Permz Weird HOBBIT Analysis and Theory (WHAT)
This is a collection of brief theoretica by divers FATSoid facultaeans upon sundry aspectualisms of The Hobbit.
Derridina, Pr0fessor of Tolki3n Litarary C00lness, liek FATS:
N Gandalf liek sh0ws us
h0w m3anin(-2-say) iz liek in the int3rstices 0f disc0urse cuz teh w0rdz r s000
all ab0ut n0t conveyin teh meanin but Gandalf kn0wed hiz pragmatix cuz h3 wuz a
wizard??///? WTF n kn3w stuf.
Teh Narrater iz waaaaaaay unraliabl3 thats why ther3 r n0 femaels exc3pt
Bilb0 wh0 tr0pes femael liek Bill Clint0n trop3d black n tha c0unt iz 2 dumb 2
know wut tr0pe meanz s0 h3 sed I sed Bilb0 iz a woman n if u r3ad my f0rthcomin
articl3 it's s0000 0bvious i said tr0pes liek DUH C0UNT n btw givin urself a
titl3 0f nobilty iz tacky 2 the max d00d. But I'l explain that wh3n w3 liek
analyze OMG WTF LOL!!!!!11111111!!!!! tha next chapt3r.
S0me sch0lars claim Dwalin had s0me icky diseas3 cuz he got a blue b3ard. Liek d0nt be s0 colorist d00dz. Maybe blu3 hare iz natural in dwarvez liek humanz
have bl0nd n platinum n c0ral n b3ige n brun3tte n black n 0range-red col0ured
hair.
0r maybe he did it 2 be transgr3ssive th0ugh thats kinda 0ld. Baud3laire dy3d
hiz haer gr33n n went ar0und hopin p3ople w0uld notic3 n ev3n asked p3ople DID U
NOTIC3 MY HAIRZ GREEN IM T0DALLY DISSIN S0CIETYS M0RES n they r lik3 WHATEVER
D00D n that wuz even pr3-T0lkein OMG WTF LOL!!!!!111!!1!!!!!!!.
Sp3akin 0f hair it says h0bbits haav3 curly hare d0ez that m3an thay had permz n
did thay use harespray 0r did th3y haev curlin ir0ns 0r s0methin els3???/?/?///
I b3t elvez just styl3 thair heir naturaly usin magic thats awes0me OMG!!!!111
N that plat3 crackin s0ng iz just teh dwarvez bein transgr3ssive again n t0daly
epater l3 b0urgeois cuz thay sing ab0ut violatin ev3ry n0rm 0f b0urgeois society
n thats why thay smash teh plat3s n p0ur stuf all 0ver tha fl00r n stuf but th3y
d0nt actualy d0 any 0f this stuf cuz dwarfs r s0000000000000000000 pos3urz
d00dz.
N thair s0ng about the misty m0untainz n stuf iz all ab0ut wh0 gits 2 0wn stuf n
iz t0daly pr0paganda but teh music manipulaets Bilb0z sens3s n maeks him want 2
join the dwarfs liek the way Fascism manipulaets imag3s 2 maek pe0ple say LIEK
W0W FASCISM R00LZ D00DZ thats why thay c0llaberated. N thats why Th0rin iz liek
s0 w0rdy n g0es 0n ab0ut meanz n devic3s cuz hez abusin languag3 2 say YO IM A
POW3R STRUCTUR3 N IM KEWL though he wuznt r3aly a p0wer strucker liek Dwalin hez
a p0seur 0r a wannabe. Thats why Bilb0 fr3ak 0ut. LOL.
Pseudonymus Jellyfish, Chief Financial Officer and Proffesor of Economics, FATS:
TOLKIEN never erred. If, therefore, He chose not to present a straightforward
explanation of market economics, preferring to veil these Truths in tales about
hobbits and elves, that is His prerogative.
The more I think about it, the more Gandalf reminds me of Ayn Rand.
Why,
after all, does this story exist at all? It is hope for remuneration that fuels
Bilbo's participation in this quest. Without the lure of one fourteenth of the
treasure, Bilbo would have stayed at home. After all, he'd already filled his
quota for the five-year plan, no?
