Office of Admissions and Initiation Rites, The Morambarium, The Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies, Geekdom of Oxfat and Appurtenances of Lower Left Humidor-Glob, Fredonia phone 000-666-1313 fax 000-666-DOOM
Detail from South Façade of Morambarium
See also: Financial Aid
Ask questions like:
What degrees do you offer to students?
Do Balrogs wear wigs?
Did the Ring dance a polka on Mt. Doom?
Did Éowyn and Merry have sex?
Is it a bad thing if Tolkien was in the pay of the tobacco industry?
Was Michael Jackson the lovechild of Peter Jackson and Shelob, and does this explain a lot?
Why was this truth covered up by Tolkien scholars?
I. Applying to FATS
The Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies encourages you to begin the application process as early as possible. As part of the application process, we encourage you to visit Oxfat and attend our Hypnotic Enslavement as Contribution to Knowledge (HECK) lectures, or join in our Tolkien Encounters with Relaxation and Meditation (Intensified by Toxicological Elements) Séances (TERMITES).
Discover how FATS can help you do it all. (Cooking, cleaning, laundry, bringing cups of coffee and cigars to faculty members -- the sky's the limit!)
"I want to explore my inner strength. I understand an opening is necessary to let these inner things get to the outside... I just hope the wounds won't have to be too deep."
-- Mutilus Lacera
"I want to be a mindless minion and serve as cannon (canon?) fodder for their world conquest plan"
-- Paris Hilton
"I want to wogah the head of Tolkine Literary Coolness! She's hot! Drool drool!"
-- Will Wesleyheim, Count of Sickeningen and Vice-Lord of Crush
II. Admissions Requirements
(See Colleges and departments, especially School of Tolkienology, for information on admission to individual programmes.)
Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies is happy to receive applications from students from any country in the world, providing that they pass the SOFAT and can be soaked for tuition and fees. FEES! WE WANT FEES! GIVE US FEES NOW!!!!!!!
In order to be admitted, candidates must show evidence of an appropriate TOLKIEN background and good standards of literacy and numeracy, as well as mindless servile devotion to the Decider, His Viceregent, and the Faculty. All applications are considered carefully in the light of academic achievements, Tolkien knowledge, malleability and humility before the awesome genius of TOLKIEN and His Expert, MORAMBAR, and aptitude for slave labor.
"They are so nice here! They even gave me an old toothbrush so I don't have to scrape the dirt off the floor with bare fingers."
-- Fanny Faqsdottir.
(The Academy has reserved the right to require candidates to undergo the Ordeals if it is deemed necessary.)
Requirements include:
A completed FATS Undergraduate Application for Admission, including Recommendation by qualified beings.
Essay on how MORAMBAR is the true Tolkien Expert and Decider, and what TOLKIEN's Truth means to you.
Loyalty Oath (blood preferred)
Soul (to be deposited with the student secretary or head of college for undergraduates; graduates will leave it with their faculty advisor)
666-toller non-refundable application fee
Security background check and brain scan (FATS BRAIN-SCANNER v.1.892) administered by MOE (Myrmidons of Entropy) security forces
Official SOFAT (Standard Official Fredonian Aptitude Test) or AFT (Art of Flaming Test) Scores
"I chose FATS because I get the best of both worlds. I love the feel of a small close-knit community at which I am valued as an individual but am also part of a larger vision of world domination."
- Vanessa Voldemort.
Elvish language requirement
All applicants (other than those who have been educated in the medium of Elvish language during their two most recent years of study) must satisfy one of the following requirements:
ELF (paper-based): overall score of 600
ELF (computer-based): overall score of 250
ELF (telepathic): overall score of 31f
They must also be able to mutate consonants after "bo" correctly.
Entrance requirements for undergraduate courses
1. Although not formally required, only a very small number of students are admitted each year without having at least watched Jackson's LOTR trilogy at A-level or equivalent.
2. Candidates not taking Balrog Anatomy at A- or AS-level must either have that subject or dual-award science/pseudoscience. We recommend at least some familiarity with the main issues of the online TOLKIEN flamegroups the better to counter the flamestream media's lies.
