FATS believes in extreme security, as students find out the moment we extract their souls. At the centre of our security is an élite corps of hungry sentient can(n)ons called Myrmidons Of Entropy (MOE), whose boss, Mr. Howard Itzer, was appointed Vice-Generalissimo in recognition for his valor in defending FATS from the Talking Foxists (Commie traitor adherents to a traitor who rebelled against FATS Administration, doubtless because he wanted the Viceregent's parking place). The vice boss is named Big Bertha. Mr. Arthur Illery is no longer with security, as he is now Professor of Middle-earth Art History.
FATS cannot be responsible if delinquent students get eaten by these ... things. They escaped from a third-rate cartoon, where Morambar found them, healed them, corrup... redeemed them.
Myrmidons Of Entropy played a pivotal role when MORAMBAR took over Oxfat, ruthlessly eliminating Narnophiles and Potterites. Today, some of them moonlight as teaching assistants; surviving one of their courses is considered a badge of honor. One famous talking gun has made a career as rapper; he goes by the name Gun Da Bad.
These entities like to hang out in the Gun Lobby.
In addition, there's a special smiley patrol to ensure that all students are smiling at all times per MORAMBAR's will. It's composed of fan(n)ons, a weird can(n)on-fangirl hybrid that also dispenses justice to juveniles. That alliterates.
Mr. How. Itzer Enjoys a Nice Relaxing Interrogation