.

Snape come n toled Harry“IM TEACHIN U OCCUPANCY WICH IZ H0W U STOP LEG LEM0NZ FRUM REEDIN UR MIND N U SUX L00ZER.”

“NO DUMBLED0RK SHUD D0 IT” sed tha C0unt n S3rious.

“I DIDN’T ASK 4 THA JOB HARY SUX N S0 D0 U” sed Snap3.

“IL D0 IT I KN0 ALL AB0UT LEG L3MONS N THA COUNT DIDN’T TEECH M3 IT I KN0WED IT B3F0RE H3 CAM3 BARGIN IN N ACTIN LIKE HEZ SMART” sed D3rradina. Tha C0unt l00k at h3r sarcastic.

Th3n thay all w3nted bak 2 H0gwartz n lif3 suxed 3ven m0re cuz Umbridge start3d firin teecherz sh3 didn’t lik3 n banning bubllegum n makin peepl liss3n 2 classicle music n sh3 made h3rself high unquiator wich iz like a j3rk h00 wont l3t peepl d0 stuf n imp0ses heg3mony n stuff n u shud reed wut F0ucault sez ab0ut p0wer structers cuz its todally h3r n she mad3 Malfoy n 0ther bad peepl j0in tha Inquasorial Quad s0 thay cud bully peepl. N sh3 turnt up in peeplz class3s n wuz bichy 2 tha oth3r teecherz.

‘UR DIVANATI0N SUX MY PET COCKR0ACH PR3DICKS STUF BETTER THEN U UR FIR3D” she sed 2 Trelawny who’z crystal ballz w3re kinda crap 2 be onest.

“UR DUM CUZ UR HAF GIENT N U SUX » she toled Hagred. N W0rd thunked my 3nglish iz French thatz dum cuz im way bet3r l00kin th3n Fl3ur.

“UR PROBLY BAD N I DON’T LI3K U” sh3 toled Snap3.

“U…” she toled Moganical but Meganigal s3d “SHUT UP IM TEECHIN NOT U U BICH.”

N 2 maek thingz w0rst tha count prof k33ped buggin D3rridina 2 return hiz boox. Sh3 tri3d explanin pr0perty iz theft n iz a w3stern c0ncept inv3nted by mal3 patriakx wh0 had slavez but h3 didn’t g3t it.

“UR EXP3LLED” the prof sed ta Derridina.

“NO U R” sed Umbridge. “U LET ST00DENTS DISCUST WALMART N THAT’S BAD THAYRE T00 Y0UNG N UR N0T SPOSED 2 TALK P0LITIX N U NEED 2 SAY THA MISTRY R00LZ S0 EFF 0FF.” 3ven tho she knew tha Count wuz sposed 2 be a g00dguy D3rridina had 2 laff cuz h3 daserves it 4 thinkin hez beter then m3.

M33nwile Hary gived a intervi3w it wuz pr3tty g00d tho Derridina wud hav3 bin b3tter. But sh3 wuz bizy teechin dafense of dark art n sh3 r00led n her patronous wuz like all that cuz it wuz coler coordinated n had p3rfeck hair n eerringz n it oviously sh0pped at Tiffanys n Und3r 21.

N thare wuz this gurl h00 wuz a sneek but derrydina leg lemon3d her n kn3w she wuz lam3 s0 sh3 wudnt l3t her tak3 tha class. But th3n Umbrag3 founded 0ut anyway n sendded tha queasatorial squad wich wuz m0stly malf0y aft3r them n thay took them 2 Dumpl3dorts offis. N Fuge tha lozer mist3r wuz thare.

“THAY DID BAD STUF” sedded Umbridge.

“I DID IT N U SUX FUGE N I DON’T LIK3 BACH ANYWAY I PR3FER THA B333CHBOYZ” sed Dumberd0lt.

“GET THAM” sed Fudg3.

“YEAH RITE SUCK3R” sedded Dammerdore n h3 runned 0ff with Fawk3s tha phoenix. Probly 2 d0 s0methin squick.

Th3n Dumbridge wuz p0werful ecept sh3 wuznt cuz tha st00dents gotted stood3nt power wich meenz thay w3re s0 kewl Umbrige cudnt uze h3r mistry contactz 2 k33p tham und3r c0ntrole n tha teecherz made li3k thay cudnt st0p tha stood3nts from spray prayin UMBRIGE IZ DUM N SUX on h3r offis d00r. N fred n G3org3 made fireworks say POO n stuff wich iz brillient like syst3mic studies a translati0n lik3 R0bsinon n L3febvre wh0 mov3 away frum evaluati0n n in2 s0cial appr0aches that don’t n0rmatize wich iz lam3. I bet Umbrage n0rmatized a lot.

