THE QUEST FOR SAURON'S DIARY

xiii. A Couple of Extras Die (A Boring Chapter)

chapter xiv.  eek

Meanwhile, Bozo and Lovelinda got captured by some annoying
picaresque guy named Scuzzbag, who stole the magic stone things Bozo
was carrying in his pocket.

A Nasty attacked them.

"Give me the stones back," said Bozo.

"No," said Scuzz.

"Then we'll get killed. Which would actually make an interesting plot
twist," said Bozo.

"Nyah-ah-ah," said the Nasty.

"Fine," said Scuzz, giving Bozo the stones. Bozo threw them at the
Nasty, and the Nasty ran away crying.

"What exactly is your function in this story, anyway?" inquired Bozo
of Scuzz.

"I don't know," replied Scuzz.

"Then sod off," said Bozo. Scuzz did so.

"My hero!" said Lovelinda.

They continued on their way. Sonic the Hedgehog lusted after
Sauron's Diary, and if that sounds sick, it is. The animal listened
with wild pangs of jealousy to the passionate lovemaking that Bozo
and Lovelinda didn't engage in.

They reached the Corpse Kingdom, the Really Nasty Place. It was dark
and scary, full of Nasties, monsters,and insurance agents that hovered
overhead. The Ghostly Trio swooped by, yelling "Boo!" Count
Chokula, Frankenberry, and -- worst of all -- Lucky the Leprechaun
tried to force them to eat sugary breakfast cereals.

"I'm scared!" said Lovelinda. "My special seer powers that I didn't
tell you about inform me that eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevil things are nearby!"

"Don't worry," said Bozo. "The fact that they're so obviously in-
your-face evil proves that they'll lose. So all these vampire
skeletons that are trying to seize you with claws of steel (really
plastic) are actually a good sign."

"If you say so," sighed Lovelinda.

Eventually, they arrived at the Castle, which reminded Bozo of
something out of Scooby-Doo; he even thought he heard a voice
saying, "Ri rant a rooby rack!"  For some mysterious reason, either
there weren't any guards, or they conveniently looked the other way.
One or two were birdwatching. Obviously, whoever ruled this joint
hadn't read the guidelines for being a Dark Overlord very carefully. The
only real obstacle was a bunch of incredibly annoying pop-ups. Bozo
was bored.

Sonic stole Sauron's Diary, but got hoodooed to death, so Bozo had no
difficulty getting it back.

Suddenly, Baddie, the Really Evil Guy, appeared. He looked like
Sauron in the FOTR movie, but with inferior sartorial tastes. He spoke
in all caps, without benefit of quotation marks.

FEAR ME!

Bozo sighed. "Just how stupid ARE you? With a name like Baddie, you
don't have a chance."

PUT SAURON'S DIARY DOWN!

"Would you like me to throw you in the briar patch while I'm at it?"

I SOUND LIKE DARTH VADER!

"Oh, puh-LEEZE! All the Tolkien imitations are bad enough, without
throwing in Star Wars movie references."

BOO!

"Whatever."

Bozo opened Sauron's Diary's cover. As he did so, and beheld the
tilde pictures of Shelob therein, he perceived the Truth, the naked
Truth: that his entire existence was circumscribed by a poorly-written
imitation of a classic. This knowledge almost made him retch. But
thanks partly to Lovelinda's empathic abilities that we didn't tell
you about, he survived and drew strength from the very banality of the
story in which he had his being. With a resounding cry of "YR," he
threw the book at Baddie. Baddie realized then that not only was the
story badly written, but he himself had no personality, not even an
iota of one. He succumbed.

"My hero!" cried Lovelinda.

"Rad," said Bozo.

xv. They've Changed For Ever and All That Sort of Rot