Vii. elves are poncy gits
They arrived in Keebleran,
the land
of the Elves. Everything was
almost too well decorated, if you
like pink. The trees looked as
if they were plastic, as most
of
them probably were. The Elves
were all incredibly poncy with
long
hair and perfume and they all
spoke with snobby Brit
accents.
Everything they did, they did with
an air.
"What the shades are we doing
here?" asked Fred.
"You're so clueless,"
replied Bozo. "These guys have mega hitpoints
and stuff, and besides, they're
Elves. As in Elvish. And Elven.
They're probably all made in some
Third-World
country."
"Silence," said the Druid.
"I will do all the explaining stuff,
prole!"
Bozo shrugged. The company was
approached by Elvish guards, etc.,
but we'll skip all that and go
straight to the bit where they meet
the King.
"This is Alfantrol Bombadil,
King of the Elves," said Waffelon.
Everyone bowed, even Bozo, though
he
could not help remarking, "I
should have known Your Majesty's
name would be a bad imitation of
Tolkien."
"Whatever," said the King.
"I gueth it'th time for the Counthil."
"Yes, let's get it over
with," said Fred. "Elves s*ck."
So they held the Council. In
attendance were the King, the KIng's
son and daughter, the Druid,
the
Barf, the bluff hearty guy, the
two no-hope protagonists, and some
obnoxious warrior-guy.
"Thith ith my thon
Anathin," thed the King, "and thith ith my
daughter Ekthedrin. And thith
obnoxiouth guy ith a great warrior,
Bombador Schmoh."
"I should be King of the main
mortal country, not Gondor, what was
it, oh yeah, Traskadat," said the
obnoxious guy.
"Fred's the rightful ruler," said
the Druid. "He has
Pipsqueak's
sword."
"Maybe I'll kill him or
something," said the obnoxious guy.
"Don't worry," said Bozo to Fred.
"He won't. In fact, he'll
probably die. The only drag is
that that means Bluff probably lives."
"Ho, thou startest to bore me,
friend," said Bluff. Bozo
shrugged.
Fred paid little attention to
this, for he was intent upon Excedrin's
cleavage. Her bosom was easily the
largest portion of her anatomy,
but was pretty obviously fake. She
looked tough and mean. And
unusually for an Elf, she didn't
lisp.
"These people are joining our
party," said the Druid.
"Except the
King, that is."
"More expendable extras," said
Bozo. "Let's get with
it."
"I hate these Elves, BTW," said
Dork. In case you forgot, he's
the
Barf. "Actually, I hate everyone."
"Like we care, lother," said
Anacin.
"The Counthil'th over," said the
King. "Now everyone kindly thod off."
That night, Fred and Bozo talked a
bit. Fortunately not too much.
"I don't lust after Lovelinda
anymore," said Fred. "Now I
lust after
Excedrin."
"You won't get her," said Bozo.
"It would be too
symmetrical, since
I'm an Elf. But of course I don't
know that yet."
"I told you to stop being meta,"
hissed Waffelon. "Do not
flout me!"
"YRAI," muttered Bozo.
"Shut up, I hate this smart talk,
I just want to kill someone,"
said
Bombador.
Fred walked over to Excedrin's
bed. "I loveth thou," he said.
Excedrin kicked him ten miles
away, before yelling after him, "I
don't associate with your sort."
"There are way too many female
characters," thought Bozo. "I
bet one
of them dies or something."