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I, Bandalf the Beige, am writing this statement in a moment of lucidity so
that the truth about certain recent events may be known.
It all began when I looked in at the home of a friend of mine,
Arbogast the Azure, to discuss certain matters pertaining to our Order.
Arbogast was in high spirits, having recently acquired a fine, rare
cockatoo from Far Harad. Our deliberations over, I duly admired the bird,
which had a brilliant red and blue plumage, and stroked its feathers.
Unfortunately, the bird reacted in a quite vicious manner and bit me.
Arbogast kindly offered me one of his monogrammed handkerchiefs to tie up
the remarkably nasty flesh wound with, and a little later I took my leave.
Arbogast remained seated, but called out after me to switch off the light
in the hall, which I did.
It had been my intention to return home on foot, but after walking
for a while I remembered that I was expected to hold a speech at the
Wizards' Club that evening and stopped an orc on a bicycle to inquire
about the time. The orc snarled that it was half past five and then
bicycled on. Since I was due at the club at six o'clock, I began to worry
that I would not get there in time; but after a while, I had the good
fortune to find an eagle and flagged it down. It carried me to the club,
and I entered its premises at six o'clock sharp. After having shared a
tankard of ale with the club's chairman, Orriman the Off-white, I gave my
speech, which was greeted with enthusiastic applause. I spent some time
afterwards chatting with members of the audience and then departed for
home. No eagle was in sight, so I decided to walk. I knew that my dinner
would be served at eight on the dot, and after a while I began to worry
that I'd be late for it, knowing how much it annoyed my cook, Mrs Hagwort,
when I did not come home in time for my meals. Fortunately, another orc
happened to bicycle past and, in answer to my inquiry, growled that it was
7:35. This rather dismayed me, but a brisk walk brought me home, a bit
breathless I must admit, just before dinner time. After the meal, I spent
some time reading my grimoire before retiring to bed.
After some hours of blissful sleep, I was awoken quite early by a
loud crash from my study. I hastily donned my dressing gown and hurried
there. In the study, I found that a particularly fine porcelain vase had
been knocked off the table and lay in ruins beside it. Staring down at the
sad remains was a very unkempt hobbit in a dirty overcoat and with matted
hair on his feet.
"What on earth are you doing here?" I demanded angrily.
The hobbit bowed deeply, spread his hands and said: "Gee,
sir, I'm real sorry to disturb you. I tried not to wake you up. I was just
looking at this vase. Say, that's a fine piece of work, isn't it?"
"It was before you broke it", I answered.
"Yes, sir, and I really am so sorry for it. I was just taking
a closer look at, it you see, and then it must have slipped from my hands.
I'm so sorry, my boss will give me hell if he hears about it..."
"Yes, yes. Right now I am more interested in why you are
here."
The hobbit, however, had wandered over to my book case and was
admiring it. "Say, that's an awful lot of books you have, sir.
Have you read them all? You know, my wife, she read a book once. It was by
some Russian guy and was called Pork and Beans."
"I suppose you mean War and Peace."
"Say, that's right sir!" said the hobbit and lifted his
hand in a gesture of gratitude. He then proceeded to light a ropy,
stinking cigar without bothering to ask my permission first. "You
know, my brother-in-law reads a lot. He's got all those condensed novels
from the Reader's Digest."
"That's very nice, but you still haven't told me who the
Sauron you are and what you are doing in my study!"
"Oh, I'm sorry sir; I completely forgot." Again, the
submissive, apologetic gesture, which now wafted an eye-watering whiff of
cigar smoke my way. "I'm Lieutenant Bumbo Columbo from the homicide
squad."
"All right, Lieutenant Columbo, and what are you doing in my
home?"
"I'm here because I have some sad news to tell. I hate
bringing bad news. Say, did I ever tell you about the time my wife's uncle
Pete was taken ill -"
"WHY ARE YOU HERE?"
"Sir, I'm afraid your colleague, Arbogast the Azure, has been
murdered."
"Murdered?" I was at a loss for words. Columbo
comfortingly patted my thigh, that being the highest part of my anatomy he
could reach.