III. How to apply
"I found the admissions procedure very fair but challenging and stimulating at the same time. The whip marks healed quite fast."
-- Masoch Michelob
(For explanations of the months, see FATS calendar.)
All candidates wishing to apply to Oxfat must submit an application online between 1 FATSember and 15 Hecatober Anno Tolkieni 120. If you have been to an educational institution in Rogsylvania, you must have your mind emptied of all memories before applying to FATS. This is for your own good.
A. JRRTember AT 120 -- Oxfat interviews
"Morambar like does it all."
-- Jessika Lollipop-Luthien
If you are invited to come for interview in Oxfat, the college that made the invitation will provide accommodation and for a reasonable fee put you to hard labor (remember that hobbits are as busy as bees when the thirst for knowledge and wisdom comes upon them) while you are staying in Oxfat.
B. Late JRRTember AT 120/Horuary AT 121
All candidates will receive an e-mail or letter that will tell you whether or not you have been successful. There are three possible outcomes:
1) You have been made an offer of a place at a particular college. The offer may specify that you need to achieve certain grades in particular subjects like pipe smoking or plate tectonics.
2) Your application has not been successful. Last year around 10,000 applicants were not offered a place, and committed hara-kiri immediately upon notification. In this case, you will receive suggestions from the Student Secretary on how to qualify in the event that you try again. Most rejected candidates fail because they lacked proper understanding of the basic principles of Tolkien scholarship, or because they didn't praise MORAMBAR enough in their essay, or because their bribe was adjudged unsatisfactory.
After all, as MORAMBAR stated in His mercy:
Now, obviously, we would want nothing more then to teach the Wisdom of TOLKIEN's BUQ to EVERY man, woman and child of the Earth, but alas, for now that dream is still far away, at least until the New Line pays us the royalties it owes.
The standard personalized customized letter reads:
"We regret to inform you that your application for the Preliminary Studies has been declined, due to insufficient understanding of MORAMBAR's approach to Logic and Tolkien. Enclosed, report by Mrs. Mensenlarger, with suggestions of how you might improve your performance, should you try again."
3) Prepare to die.
C. 1 FATSember AT 120
First day for submitting applications.
Candidates must check to see if there is an ordeal required for their subject, and ensure that they have registered for the ordeal, where required
D. 20 FATSember AT 120
Closing date for Oxfat applications forms for students wishing to be interviewed in Rogsylvania, as all FATS interview conducted there must be secret.
E. 5 Morambar AT 120
Standard Official Fredonian Aptitude Test (SOFAT)
FATS Law Admissions Test (FLAT)
Balrog Reproduction Admissions Test (BRAT)
Elvish Language Flunkorama (ELF)
Horus Aptitude Test (HAT)
Plate-tectonics Regurgitation Aptitude Test (PRAT)
Aptitude Test for Torture (ATT)
Thinking and Reasoning Assessment for Pre-pre-propaganda (TRAP)
Janitorial Required Reading Test (JRRT)
15 Morambar AT 120
Closing date for submissions of Bogus Results for Imaginary Brain Examinations (BRIBEs).
Interviews take place in Oxfat.
F. JRRTember AT 120/AT 121
You will be notified of the outcome of your application.
IV. Special qualifications
Orkish qualifications
In general, we are looking for a level of performance around grade AAAAB or AAAAA. Uruk-hai only please; no snaga-hai need apply. A recommendation from a recognised (or, in the case of Hell, non-recognised Commie filth) Helluvan or Rogsylvanian government body is required.
Elvish qualifications
Elves are immediately qualified for everything.
Vocational qualifications
Candidates with vocational qualifications will be welcomed with open arms. Advanced dishwashing, coffee-bringing, cooking, or cleaning experience may be considered in lieu of educational qualifications.
"It was great, the teachers were great, there was a lot of dishwashing."
-- Hussein Al-Farazun Numenori
Two FATS students chat: Dude, those other schools like suck!