Book of Unanswered Questions: Chapter of Week

It was instituted by MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR, the Decider himself, while howling at the full moon on 31 Hecatober, anno Tolkieni 115:

Dear Followers,

After analyzing the so called "Chapter of the Week"-project, I have deemed it insufficient to match the standards of FATS. Several posters are using HoME books as source material in the debates, and far too little attention is paid to the BUQ-ratified source material. This cannot be allowed. Thus, from now on the project is cancelled, and I expect the webpages to be closed within a week. This is for everyone's benefit.

In its place I am hereby initiating a new project, called the BUQ Chapter of Week (BUQ-COW). In this project we shall go through every single chapter of the Lord of the Rings (Praised be Tolkien!), in the light of the latest discoveries of the Book of Unanswered Questions and other True Tolkien sources, and discuss of the new revelations this brings up.

We will not insult the intelligence of the members of these groups by repeating the contents of the chapters that they should know by heart. To get things started I have posted a few topics of discussion concerning the Foreword (the Greatest foreword etc.), for people to discuss openly and in civilized manner. Anyone sufficiently familiar with BUQ can add other topics of interest should they please.

We also require volunteers to take up the upcoming chapters. Even though the project is called Chapter of Week, I expect new chapters to be opened on daily basis, thus proving the superior efficiency of FATS. Nobody shall outspeed us! Volunteer NOW!!

Morambar the Decider
CEO of FATS

 

 

Foreword

The classic groundbreaking seminal work on the Foreword to LOTR is of course that of MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR, who modestly posed some questions to which of course he already knew the answers:

 

“1: Why did Tolkien neglect to mention that LotR begun as an allegory of Spanish Civil War?

 

One of the defining events of Tolkien's life took place at Guernica, He rescued a pilot from a shot down Stuka bomber. A Communist rebel patrol led by Pablo Neruda found them. Neruda immediately recogniced Tolkien. "Die, you talentless hack!" he cried, "your poems are crap and they distrupt the plot flow", in Spanish, but his Tokarev TT-33 jammed. Just then the Prussian officer cried "Ze Eagles kommen!". Blastwave from the bombs struck Neruda down, and he fell on top of the officer. Tolkien had to pull him out and carry him to safety, but all this really belongs to the Book V discussions. They did cook rabbit-stew on their way to safety, that much I can reveal.

 

2: Who are the hateful soulless creatures who dared to critisize LotR when it first appeared??

3: Tolkien speaks of himself "standing" in Balin's Tomb and "coming" to Lothlorien. Is this evidence of the use of hallusogenic substances during the writing process, or should any person suggesting that be impaled?”

--

The Viceregent Pseudonymus Jellyfish built upon Mr. Udunvagor's insights and penetrating interrogations in highlighting the politico-economic context of the work:

“1: Tolkien's views about Franco were doubtless unpopular among the left/ liberal democrat elites that dominated political discourse after World War II. There are still some who would find his accounts of his activities in Guernica oddly off-putting.

 

2: Apart from the usual suspects (Communists, Orcs, Balrogs, Finns, proto- TEUNCs), I have hear rumors that King Fred did not care for it. He reportedly thought it too long, and that it didn't have enough episodes of marriage by capture.

 

3: How do we know that he did not in fact stand in Balin's tomb? Perhaps that was a popular holiday activity. But I'm writing under correction. You alone knowest.

The most interesting word in the Foreword, to my humble mind, is 'a.' Tolkien says 'a war,' which surely means 'an individual war.' Does he not mean by that that war is an individual matter, and that Big Government should stay out of it? It follows that rich people should have private armies and that mercenaries are kewl. I arrived at this interpretation through meditating upon the Decider's words: 'I said OK.'

BTW, Lewis and Barfield were indeed involved in gang wars in their youth. The most famous of these was called the Great War.”

--

Noel von Schneiffel's views have been slightly edited in line with FATS editorial policy and professional scholarly Tolkienological standards; but they are not without some small value if read in the light of more authoritative scholars, i.e., us:

“1. Tolkien joined the Freikorps Unserer Heiligen Jungfrau Maria vom Schwerte des Erzengels, a mercenary organisation of the Franciscan order, in late 1936 and fought several less important battles in northern Spain. He was not actually involved in any fighting action in Guernica - since the Freikorps insisted on stopping five times a day for prayer, they arrived late. Tolkien rescued, under great personal risk, several Franqist pilots who had been shot down and were hiding in the woods. Which shows the humanitarian greatness of Tolkien even in times of war and horror.

3. There is nothing wrong with hallucogenic substances. I'm smoking a giant mushroom as I type this. Tolkien knew the benefits of mind- enhancing drugs too. Not that his mind needed any enhancing, but he liked the taste.