"Yes, I understand it must come as a horrible shock to you,
sir, you being colleagues and all." He pulled out several crumpled
pieces of paper from his pocket until he found one without any writing on
it and then started to pat his disgraceful coat, obviously searching for a
pen. To put an end to the show, I handed him a pen from the table.
"Oh! Thank you so much, sir. Now, I just have a couple of
questions for you, and then I'll leave you alone."
"Yes, yes", I answered wearily. "But do you mind if
I have some breakfast while you ask them? I very much need a cup of
coffee."
"Of course! I can't do anything myself before I've had my
morning coffee, sir. You know, my wife always says..."
I marched out into the kitchen and started to brew some coffee. I
could hear Columbo rummage about in my study, and two crashes announced
that he had broken more of my possessions, but all I could think of was
that I needed coffee - lots of it. When I had finally got the coffee
ready, boiled an egg, buttered some toast and sliced some ham, Columbo
came sauntering out into the kitchen, still emitting clouds of acrid
smoke.
"Gee, that looks good, sir! I haven't had any breakfast
either; I was called out early for this. Do you mind if I join you?"
Without waiting for my reply, he pulled an egg out of his pocket and
tapped it on my table to break the top. Wordlessly, I handed him a spoon.
He proceeded to wolf down the contents of the egg, which was clearly
softboiled and cold. It turned my stomach. I pushed my egg in its cup over
to him.
"Here, have mine. I don't feel very hungry."
"Gee, sir, are you really sure?" I was too busy imbibing
my third cup of strong coffee to reply, but Columbo happily prattled on.
"Say, that's some nice-looking toast you have here -"
"Here, have some."
"Oh, sir, you really are too kind." Columbo started to
chew on the slice of toast but then stopped to say: "You know, I'm
real sorry to bother you like this, but there are some questions I must
ask you. It's my job, I just can't help it. But I can come back later to
ask them if this is inconvenient to you."
"No, that's all right! Ask them now, please. I beg you."
"All right, sir! If you are quite sure..." Again, he
started to rummage in the pockets of his unspeakable coat until he found a
battered notebook. He started to leaf through it, stopping at one point to
stare at a loose piece of paper and exclaim: "Say, that's the receipt
for the vacuum cleaner my wife asked me to collect from the repair shop.
She's been nagging me about it for days..."
I emptied my cup and refilled it. The world once more began to make
sense, though of a horrible kind. This creature was real, not something in
a nightmare, and he was sitting at my kitchen desk devouring my breakfast.
"Oh, here it is!" Columbo squinted at a page. "Sir,
at what time did you come to Mr Arbogast's home?"
"At four on the dot."
"Gee, sir, I'm so impressed you know the time so exactly. Now
me, I can never remember -"
"I looked at the clock in the hall when I came in.
Furthermore, Arbogast told me that he had just finished listening to 'The
Bird Lovers' Hour', and that one is on every day at the same time."
"Say, that's right!" A new cloud of smoke billowed my
way. He squinted at his writing again. "We know that Mr Arbogast was
killed between a quarter to six and seven thirty. You know, I just have to
ask you these questions, sir; I'm sorry but it's my job. At what time did
you leave him?"
"At half past five."
"Oh my, sir, you've really got tab on when everything happens!
How do you know that so exactly?"
"I stopped an orc and asked him." I proceeded to detail
the rest of my movements that day, with times, for him. He nodded
repeatedly and scribbled a little now and then. Finally he rose, closed
his notebook and said:
"Well sir, I really am grateful to you for your trouble. Now
I'll leave you alone with your breakfast." Quickly, he snatched up my
last slice of ham, put it between two pieces of toast and thrust the loot
into his pocket. He then rushed towards the door, leaving me to stare at
the small, burned slice of bread that was all that remained of my
breakfast.
In the doorway, he checked himself and swung around. "Oh, just
one more thing! Why did you ask an orc about the time? They are kind of
unreliable, aren't they?"
"He was the only person in sight", I replied shortly.
He noted that down while once more explaining how grateful he was,
and how ashamed he was to bother me.