Of course, one could debate whether Bilbo was uppity Big Labor or an
entrepreneurial consultant. I lean a bit towards the latter in this scene, since
he carries out independent negotiations.
Eomer Greyhame, Loremaister of Qauntitativer Historie, FATS:
What hath y-stricken me is alle the detayl abouten what thynges Bilbo hadde. A
comparysoun of the taxxe rolles of them Shyre showeth that the amounte of stuffe
was extraordinaire for then tyme. Y-grounded upon a cliodynamishem looke, finden
we that the number of holbytlum wyth platum in them yeare 1300 Shyre-Reckonyng
was y-tolde at nygh on 43% of ther totale, but that the number wyth enoughe for
fourteene greedien folke cometh to butte .0001 for hundrede of ther befolkinge
ther Shire. Further, the number wyth forkum standeth atte 13%, bute those wyth
14 forkum ne cometh to .0000000000000000000000000000000000001 outen an
hundredum. Spoones weren owned of 56% ther holbytlena, but those with 14 cometh
to no moren than 12%.
We concluden wyth a stochastishe graphe that sheweth that Bilboon hadde a lotte
of stuffe.
Dr. Trollarius T. Troll, Rogue Professor:
Maybe that's what hobbits were. Grubby little monkeys that lived in holes. It
would explain the quality of much of the dialogue in "A Long-expected Party" in
LOTR.
LUSTMOLCH, PROFESSOR OF PLATE TECTONICS, FATS:
THOSE PLATES CRASHING TOGETHER REMIND ME HOW MOUNT DOOM WAS FORMED BY THE
TECTONIC PLATES SMASHING AND CRASHING TOGATHER THOSE PLATES WANT EACH OTHER SO
BAD IT'S NOT A SLOW AND EASY APPROACH AT ALL, IT'S WHAM BANG BANG UGH GRUNT
THOSE PLATES HAD A PREMATURE CLIMAX AND THAT'S WHAT CAUSED THE VOLCANO. OR AS I
SAY IN MY COURSE: "CAREFULLY, CAREFULLY WITH THE PLATES"? GEOLOGICALLY SPEAKING,
SAFE SEX IS A BORE.
THE SERIOUS SONG IS PRETTY HOT, TOO. WHAT DO YOU THINK THE DUNGEONS DEEP ARE?
WELL, TOLKIEN DEEP DUNGEONS ARE CLEARLY THE DEEPEST INNERMOST RECESSES OF THE FEMALE PUDENDA, SO I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT THE BANGING HAMMERS ARE. YEAH,
THOSE HAMMERS BANGED DEEP INTO HER DEEP DUNGEON. SHE STARTS OUT FRIGID ("COLD")
AND THEN HEATS UP (FLAME, FIRE). BUT THE CLIMAX CAME TOO FAST, AND THAT'S WHY
THE BURNING DRAGON "LAID LOW" THE TOWERS.
REMEMBER, SHAGGING IS GEOLOGY, GEOLOGY IS SHAGGING, AND IT ALL BECOMES NOT ONLY
CLEAR, BUT HOT AND STICKY.
Muzak-Zigzag, Professor of Dwarfthropology and Computer Science, FATS:
What rubbish. Didn't it occur to any of you lusers to ask an actual *dwarf* what
the "Far over the misty mountains cold" song means?
It means:
m
Treat string as multiple lines. That is, change "^" and "$" from matching the
start or end of the string to matching the start or end of any line anywhere
within the string.
s
Treat string as single line. That is, change "." to match any character
whatsoever, even a newline, which normally it would not match.
Used together, as /ms, they let the "." match any character whatsoever, while
still allowing "^" and "$" to match, respectively, just after and just before
newlines within the string.
i
Do case-insensitive pattern matching.
If locale matching rules are in effect, the case map is taken from the current
locale for code points less than 255, and from Unicode rules for larger code
points. However, matches that would cross the Unicode rules/non-Unicode rules
boundary (ords 255/256) will not succeed. See perllocale.