Not sure about Lothlorien, but Ba Lin, the owner of a South Korean fast food place in central Oxford, was one of the closest friends of Tolkien. The line above refers to Lin's funeral on October 7, 1952. A volunteer in the Korean War, Lin had been killed near Hwanggoktong by a stray artillery shot. No doubt this untimely death, probably caused by a Chinese gun, was one major cause of Tolkien's hatred of both communism and Chinese cookery.” [This is obviously drivel, since Ba Lin is Mandarin. It means “Eight Lindar.”]

--

Horus Engels' response has regrettably needed a severe fit of editing, but shows the brilliant insight and prophetic inspiration for which Dr. Engels is best known:

“His works were censored by Christopher Tolkien, the Pope and Lillian Gish.

Tolkien never had sensations of a sexual nature in front of a tomb. He was not a necrophile! Though it is universally admitted that he sometimes listened to the London Necrophilian Orchestra, that was by the line of DUTY.

[C.S. Lewis] defiled the sacred penguins with whispered invitiations to horrendous orgies that [his] brain (or rather the suppurating garbage heap [he] dignif[ied] with the word brain) hatched the godless smogma that is now drenching all lovers of FATS with vomit, with nauseating whining pop songs from Gambia, with old unwashed tennis shoes.”

 

 

Prologue

Thus spake MORAMBAR Udunvagor in a study whose conclusions will reverberate through the ages:

“Volunteerism shall remain the Founding Cornerstone of FATS. In this spirit, I have graciously decided to volunteer myself for the job of ordering the duty of presenting the topics for the Prologue, to Pseudonymus Jellyfish.

Obey with shivering smile.”

And the Viceregent obeyed His Master's Voice (given here with the clarifications required by the CEO Mr. Udunvagor's august Will):

“TOLKIEN based the section Concerning Hobbits on some notes for a theme park he hoped to open. The most interesting passage from this section is "the shape of all the lands has changed," a clear allusion to plate tectonics, which was the focus of the work. There was originally going to be a lot more about this subject, but Raynor Unwin sent it back crossed out and the word BORING in big black letters on the margin. Jerk.

Section 2, Concerning Pipeweed, is far too short, and limited. What about cigars? What about snuff? If memory serves, the BUQ devotes 50 pages to humidors alone. There's also a fair amount about other psychotropic substances? Why was this information cut out? Master! Show us thy wisdom concerning cigars! What are the best brands? Are cigarrillos best or stogies? Again, this section was cut short by TOLKIEN's publishers, who were all anti-smoking.

Section 3, Of the Ordering of the Shire, shows us Tolkien's political philosophy: "The Shire had at this time hardly any 'government'"; by which He meant that there was far too much government. Elsewhere, he indicates that there were poor and rich hobbits. This proves that Tolkien preferred to rely on Market Forces, although unfortunately the poor hobbits got too much of the taxpayers' tollers.TOLKIEN's contempt for government welfare shines through the pages of the BUQ. In this respect, Tolkien was a major influence on Milton Friedman and Ayn Rand. No doubt it's why he despised Sweden's welfare state, though He loved and blessed the reigning dynasty.”

 

But all this is merely a prelude to MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR's glorious revelations with respect to smoking:

 

“Through his German connections, Tolkien had spoken with Wehrmacht soldiers who had developed a taste for Russian cigarettes while serving in the Eastern Front during WWII. BUQ entry in page 215, describes his first and only attempt to smoke Russian cigarettes:

'Blergh!'

This was the incident that cemented Tolkien's views of that régime.

The best cigars were those of the Haradrim (Hollandrim; but now FATS has of course overtaken them with our home-cured products made by indentured students on the tobacco-farms of Valabama), though their tongue seems closer to Westron than had been surmised. 'Westron sounded like Sindarin spoken with hot potato in mouth lkjhgfds' says Tolkien in His Final Entry.”

 

 

BUQ-COW: Book I, Chapter 1

MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR displayed his customary brilliance in analysing this chapture:

“A detail of great importance in this chapter, easily missed, only detectetable by a vague remark in a BUQ footnote, is the mention of voluntary assistant postmen being recruited to deliver all the party invitations. Without the remark in BUQ, we would never have known that it was this seemingly harmless incident which made Lotho to realise that there was a great reserve of idle and able hands, belonging to manipulatable youth, which could be easily organised to both works fair and foul - as he then did by reorganising the shirrifs to his private militia - thus making it a comment by Tolkien against the evils of volunteerism.

