Student Secretary
Hecate Mensenlarger, Student Secretary and Psychiatrst, Dean for Student Well-being, Mistress of Lady Margaret Hall, Archpriestess of St. Hilda's College, and Grand Fattress of Cholesterol Hall, is one of three people in the world who can look directly upon the face of MORAMBAR and live.
She is responsible for the students' (especially first-year students', or slaves') souls, and handles lesser infractions or first-case incidents of Tolkienologically Incorrect Thought. Aunt Heckie, as students affectionately call her, is the person to go to with the little problems students have, "the kind that look towering and insurmountable at first, but fade away after a good, honest talk," as Mr. von Schneifel put it.
The Dean for Student Well-being at FATS provides psychological support for slaves in the process of learning basic canonical truths required to move on to the "serf" and "minion" levels while they also clean the faculty's offices and clothing and bring them coffee. She administers the FATS loyalty oath and assists students in performing the awesome ritual that extrudes their souls, which will be in her custody in jars until the appropriate time. (Students who break in and break the jars for a prank, so that people's souls get mushed together, will suffer the displeasure of the faculty.)
The secretary may also issue reports on failed applicants, with suggestions what they might do better next time, should they try again.
Aunt Heckie is famous for her muffins, which are so good that merely to smell one is to recover from FATS cafeteria fare.
One of Aunt Heckie's Sacred Home-cooked Muffins. Considering that you get them free, you're just ingrates if you complain about tuition.