THE QUEST FOR SAURON'S DIARY

XII. They Split Up

xiii. A Couple of Extras Die (A Boring Chapter)

When they arrived at Traskadat, the Druid, Anacin, Excedrin,
Bombador, Bluff, and Fred saw enormous globs of Troll troops massed
at the border. They were big and tall and ugly, and probably made
good basketball players, and their existence was one long bad hair
day.

"Kill off the buggers," said Bombador.

"Ho ho ho!" laughed Bluff. "He said 'buggers.'"

Gazing at the troops, Fred realized that his life had been
irrevocably changed.

The companions immediately got into some hardcore military
preparations. Bluff, though jolly, was a brilliant military
commander. He engaged in a lot of boring strategic thought about
troops and flanks and vulnerable points and whatnot. He was like von
Clausewitz after a bad laughing gas attack. Excedrin of the fake
bosom was another sort: her perfect instincts and flawless sabre hand
made her a lean, mean fightin' machine. These two took charge of the
defense, though Bombador did his best to run things, or ruin them.
He was mostly a jerk; Anacin was a wimp; Fred was a non-entity, but
would eventually save the day.

In fact, let's skip over the boring military stuff to the bit where
he and the Druid infiltrate the Troll camp, disguised with dark
glasses. A Nasty had the Druid cornered, and was coming closer and
closer and closer. "Boo!" it said in a grum voice.

"Bug off!" said Waffelon.

"Make me!" said the Nasty. Then Fred drew his sword and killed it.

"That was the chief of the Flying Monkeys," said the Druid. "This
makes you the hero."

"Kewl!" said Fred.

But the worst was yet to come. Those Trolls just kept coming and
coming. They were massacring people left, right, and centre, and
taking out people's hitpoints like there was no tomorrow in hell.
The background music got really sinister.

Then Waffelon unleashed his magic. It poured out uncontrollably like
never mind what, rending through the hosts of Trolls and burning them
like marshmallows or a Fourth of July barbecue. It flooded forth and
devoured all within its path, like a hungry guinea pig, belching
loudly as it went. It turned a somersault and danced a jig. It
started singing "O sole mio," but the Druid told it to shut up.

Meanwhile, Fred was getting to know Wilma, the boldest of Traskadat's
spies, despite her housewifely appearance. The two made out
passionately and all that, or rather they didn't, officially at least.

When the battle was over, Anacin and Bombador were dead.

"Ho ho ho," said Bluff. "I turned out not to be expendable after
all. Ho ho ho, I bet Bozo ends up dying instead."

"Shut up," said Waffelon.

chapter xiv.  eek