 

Questions:

 

Why did Bilbo use CAPS in the present-labels? Did he not understand that this was against the ETIQUETTE?? Is this a clue by Tolkien that Bilbo was indeed beyond redemption, even though he had no heart to say this openly, until in the very final notes of BUQ?

When Gandalf leaves Bag-End, Frodo observes he looks bent, as if carrying a great weight. Was weightlifiting one of Bilbo's hobbies, and why would Gandalf have stolen one of his weights without telling Frodo?”

In response to the Viceregent Pseudonymus's enquiry about why TOLKIEN damned Bilbo (“ And had Tolkien ceased to honor St. Bjälbo towards the end of the BUQ, or why did He damn him? Was it for quitting smoking?), MORAMBAR stated:

“This was a dilemma that greatly troubled Tolkien in his later years. In a footnote of the famous BUQ passage of Frodo's 'eternal bliss', he wrote: 'I wanted to save Bilbo, but in the end I had to admit the truth[...] It must often be so, that when writing bestsellers, some must be sacrificed. And there is no way the ship would have been admitted a passage to the West with Bilbo still on board, even though this pains me greatly."'

Mr. Udunvagor made further response to queries and critiques as would-be pseudo-scholars injected themselves into the discussion:

"! We must not go around second guessing every word that Tolkien wrote! If we ignore Tolkien's own words, what kind of scholars would we be??

Tolkien wrote about express trains, p's and q's, and pizza parlours, so why not expressionist paintings as well? Of course the Middle-Earth equivalent would be something like "The Mog" by Rohanian artist Eomünch.

By the way, it was mentioned in earlier post that volunteerism was a cornerstone of FATS - this was naturally before we had learned that Tolkien despised volunteerism. After that the Founding Cornerstone of FATS was changed to Mandatorism, as it always has and always will be!”

The Count vomited some irrelevant if not pernicious Balrog rubbish about wightlifting being a popular Rogsylvanian sport and added, with disgusting familiarity:

“would you care for some hobbit alla pipa, by the way?”

AS YOU CAN SEE, HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO CAPITALIZE PROPERLY. And there was more teuncy nonsense about My Fair Hobbit, where allegedly the Nazgul sing "Just you wight, Frodo Baggins, just you wight" as they stab him on Weathertop, and there's a scene where they teach him to pronounce the ringverse in proper Black Speech.

 

Horus Engels as usual made a revolutionary contribution to the subject:

“Morgil is sleeping in R'lyeh and dreaming of colours out of space that, you, oh Master, will deliver unto the unhallowed, not to those who would praise Tolkien in decidedly liquorish voices.”

And was incisively critiqued by Mr. Udunvagor:

“Do not mock. Tolkien Himself only spoke with great reluctance and distain about the Cult of Dagon, which worshipped the Watcher of Water as a demigod - a result of mating between Ossë and a female Balrog called Galapaghâsh. For Tolkien opposed darwinism in all its vile and deplorable forms. ('Social darwinism' doesn't count.)”

In response to Pseudonymus's query about why Tolkien named the land of wine Darwinion, MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR clarified:

“It reminded Him of France and He wanted to give it the most demonical name He could imagine at the moment. Some people also say he named Balrogs after Bourbon for that same reason.”

The Count made some imbecilic remark about balrogs inventing bourbon, which we will not include here. We do not post silly garbage.[No comment--the Count]

 

 

BUQ-COW I.2

Thus saith MORAMBAR, the Decider, the Inexorable, the Incorrigible:

“In this chapter Sam worries that his 'old dad would take on so', if Gandalf would turn him into something 'unnatural'. Implication is that Sam's father would not mind if his son was transformed into something natural, such as a goat or perhaps a spotted toad as Frodo suggests. What is Tolkien trying to say with this?

We must remember that Sam was the only one of Tolkien's heroes who was not of noble birth, and he is often used by Modernists, as an example that Tolkien believed that even the people from lower classes were able to do great and heroic deeds. But was Tolkien playing a trick on them? Considering his loathing for such ideals, this seems probable.

Perhaps this small detail was a delicate clue Tolkien left behind for a careful reader to observe that Gaffer was not in fact Sam's real father, which would explain his indifference to his son's horrible fate. If Sam was either conceived by a frolicking young nobleman, who enjoyed seducing young peasent girls, or a lovechild of a young unmarried noblewoman, abandoned to avoid the scandal, it would also explain neatly how Sam was able to rise to the level and above of Merry and Pippin.

This was the only issue to come up from this rather mundane chapter, which is only interesting as it displays a populist side of Tolkien, attempting to appease the grand public with popularily approved and simplistic views of 'good and evil'. But this was of course necessary as it abled him to get through his more controversial views, so I tend to be forgiving. Still, I cringe when I read lines such as the 'deserves to die' claptrap from Gandalf...”

