THE TRUE TALE OF FRODO AND THE RING

Out of the tumult of those fractious times, this true relation of events has come down to me: Bilbo Baggins' brother Boffo seduced Primula Brandybuck, the sister of the Buckland stonemason Adolphus Brandybuck, and was killed by him. Years later, Primula meets Gandalf, a mysterious stranger, and falls in love with him. Bilbo's nephew Frodo, who is Primula's godson and expects to inherit her, disapproves of the liaison and decides to travel to the Royal Archives in Rivendell to find out the truth about Gandalf's sinister past. In order to pay his way, he steals a valuable ring from Gandalf with the intention of pawning it in Bree, a notorious City of Thieves. When Gandalf learns of this, he sends the constabulary, the so-called Black Riders, after Frodo, his servant Sam and his two friends Mobyduc and Piggin. 
  Frodo and his friends escape the Black Riders. They get lost in a forest, but are rescued by Tom Armadillo, a New Age hippie type who mostly subsists on exotic-looking mushrooms and lives in a tumbledown gamekeeper's cottage at the outskirts of the forest with a buxom blonde called Goldilocks. He invites them all to spend the night in his house. During the night, Tom's mushroom-induced snores, giggles and occasional howls drives his mistress, Goldilocks, into Frodo's bed and into his arms. The next morning, Frodo and his friends sneak out of the house while their host and hostess are still asleep.
  In Bree, at the infamous gambling-house and pawnshop "The Dancing Donkey", which is run by the villainous "Burpy" Butterbur, Frodo meets a mysterious stranger, "Schnyder", who reveals to Frodo that Sam actually is Rosie Cottonwood, a comely country lass who is secretly in love with Frodo and has joined his expedition to be near him. Touched by Rosie's unfailing love, Frodo proposes to her and puts the ring on her finger as a sign of their betrothal. At his action, Gandalf appears with a thunderclap and declares that Rosie is his illegitimate daughter with Goldilocks. He blesses the union between Frodo and his daughter and clasps Frodo into his arms. They all ride to Rivendell, but during the wedding ceremony, the door is pushed open by Goldilocks, who denounces Frodo and tells everybody what has passed between them. She also reveals that she is Mobyduc's long-lost aunt. Rosie bursts into tears, flings the ring back to Frodo and flees the house; Frodo tries to follow her, but is hindered by Mobyduc, who is incensed by Frodo's perfidy and insists on fighting a duel with him. In the duel, Frodo kills Mobyduc. This tragic murder of a friend and kinsman drives him temporarily sane, and accordingly he kills Piggin too while he's at it. He then flees Rivendell, pursued by the Black Riders, who have by now caught up with him, as well as by Gandalf and Schnyder.
  In the wilderness, Frodo meets another mysterious stranger called Boromir. Boromir is looking for Rivendell. Frodo, who likes the thought of a strong and war-crafty travelling companion, convinces Boromir that Rivendell actually is far to the east and thus gets the benefit of his company. Still pursued by the Black Riders, whose company Bromir also wishes to  avoid because of an unpaid tailor's bill, the two find a refuge in Moria, where they are greeted by Balin, the Dwarven hospodar of the realm. Boromir is killed by a Balrog who holds a grudge against him since their time as fellow-students in an extramural programme at the University of Minas Tirith, but Balin, who is an old enemy of Gandalf's, equips Frodo for his continued flight from the wrath of Gandalf. He advises Frodo to ask Arwen, the Queen of the Fairies, about Rosie's whereabouts and gives him his son Gimli and a loose Elf, Legolas, as travelling companions.
  When Frodo meets Arwen, she looks in her magic mirror which informs her that Rosie is the fairest damsel in Middle-earth. Consumed by fury, she avenges herself on Rosie by seducing Frodo. The next day, she repents and sends Frodo on towards Mordor, having discovered by her magic arts that Rosie is there; she also gives him an escort,  a unit of well-armed Elves called the Grey Company.
  When Frodo and the Grey Company cross the Anduin on a ferry, the ferryman, a strange, ruined creature called Gollum, accidentally catches a glimpse of Frodo's ring and then abandons his ferry, forcing his company on Frodo much against the latter's inclination. The reason for this is that he recognizes Frodo's ring. It is actually the One Ring, which makes the bearer irresistibly attractive to the opposite sex. In fact, Gollum was for many years the possessor of the ring, and his haggard appearance is due to his over-enthusiastic exploitation of the opportunities offered by it.
  While crossing the mountains into Mordor, Frodo one evening discovers a camp-fire burning not far from the place where he and his escort have made their own camp. He makes his way to the other camp and there discovers Faramir, Boromir's brother, who with his men is driving a herd of bulls to the bullfights in Udûn. Faramir grieves at the news of Boromir's death but invites Frodo, his brother's friend, to share a late supper with him. During the meal, Galadriel, a wild Gipsy Elf, dances for them; however, she succumbs to Frodo's fatal charm and slips off with him to a dark, discreet place. When Faramir finds them in a passionate embrace, he boots Frodo out of the camp. But the infatuated Galadriel escapes from the camp and catches up with Frodo.
  Frodo, who is now utterly broke, sells Galadriel to Shelob, the madame of a cave of ill repute in the most shadowy part of the Mountains of Shadow, and proceeds into Mordor in his own carriage. In Mordor, he discovers that Rosie is about to marry Sauron, an evil, rich old man. He is reconciled with Rosie and once more gives her the ring as a token of his ever-lasting fidelity. Then he draws his rapier against Sauron, but is interrupted when Schnyder once more turns up and advises Frodo that Frodo actually is Rosie's half-brother and the son of Goldilocks, something that both Goldilocks and the father, the now deceased Balrog, were unaware of. Rosie curses Frodo, throws his ring in his face and then jumps into Mount Doom, a volcano in the vicinity. Beset by grief and remorse, Frodo jumps after her, clutching the ominous ring. Gollum, in his obsession with the ring, jumps after Frodo. Gimli, Legolas and the Grey Company thereupon sing a tragical final chorus, with solo performances by Schnyder and Sauron.

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