Two hours later, I had recovered enough to go to the Wizards'
Laboratory; I had undertaken to demonstrate to some young
wizards-in-training how one manufactured squibs, crackers, barkarappers,
sparklers, torches, dwarf-candles, elf-fountains, goblin-barkers and
thunder-claps. There is no denying that producing fireworks is a nice way
to augment the meagre income we wizards have. I was just mixing together
the various powders that go into a barkarapper when I became aware of
something that stopped me cold. In the midst of the students sat the
hobbit detective Columbo, staring at me while smoking his inevitable
cigar.
I marched over to him and said: "Columbo, put out that cigar
at once! This lab is full of explosives."
He started his usual round of excuses while trying to sneak his
still burning cigar into a pocket, but I tore it from him, threw it on the
floor and stamped on it. He looked astonished, spread his arms and said:
"Sir, I'm sorry if I have offended you. I've just got one more
question to ask!"
"Well, that will have to wait. I'm in the middle of a
demonstration", I snarled.
He stared at me with wide, wondering eyes as I strode back to the
lectern and continued my demonstration. However, the appearance of Columbo
had disconcerted me, and I fumbled the rest of the lesson rather
badly. In fact, I inadvertently caused an explosion which set fire to my
beard.
Most of the students were kind enough not to laugh. At last, the
demonstration was finished and I limped off, smelling strongly of singed
hair.
Columbo was waiting outside. I knew he would be and just sighed.
"What is it now, Columbo?"
"You know, sir, that was a nasty accident you had. Are you
sure you are all right? My questions can wait until later if -"
"WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT. TO. KNOW?"
"Well, you know, your colleague Mr Arbogast, he was stabbed to
death."
"I know."
"You do, sir? Is that why you didn't ask me about how he died
this morning?"
"No, I didn't ask about it because I was only half
awake."
"But in that case, how did you find out that he was stabbed to
death?"
"I learned it after you left. It was on the news."
"You listen to the news, sir? Oh, that explains it." He
lifted his arm over his head. "I'm sorry I asked. But you know, sir,
there's another thing I can't help wondering about."
"What's that?"
"Why, sir, you have a bandage on your finger, as if you cut
yourself, like on a stabbing knife or something."
"His parrot bit me", I said wearily.
"Oh, my! Bit you, did it? Tsk, tsk. Do you mind if I look at
the bite? I know a bit about parrots, my brother-in-law has one."
I unwound the handkerchief and held up my finger. However, the
finger didn't seem to interest him. Instead, he stared at the
handkerchief.
"Wow, that has Mr Arbogast's monogram on it."
"That's because it belonged to Arbogast."
"It did? And he gave it to you?"
"He gave it to me to staunch the blood with."
"Oh, that explains it. I just wondered, sir, you know, it's my
job to ask these questions. Thank you very much, sir, and I hope your
beard will grow out again soon."
"Thank you."
He walked away from me, stopped, smacked his brow and turned
around.
"Oh, just one more thing! That second guy you asked for the
time, he was an orc too, wasn't he?"
"Yes."
"Quite a coincidence, isn't it? There are no orcs living in
this part of the country. Do you have any theory about how you would meet
two bicycling orcs on the same day?"
"Perhaps they both participated in an orkish bicycle
race." I spoke completely at random, just to get rid of him, but he
seemed quite impressed. He made a great show of noting it down.
"That's great, sir, I guess that accounts for it. Well, I'll
leave you alone now so you can go home and get some rest."
"I'm afraid I won't be able to. I'm going to the wedding
reception for Faramir and Éowyn."
"Faramir? Say, isn't that the guy who leads those history
programmes on TV? I haven't seen them, but my wife always does."
"That's the one. He also happens to be Hereditary Steward to
King Elessar and Prince of Ithilien."
Columbo let out a respectful whistle. "That sounds like some
hotshot guy."
"He is. Good day."
"Sir, what do you mean by 'Good day'? Do you wish me a good
day, or do you mean that it's a good day whether I want it or not, or that
you feel good this day, or that it is a day to be good on?"
