The I Hate Tenors Club
I think this post by Jenn, or
Ginevra, illuminates the essence of
the I Hate Tenors Club with admirable clarity, as
well as giving an overview of
its history. I am also posting part of the opera
here.
Not the whole thing, since it runs
to 77 pages and would probably
kill this site, to the intense
grief of the untold millions who are
thronging to it.
Date:
Author: Jennifer Anderson
Subject: I figured I'd get thrown
out of SR if I started a new
thread...
...especially a brand new thread
about this.
A little clarification about
the IHTC so that there are no more
assumptive mistakes. So many people
have been accepted into the
club, but many of them weren't even
around when it started, and
therefore do not know the true
calling of the IHTC.
**************
after it is noted that Jennifer's
opera has a baritone and a mezzo
in the lead and Don O noted that
computers are tenors and
consequently evil. Don O agrees to
be a member and establishes BLAH,
the Baritone Liberation Army of
Hate.
post by yours truly. I'll outline
the original ideas so that you
don't have to go searching.
We do not suggest giving up tenors
altogether or going out of one's
way to make a tenor's life utterly
miserable.
We do not discriminate against
wannabe tenors; the relatives,
friends, or lovers of tenors; or
small but heroically strong cartoon
mice.
We offer therapy programs for those
with addictions and we are
ALWAYS here to support each other
when a fellow member slips up.
We support the calling of other
organizations that recognize the
ideals of our group (of which there
is a long list, all with
wonderful acronyms).
We have tenors voodoo dolls
available for order, and there are still
a few Ben-Bears still in stock.
Other merchandise includes CD
collections of tenors cracking
their high Cs.
We endorse every opera
where a tenor is seen in an unfavorable
light, although we favor those
operas where tenors die... especially
at the hands of the baritone. Our
favorite opera is Don Giovanni.
It is completely acceptable to
demean even the tenors we "love,"
such as the Prima Donna's personal
favorite, di Stefano. The uglier
the story, the better.
**************
There are the basics. I'm not in
the mood to read through 53 pages
of posts right now.
SO GET IT RIGHT!!
~Ginevra d'Andersona, Prima Donna d'IHTC
P.S. And I
am instigating new membership rules. To become a member,
please submit an essay titled
"Why I Hate Tenors and Should Be
Allowed to Join the IHTC,"
which must be approved by the members of
the Officers' Club before you are
accepted (i.e. me, Don O, and
Sheltie if he's around).
Postscript by Don Operatico: Subgroups
of the IHTC include BASS (Bass Armed Service Section), BLAH (Baritone
Liberation Army of Hate), MAT (Mezzo Army of Terror), SCAT (Soprano and
Coloratura Army of Terror), TITFORTAT (Tenor Insurgent Terror Force for
Organised Resistance of Tenors Against Tenors).
Membership of this last brings with it a special membership plan whereby
tenors can be turned into baritones.
Together, all these forces make up CANIT (Conjoint Army for the National
Insurgency against Tenors). Non-military
divisions include TLA (Tenor Lovers Anonymous), which offers a 12-step
program to overcoming tenor temptation; and CTC
(Centre for Tenor Control), which
distributes anti-tenor propaganda, commissions operas without
tenor parts, and is
a charitable organisation that will find jobs for all ex-tenors.
BLAH’s secret weapon is the voice of
Leonard Warren, combined with Dietrich Fischer-Dieskau, plus a bit of Prey and
Thomas Hampson, and a smidgeon of Eberhard Waechter.
Other members, besides those mentioned
above, include: Rosina (soprano), Onegin (baritone), Steve Pence (bass), Sarah
N. Schallern (mezzo?), Dave (bass; founder of TLA and CTC). There are also two Celestial Voices: Beverly
Sperry and Vicente Serra.
Other favourite operas: I
Puritani,
Torquato Tasso (by Donizetti), Il tabarro, Salome, Carmen (but only if
it’s rewritten so Carmen kills Don Josgoohah and then runs off to
Monaco with
Escamillo), Werther (in the tenor version, the title character is
a
self-absorbed prig; in the baritone version, a noble, sensitive soul
betrayed
by a cruel world).
Award offered: GOTCHA (Glorious
Opposition to Tenor hi-C Heroism Award).
Horrible things happen to IHTC members
who fall off the bandwagon; so beware!
One was sentenced to hear Pavarotti sing “
Our greatest achievement may be the
T-chip, which transposes all tenor voices on recordings either to baritone, or
to bass.
Rodger Alexander comments: “You know, as a tenor, I think I find this thread very offensive. I’ll know for sure as soon as my coach reads all the postings to me.”