HTH
BLOODY BILBO, THE BLOODY SHIRE, BLOODY FREDONIA:
OK, that's enough of this bloody f**kin sh*t from you bloody f**kers with your
oh-so-f**kin clever artsy-shmartsy airy-Fairy s*ddin f** c*nt-m*nge. I've never
read such bloody b*llocks-c*ntsh*t in me bloody f**kin life. I mean: misty
mountains as female ... what did he say? pudding???, unreliable narkers? well, I
bet you bloody f**kin c*ckheads are f**in unreliable, I wouldn't bloody trust
you with a s**din hae-f**kin-penny, some guy talkin fancy-f**kin-shmancy foreign
f**kin talk about bloody f**kin Russia, yeah, Nap-f**ker, your bloody f**kin
immigrants f**kin ruin our bloody f**kin country if we let you come in here and
s*d us, and now this Mrs. Bloody Fores is tryin to tell us we're a bunch of
bloody s**din pansy left-wing $^%#s, WHAT THE BLOODY F*CKIN S*DDIN C*NTIN
SH*GGIN ARSIN B*LLOCKS SH*T BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU BLOODY F**IN
AR**-CHOMPIN C*NT-BRAINED CREPE-SH*TTIN BLOODY
F***ERS?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????\
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!\
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
***
Ch. 2
LUSTMOLCH has his own perspective:
TALKING PURSE SOUNDS LIKE TALKING P*$%# AND PROBABLY LOOKED LIKE ONE TOO, WHICH
REMINDS ME OF THE OLD FRENCH ROMANCE ABOUT THE KNIGHT WHO MADE C**TS TALK YEAH
BILBO WANTED TO F**K THAT PURSE REAL BAD.
THIS CHAPTER DOESN'T HAVE MUCH HOT GEOGRAPHY, JUST SOME NICE ROUND HILLS COVERED
WITH BUSHY TREES IF THAT'S YOUR THING. BUT WHAT DOES HOOTING MAKE YOU THINK OF?
YES, IF BILBO HAD HOOTED LIKE AN OWL HE'D HAVE BEEN A HOOTER AND BILBO BEGINS
WITH B LIKE BR&^ST.
Heinus von Ugg-Bleeckh, Professor of Middle-earth Technology, has a brief
comment:
I wish FATS Admin would let me experiment on students to see if I can turn them
into sentient handkerchieves. A bit of flattening, some chemicals to soften them
up ... it would be fascinating. But FATS is horribly restrictive since the
lawsuits.
The journey would have been much easier if Bilbo and the dwarves had come with
jet-packs. I wonder if FATS would allow me to put jet-packs in students. Perhaps
the best I can hope for is to have the students make jet-packs of miruvor, and
see if they blow up.
Derridina:
In this chapt3r Bilb0 tr0pes femaels thats why he gits expl0ited n gottas wash
all th3 dishes n stuf n why h3 gits stucked with the purs3 n mayb3 thats why teh
hootin thing c0mes up 2. T0lkine iz liek s0000000 playin with stare0types her3 n
undercuttin tham LOL.
Bilb0 d0es lots 0f essentialism her3 cuz hes racist anti-dwarf n d0esnt wanna b3
mistaked f0r them n that OBVIUSLY TR0LLS LIEK DUH bit is liek OTT essentialis n
teh tr0llz r all mark3d f0r class n thats why thay talk c0ckny n there
cannibalizm s000000000000000000000 violat3s b0urgois m00rality d00dz LOL but
what Tolkine d0es is r3ally cl3ver cuz th3 tr0ll named Bert s0unds liek Barthes
so T0lkine is sayin STRUCTURALISM THINKS ITS S0000000000000 ALL THAT OMG WTF
LOL!!!!!11111 BUT IT SUX THATS WHY H3 ASKS WUT bILB0 M3ANS CUZ HE WANNA D0
SEMI0TICS THATS LAM3.