Lustmolch's commentary on the chapter controversially suggests that “TOLKIEN FOUND THE IDEA OF A TOAD SURROUNDED BY GARDEN SNAKES TO BE A TURN-ON” (???). The peccadillos of the Uebermensch are beyond our ken.

Pseudonymus has expanded upon Mr. Udunvagor's views and made some queries on his own account:

“Yes, to me it seemed painfully obvious that the rise of Mordor represented the 1932 Social Democratic victory in Sweden, or perhaps the Spanish Republic. Did Tolkien have a particular loathing for Catalan painters, by the way?

We have an ongoing project at FATS (Fredonian Academy of Tolkien Studies) to ennoble people by injecting noble blood into their veins. It's too early to give out results.”

MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR clarified:

“Results were disappointing. Next time we will use matching blood-types. Unless the test subjects are slaves, in which case they are required to change their blood-type to match the provided blood.”

 

 

BUQ-COW I.3

The Viceregent Pseudonymus has made a significant contribution to our understanding of TOLKIEN's sacred Text:

"'Three is company.' The very name is suggestive. Frodo, Pippin, and Sam constitute a company, i.e., a business enterprise. They are already in secret revolt against hobbit-socialism. Further, there is no evidence that they paid their employees, which raises an interesting question about the validity of
the very concept of wages.

Other questions:

1. We read that Frodo wanted to follow Bilbo. Does this mean that Frodo risks sharing Bilbo's damnation? And just what is the connexion between Bilbo and the Spanish city of Bilbao. Bilbao, located in the Basque country, was probably a haven of Communist partisans. Is this not relevant to Bilbo's fate?

(Frodo also expresses the desire to see Elrond. An earlier version, recorded in the BUQ, says that Frodo wanted to enlist with El Caudillond.)

2. I wish that, in recording Frodo's sale of Bag End to the Sackville-Bagginses,Tolkien had said more about real-estate practices, and, preferably, advice about sub-prime mortgage lending. Does the BUQ shed any light on that?

3.The BUQ does have a little more about the feud with the Sackville-Bagginses. Lobelia was evidently at first named Lobelia Borgia, and Lotho was named Cosimo. Evidently, quite a bit of poisoning went on. Did Lobelia have a disgusting affair with Frodo?

4. I will pass over the Black Riders to avoid causing offense. But I would like to observe that the Talking Fox was once far more important than in the published works, and played the role of a comic-relief villain alla Sir Hiss in the Disney Robin Hood.

 

Dr. Lang said something and was justly rebuked by our CEO:

“You FOOL! Everyone knows Black Adder was the name of the Haradrim leader that Theoden killed in the Battle of Pelennor. Read the Book and then read the BUQ, before you dare to speak here again.”

PS. Tolkien despised Scanians for their misguided rebellings against the True Kings of Sweden. And He was right!”

 

Dr. Lang then made some comment abut Gutnish taxation, to which the Viceregent responded:

“However, he devotes a large section of the BUQ (pp. 342-405) to extolling the merits of the flat tax, and suggests that the wealthiest members of society shouldn't really be taxed at all.”

 

And MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR added his own wisdom regarding this chapter, which ties in with Pseudonymus's remarks about mortgage lending:

“I would add this statement by Gildor: 'But it is not your own Shire... Others dwelt here before hobbits were; and others will dwell here again when hobbits are no more. The wide world is all about you: you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot for ever fence it out.'

Clearly Tolkien was not familiar with the modern fencing techniques when he wrote this comment, but what did he mean when he said Shire was not Frodo's own? Any educated guesses?”

The Viceregent theorized:

“Was he threatening Frodo with a lawsuit? As I recall, Elves claimed all of Middle-earth on account of prior occupancy, but mortals maintained that the statute of limitations had run out. Personally, I think terrestrial life-forms have an attitude.”

(Then MORAMBAR ate a Potterite.)

 

 

BUQ-COW I.4

MORAMBAR hath revealed his accustomed hermenutical acumen in analysing this chapter:

“This chapter is particularily interesting, as it presents perhaps the most important character in the book - Farmer Maggot. Farmer Maggot was doubtlessly the Wisest of all Hobbits. It was his idea that the hobbits would use VAGGON to travel the ROAD. It takes great wisdom to come up with such a simple, yet brilliant solution. The statement of Bombadil only confirms this obvious truth.