I just muttered something, hardly knowing what I said, and stumbled
off.
At the reception, I was talking to some people I had not
encountered for a long time when I beheld a dread spectacle. It was
Columbo, staring hungrily at the buffet. I sighed, excused myself to my
friends and went over to him.
"Yes, Columbo?"
"Gee, that food really looks good! What is that?" He
pointed at one dish.
"That's curried chicken."
"Oh, wow. And that?"
"That's Hungarian goulash."
"Oh, my, it sure looks delicious."
"It is." Suddenly, irrationally, I took pity on him.
Besides, he was drooling on my shoes. "Why don't you help yourself to
some? It's free for anyone."
"It is? It really is? For me too?"
"Certainly." To put an end to the exchange, I grabbed a
dish, loaded it with delicacies and handed it to him with a knife, a fork
and a napkin. He started to stuff it into his face as if he had never seen
food before. I
couldn't help but wonder whether that famous wife of his ever gave him
anything to eat at home.
"So what do you want to know this time, Columbo?"
His mouth was so full of food that he couldn't reply. He waved his
fork apologetically, nearly stabbing me in the groin. I hastily
stepped backwards.
Still chewing, Columbo managed to get out: "There's just this
little thing that bothers me." He put down his plate and clutched his
brow with both hands as if to keep it from exploding. "I can't help
wondering about Mr Arbogast . Now, he was real smart and learned, wasn't
he?"
"Yes, at the top of our profession."
"And he knew a lot about birds, didn't he?"
"It was his specialty."
"Yeah, so what I wonder is..." Columbo hastily swallowed
three forkfuls of food "...why didn't he warn you that that bird was
dangerous and might bite you?"
"I don't know."
"See, that's what doesn't make any sense to me. Why didn't he
warn you about it?"
"Perhaps he didn't know that the cockatoo was
aggressive."
"But, sir, you said he was an expert on birds."
"He was."
"So how could he be ignorant of that?"
"Well, that's your job to find out. You are the
policeman."
For some reason, my reply made him tremendously satisfied. He gave
me a wide, knowing grin while his eyes narrowed.
"Yeah, that's right, sir. That's my job to find out." He
solemnly shook my hand. "Thank you so much!"
"Don't mention it."
"I won't bother you any more now." He emptied the remains
on his plate into his pocket, added some Swedish meatballs from a nearby
dish and scurried out. I drew a deep breath of relief. Then he came back
in.
"Oh, just one more thing. Sir, could you meet me at Arbogast's
house later today? There is something you could help me with."
I emitted a loud groan which startled several reception guests into
dropping their plates. I could see Éowyn glare at me and decided that I
had probably outstayed my welcome.
"Let's go", I said and grabbed Columbo's arm. "Let's
get it over with."
Refusing to listen to his protestations that it could wait, I
dragged him out, whistled up an eagle and proceeded to Arbogast's house. I
practically pushed him inside. We came to a stop in the hall.
"Well, what is it?" I demanded.
"You know, sir, I don't really understand fancy equipment.
Anything technical is a mystery to me. I can hardly comb my own feet, in
fact." His feet bore witness to that. He pointed at the light switch
beside the front door. "What's that thing, for example?"
"That's a light switch."
"A light switch?"
"Yes, you switch the light off and on with it." I
demonstrated it to him, and he marvelled aloud at length, pointing out no
less than three times that a light switch really was needed in that dusky
hall. Notwithstanding that he was quite right, the repeated assertion made
me want to scream. Then he said:
"Sir, when you left, did Mr Arbogast follow you to the
door?"
"No, he remained seated. He always was a bit lazy."
"Gee, sir, that was inconsiderate of him to let you find your
way out through that dark hall."
"It wasn't dark. The light was on."
"And you switched it off?"
"Yes."
"Wasn't that kind of hard on Mr Arbogast? What if he had
wanted to go out later? It's the only light switch in the hall, and it's
just beside the front door."
"Well, he told me to switch the light off."