Meganical guv car33r avice n sed MAYB3 Hary cud mak3 a aur0r if h3 work3d on it n Umbridg3 sed NO WAY HE SUX N WE DON’T LIK3 HIM n Meganigal sed “THA MISTRY IZ LAMERZ S0 G0 JUMP IN A LAKE GIRL”. N th3n sh3 toled Derridina sh3 wuz so brilient sh3 cud b3 anythng n maybe a c0mbo a fash0n mod3l n mister a magic wud b3 best. N Derridina sed “YEH SOUNDZ KEWL. EEZY 2.”

Durin tha OWL t3sts ware D3rridina got 0utstandin in 3vrythin n mad3 tha examinerz faint with h3r wizdum Hagrud gotted ataked by Umbrige’z g00nz n thay stunn3d Macdonigal. Th3n Min3y lured Umbridg3 in2 tha f0rest ware tha centorez gots P0ed at h3r f0r callin them subhuman scum wh0ze fashi0n stat3m3ntz were lik3 todally n0t mistry appr0ved s0 thay beeted h3r up.

Sinc3 Magonagald wuz kn0cked out n Umbrage gotted beated up by c3ntorez thay didn’t hav3 a h3dmistress so thay mak3d Derridina headmattress cuz she wuz the only p3rson wh0 wuz good enuf.

Durin this t0dally borin n pre-structuralist hist0ry a magic test Hary had a dr33m ware Serius gotted ataked n sed “WE GOTSTAS SAVE SERIOUS” n Miney sed “WUT IF ITS JUST A DREEM OR VALMORT IZ F00LIN U.”

N D3rridina seded “IM GONNA CH3CK THA B00K I T00KED FRUM THA COUNT” wich iz kewl cuz it metas narativ3 n sh3 did n it sed S3rius wuz OK n that h3 guvved Hairy a mirr0r 2 talk 2 him s0 sh3 toled him that n thay talk3d 2 Sirius n h3 wuz fin3 but b0red.

“WY D0NT U VIZIT MY BR0THEL?” segested D3rridina. “THO IT’S A MUGGL3 BR0THEL S0 DON’T KNO IF U LIKE IT.”

“KEWL IM BOR3D A WIZERD BR0THELZ” sed Sirious. N off h3 wented.

Thay went 0n reedin n cam3 2 tha bit ware tha deth eeterz got catch3d.

“THAT’S KINDA KEWL I WANNA NAB THA DETH 3ATERZ” sed Harry.

Derridina argu3d with Hary ab0ut hoo sh0uld defeat tha deth 33terz singl3 hand3d. “I SHUD D0 IT” sh3 sed. Rightly s0.

“IM SICK A U GETTING 2 D0 ALL TH3 KEWL STUF” sedded Hairy.

‘R U KIDDIN THAT FAK3 FORIN PR0F WIT DA BAD ACENT DONED M0ST EVRYTHING IN THIS CHAPTER” sedded D3rridina. “N L00K AT H0W U D0 IN THA COUNTS B00K. I DON’T WANNA BE MEEN BUT THA D3ATH EETERZ WHUP UR A** N THA 0RDER RESCU3Z U N SERIUS GETS KILT. THAT’S DUM. U SHUD L3T ME D0 IT CUZ I CAN D0 IT N U CANT. S0RRY DOOD.”

“I WANNA B3 THA H3R0!”  y3lled Hary. “N BTW IM GONNA HAVE S3X WIT MINEY WEN WE GETS BACK.”

“FIEN BUT IF U GET CREMAT3D DON’T CUM CRYIN 2 M3” sed Derridina.

So thay goed 2 tha mistry n tha d3th eeterz surr0unded tham n sed “UR DUM P0TTER CUZ W3 TRICKED U IN2 COMIN H3RE SERIUS AINT HERE.”

“WE KNO H3 IZNT LOZERZ WE CAM3 HERE 2 GET U I MEEN DUH” sed Darradina. N th3n she jinx3d th3m so they got stucked in bubbl3 gum.

“KEWL” sed Harry. Then h3 phoned Dumb0dort on hiz cellph0ne n sed yo. N Dumbl3dore came n sed “KEWL” n Waldamart cam3 n sed “YO D00DZ IM BAD” n Dumbledork sed “BUG OFF” n h3 did but 1st tha Fudge mister saw hum n sed “WHOAH I GESS I WUZ R0NG” n Derridina s3d “NO DUH”. N Volde-Mart leaved n Dumbl3dore sed “THINGZ R GUNNA GET RUFF D00DZ” n D3rridina sed “NO SH*T.”

N thay drived Umbrige outa Hogwars by playin Emin3m.

Oh n Dumb3dort toled th3m tha proph3cy n it sed “DERRIDINA DEF3ATS WALMART CUZ SHEZ KEWL N HARY CAN H3LP CUZ HEZ KINDA KEWL BUT ALL THA PR0PHECYS R REELY AB0UT D3RRIDINA.” N D3rridina wuz nic3 2 Hary n sed shed shar3.

Chapter 6