Gandalf imitatin tha tr0llz kinda tak3s 0n thier idantity wich mis3 en todally
abime if hez really Gandalf n iz any0ne any0ne s0 Tolkine iz subversiv3 thats
als0 why tha purs3 talks s0 we'l questi0n if pirs3s haev selv3s n liek todaly
s00000000 wuts a self OMG WTF
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111!11!!111
Horus Engels, Professor of Menacing Looks and Frog Pills, and the most gnomic of FATS faculty members:
Robbet ribbet ribbet. Ribbet? Ribbet! Ribbet! !!!
RIBBET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Eomer Greyhame:
What striketh my mynde is that they weren in then Lone-landen, where no folke
dwelten ne innes stooden. It hath been marked that muche of Midden-eorthe was
undwelte, albeit thoudandes yeare hadden gone by sithence the firste
befolkinges. It hath been y-reckoned that in ther Thirden Age the averagishe befolking was
-.7 folke for eacher four-sideden myle. And with ther standarde deviatinge is
that even worse. Why?
Meseemeth the answer to liene in then trollen, that as quoth Wyllhelm "eten a
thorp or vyllage and a half betwixten you." If we coulden reckonen the nummer of
thorpen and setten yon nummer beside the nummer ther trolla, so myghten we
out-finden, whether the outcome likeneth to ther befolking of -.7.
It it not hard to shewen, that neither sicknesse nor war maked the befolking so
low; for thenne hadden Bilboo and the dwerrowes y-seen bodies, and yon sawen
they not.
(I leave for now the questioon of ther ratyo of trollum to sheepum, the whilch I hope to about-speaken in um forthcomingen artikel.)
Chapter 3 "A Short Rest"
(Thankfully, Lustmolch was ... busy when we came to this chapter.)
Derridina, Professor of T0lkine Litarary C00lness:
"Th3 tra-la-lally s0ng is waaay intriguin cuz it t0dally mise en questi0n if its
g0t meanin 0r not cuz literaly teh w0rds d0nt mean(-2-say) anythin but iz that
true of all disc0urse liek if u say UR HAIR SUX does it maen anythin. N th3n tha
dis0urse functi0n iz s000 not teh actual w0rds cuz there pragmatix n m3an Y0
D00DZ WE R ELFS N WE R LIEK KINDA C0RNY N HAEV SUCKY TAST3 IN P0ETRY BUT WE R
CUT3 S0 BUY 0UR S0UVENIRS but mayb3 tha sucky p0etry iz 0n purpos3 n iz Tolkine
sayin LITARARY STANDERDS R JUST STRAIGHT WHIT3 MAELS SAYIN WE R00L S0 THAY SUX0R
S0 IM DALIB3RATELY MAKIN THE ELF P0ETRY CRAP 2 UNDERMIN3 TAST3 wich w0uld be
aw3s0me. N mayb3 thats why T0lkeins hare iz kinda crap."
Heinus von Ugg-Bleeckh, Professor of Middle-earth Technology:
"One theory is that Elves were cyborgs, and "Tra-la-la-lally" an error code.
That's why they don't sing that rubbish in LOTR; tech support had finally fixed
the bug. Now, I wonder ... if we stuck random bits of computer equipment into
people (or vice versa), would they start singing weird drivel?
Gandalf says "Valleys have ears." What biotechnologiical advances enabled
valleys to have auricular organs? Would FATS Admin be likely to allow cutting
off students' ears and attaching them to various natural features? Would
Lustmolch say something gross about that?
I may have other thoughts later, after I have stewed in my acid for a bit."
Eomer Greyhame, Loremaister ther Numberlore-lichen Historie:
"One ther boringa thinga abouten elvum is how fewe aren the conundra anent
theiren statisticken. Ye olde loremaisers always whingeden abouten how the elves
n'hadden no statistishe recordes, butte ye musten knowen how to getten
statisticks from un-statistishen writingum. For exaumple, the elves alle hadden
face-drawinges y-made so that they coulden gazen upon themselven, when a
looking-glass them lacked. From ther tale thes number's of thesum
face-drawingum, knowen we that there weren 27 elves on Rivendelle.
(Elvishe befolkinges weren wont to be smalle. Even Dwimordene n'hadde butte 403
ylve.)"