"He did?" Again the knowing look. Columbo pulled out his
usual stack of bescribbled papers and made a note. Then he looked at me
and said: "That will be all, sir. Thank you so much. You've been very
helpful."
"Well, there is one thing I want to ask you. Do you suspect
me of murdering my friend Arbogast?"
"Well, you see, sir, there is this thing... both you and Mr
Arbogast were entrants for next week's Wizard of the Year Contest, weren't
you?"
"Yes."
"And correct me if I am wrong, but someone told me that you
would have been a shoo-in to win if it hadn't been for Mr Arbogast, but
that he was the big favourite."
"He and his confounded bird tricks, yes. People don't
appreciate all the work that goes into producing really good
fireworks."
"Yeah, I see. That must be hard on you, to know that you'd be
sure to win if it wasn't for Mr Arbogast. So it was kind of lucky for you
that he was murdered, wasn't it?"
"Look, I didn't kill him! And I have an alibi."
"Yeah, you have. You have an alibi from two orcs. Do you know
many orcs, sir?"
"I have met a few in the line of business, yes."
"Really? That's very interesting, sir." He made a note.
As I was leaving the house, he called out: "Oh, just one more
thing."
I stopped, but it felt as if the whole world was spinning around
me.
"Yes?"
"Sir, I may have to ask you some questions about Mr Arbogast's
personal life later on. Will you be at home this evening.?"
"No. I have a dinner appointment with the Lady Galadriel at El
Rondo's."
"The Lady Galadriel! Gee, I've seen her on the news. She's a
real pretty lady, and smart too."
"Yes, she is. Look, Columbo, I really want you to stop
harassing me! I'll complain to your superiors if this goes on."
He held up his hand, as if swearing an oath. "Say no more. I
just need to find out a couple of more things, and then I'll never bother
you again."
I hurried off with my hands over my ears. I had an impression of
him calling out something about just one more thing, but I pretended not
to hear.
He didn't turn up at El Rondo's until Galadriel and I had started on the
main course. Not that that had me fooled; I knew all along what to expect.
And there he was, his scruffy coat and person darkening our table.
"I'm real sorry to bother you, sir, but there's one more
thing..." He stopped and looked at our food like a starving dog.
Galadriel gave him a friendly smile and said: "How do you do?
I am Galadriel daughter of Finarfin son of Finwë of the Noldor."
Columbo moved his reeking cigar to his left hand, shook hands with
Galadriel and said: "And I am Bumbo son of Bimbo son of Dumbo. We've
all been Lieutenants at the homicide squad in our time. It's a real
pleasure to meet you, ma'am." He began to stare at our food again.
Galadriel, bless her kind heart, said: "You look hungry. Why
don't you pull up a chair and join us?"
"Gee, ma'am, I can't..."
I interrupted him, shouting to a waiter: "Fetch a plate for
Lieutenant Columbo!" The waiter stared at me, but then he bowed and
followed my instructions.
When Columbo had expressed his gratitude two times through the food
he was masticating, I asked: "Please, Columbo, what is it now? If you
have come to arrest me, just get it over with."
Columbo stopped chewing and stared at me with wide open eyes.
"Arrest you, sir? Why, definitely not. That's what I came here to
tell you, that you are not a suspect any more."
"I'm not?"
"No, we arrested Mr Arbogast's butler half an hour ago. It
seems Arbogast seduced his butler's aunt many years ago, so he took the job as his
butler only to get an opportunity to murder him without any
witnesses."
I slowly exhaled. "Is this the truth, Columbo?"
"On my word of honour, sir!" said Columbo earnestly.
"But, you know, sir, we would have been able to solve this murder
much sooner if you hadn't impeded the investigation."
"Impeded it? I?"
"Yes, sir. You never told me Mr Arbogast had a butler. If you
had, I would have realized at once that it was the butler who did
it."
That was the moment when my sanity finally snapped. I got my fingers
around Columbo's throat and started to strangle him. As if from a
distance, I heard Galadriel shout: "Bandalf, stop it!" and
felt her hands on me, but it took five strong men to haul me away from my
victim. I heard him wheeze and cough behind me and realized that I had
failed.
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