See also Index
Admissions
Campus Map
Colleges and departments
Student Secretary
Giving to FATS
Offices and Services
The Decider: MORAMBAR, the One True Tolkien Omniscer (OTTO), Obnoxiously Rich Crazy (ORC), Ultimate Tolkien Scholar Online(UTSO), Superior Tolkien Expert and Authority(STEA), Supreme Decider and Overlord for Life(SDOL) of the Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies(FATS), and the Keeper of the Book of Unanswered Questions(BUQ) by J.R.R. Tolkien(JRRT). Holds absolute dominion over FATS, and exercises His Inexorable Will (HIW) on all questions of doctrine or discipline. He imposes disciplinary measures according to His pleasure, including those brought to His Attention by the weekly Discipilary Comittee report. His expertise in TOLKIEN may be inferred from the fact that he is filthy rich.
Faults He is entitled to punish include, but are in no wise limited to, failures to meet deadline, bookkeeping errors, mutinous insolence and presentations of material contradicting Morambar, to name a few. For these reasons, or any other reasons, the Decider may decide (heh) that students, members of Faculty, or staff be killed or even EXPELLED, indefinitely, that they might take counsel with thyself, and remember who and what thou art...
For, in accord with Tolkien's Truth, Mandatorism is the Founding Cornerstone of FATS.
Viceregent: Pseudonymus the Jellyfish fulfills this function. All political and financial and military powers, under MORAMBAR, are concentrated in the Viceregent's hands (or rather, tentacles). See Faculty and Jellyfish Institute for more.
Satraps for Spamming; Terrorism; Drug-Induced Hallucinations; Illicit Affairs; and Vice: see The Academy and the Colleges. At the moment, Pseudonymus is Satrap for Spamming and Terrorism; Dr. Horus Engels, M.A.D., is Satrap for Drug-Induced Hallucinations; Adultera Cheater is Satrap for Illicit Affairs; and Baron Mörön Bogusz is Satrap for Vice.
Registrar: Responsibilities include implementing the academic policy of the Academy, maintaining and creatively altering the permanent academic records of students, ensuring the conformity of academic records with MORAMBAR's Will and that of our big donors, and tying registration and classroom scheduling in red tape.
Computing (SNAKEPIT): The Support Network of Automated Knowledge Expertise for Planning and Information Technology, staffed by specially picked dwarves (only descendants of Durin need bother to apply), provides computing and network facilities to students and faculty for their educational and research activities; manages the campus network that is connected to Morambar's brain (MORambar-ONline, or MORON); and provides telecommunication, digital media and technical support services.
Student Life: See Student Secretary; Community.
Development: As a FATS alumnus or alumna, you are automatically a member of the FATS Alumni Association and entitled to all benefits: library privileges, a special alumni credit card, discounted insurance, alumni admission to FATS events, 1% off FATS apparel from the FATS bookstore, a valet, bodyguard, and personal trainer, a minor noble title (estate available at extra cost), enlightenment, and more!
For the business-minded alum, the alumni Career Center is the perfect hub for FATS grads looking to network, post job opportunities, and take over the world.
Naturally, we expect the alumnus or alumna to earn these perquisites through heavy donations.
Finance: The Treasurer, Cindy the Blue Whale Holothuria the Sea-cucumber, is responsible (under MORAMBAR and His Viceregent) for the administration and accounting for all financial transactions. Administrative functions include: payment of all bills for supplies that cannot be obtained for free; creative accounting for all expenditures; receipt of cash, checks, souls, etc. and deposit in banks; collection of all funds for services including tuition, room, board, fees, rental properties, computer services, telephone, breathing charges, Substantial Loans for Imaginary Charges (Kewl!), etc.; direction of the insurance program (which is mandatory but only covers those cases where coverage is allowed; there are no such cases at present); billing and collection of student loans at 66% interest; kickbacks and extortion. FATSBank fees are a major source of income. The unit of FATS currency is the toller. (See Fees.)
General Counsel: The Office of General Counsel ("OGC") manages the legal affairs of the Academy. In that role, its major activities include: management of all external litigation; advice to the Academy from the Decider, the Viceregent, and senior officers of FATS to supervisors and individual faculty and staff regarding all legal questions; management of FATS' project to indict Christopher "Tolkien" for high crimes and felonies; and oversight of the Academy policy development and enforcement process. Since the Decider's merest whim is law to lesser (and especially poorer) beings, OGC's principal duty is the communication of that Will to the masses -- although it also keeps up-to-date on documents issued by the Crown and Diet of Fredonia.
Community Relations: The relation of FATS to the surrounding Oxfat community may be described as dictatorial; for the Decider correctly demands utter submission and, in town vs. gown disputes, insists that the town keep to its proper place. We are proud of what our students do for the community to give back. Each year the Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies compiles and publishes its "Annual Community Service Report" which details the over 40,000 hours of service that FATS students donate to the community in free room service and constructive labor supplied to major corporate donors.
Additional FATS Services
Career Services: Helps students in higher levels find part time jobs (first-year students, or "slaves," have no trouble finding work), and assists graduates in obtaining positions in FATS Absolute Dominion Services. And for a small registration fee, you can mail out FATS leaflets, and spread the Truth and make money at the same time! Other branches of Career Services include: Unpaid Jobs, Part-Time & Summer Jobs, Erotic Internships, Boot-Licking Training, Job Searching, Morambar-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), Résumé Critique, Cover Letter Critique, Interview Preparation, Militant Training, and Slavery.
Human Resources: The mission of The Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies as a community of students, faculty, administrators, and staff is to pursue the truth in all its forms Fulfillment of this mission requires, among other things, that our workplace embody the Tolkienistic principles of subservient cheap labor working as a community of service towards a shared aim. This common vision renders fringe benefits unnecessary except for higher faculty members and administrators. The Office of Human Resources serves the Academy community in the recruitment and training of employees, and in the administration of benefits and compensation (for the few who receive them).