But this poses a dilemma. If Maggot was indeed so wise, why did he advocate lenience toward crime?? After all, we are told that he let a three-time offender to go with a warning, instead of having him jailed in the Lockholes for 75 years, as would have been the right thing to do. The only possible story external explanation is that Tolkien misunderstood His own thoughts of this matter, because obviously He would not think that such liberal spinelessness would be the Right Thing to do, or that anything Good might ever come from such soft-handedness towards crime. Because how could Frodo have been supposed to be the one to carry the Ring, if he was actually supposed to be rotting in jail for his sins??

The only possible story internal explanation clears out only part of this dilemma. When we think about what we know of Farmer Maggot, this description by Bombadil stands out: "There’s earth under his old feet, and clay on his fingers; wisdom in his bones, and both his eyes are open". Notice - old feet, and references to clay and earth. Who would Bombadil - the oldest - consider old?? There's no doubt in my mind, that Farmer Maggot was a Maia, probably one of Aule's people, perhaps in charge of the clay department.

This would of course explain why he let Frodo go with just a warning - the Ainur were notorious for their lenience in dealing with criminals, as evident from the Melkor parole hearing. It does not however, explain why Eru would have chosen a criminal who should have been behind bars for another 50 years, to carry out the most important quest of the Age. Hence - the only explanation is that Tolkien misunderstood something somewhere along the line, as much as it pains me to say this. May BUQ, and your generous donations comfort me in this difficult time...”

***

Horus Engels commented with one of his most radical analyses yet:

“An old rat with big ears and a long, scaly tail. Thus are our enemies thwarted. Find horny housewives at the website Hellhound.whorehound.com.”

To this mysterious nugget of wisdom, the Balrog Count Menelvagor had the effrontery to reply:

“I thought a gentleman of your calibre would have better taste in women.” Well! That certainly advances our understanding of the text – NOT!

***

Derridina has contributed to the dialogue with the following, which clearly builds on the foundation laid by Mr. Udunvagor and Dr. Engels:

“Liek yo d00d lol! I liek hav3 l0ts a d33p th0ughts about this chapt3r but first I'd b3tter introduc3 mys3lf n stuff. I'm D3rridina n t3ach T0lkine lit3rary c00lness at FATS WTF.

N I r3wr0ted LOTR fr0m a liek t0dally radically alt3rnativ3 p0int a vi3w of a girl frum tha 21st c3ntury wh0 th0ughted sh3 wuz ordanary but iz r33ly a carnati0n of Isis n Galandriel n stuf. I think M0ramber iz liek way kewl cuz hez liek g0th-n0ir n he g0ts ir0nic distanc3. N stuff. LOL

I think this chapt3r iz a radickle critiqu3 of b0th tha war 0n drugz n Timuthy L33ry'z lik3 c0mmodification of alt3red c0nsci0usnes. Thatz why Pippen cant think at brekfast cuz thought impli3s a critiqu3 of h0w todally bad hiz hair iz.

3lvez tell Sam n0t 2 leav3 Fr0do cuz th3y want 2 keep him subalt3rn or mayb3 cuz hiz haer wuz bad 2 n needz a mak3over cuz hiz a3sthetick iz todally n0t kewl.

I think all tha stuf whare th3y're scairt of black rid3rz iz racist. The rid3rz didnt hurt any0ne. Wy didnt thay try 2 b3 nice? Mayb3 Tolki3n iz sayin her3 that teh g00dguyz r jerks that t0daly undermin3s narritive exp3ctati0ns d00dz.

Maggots addict3d 2 b0th mushr00mz n li3k pr0perty. Prop3rty iz th3ft s0 he'z a hippocrite witch iz why h3 turnt g00d n guv Fr0f0 n stuf tha shr00mz but I think he'z stil a bit a lam3r. LOL”

***

Pseudonymus continues and adds nuance to Mr. UDUNVAGOR's brilliant analysis:

“Great CEO, if I may ... is it possible Frodo was given the Ring as a punishment? Perhaps Gandalf figured that Sauron would kill Frodo and take the Ring, and that this would be a condign punishment for his evil deeds?”

***

Mr. Noel von Schneiffel has made a slightly non-trivial contribution to the ongoing debate:

“I have an alternate explanation to offer. I base this on the Silmarillion quote about Aule and Yavanna, where Yavanna complains to Manwe that the Dwarves are felling her trees, and Manwe comforts her by revealing the existence of the Ents.

If Maggot is indeed a Maia of Aule, responsible for Clay – Master Morambar's argumentation in this point is, as usual, flawless - then his farming and devouring of Mushrooms is nothing less than enslavement of olvar. (Mushrooms, though not plants in the strictest definition of biology, are immobile and rooted and therefore clearly olvar, not kelvar.) In this case, Frodo would not steal, but liberate the mushrooms in a re-enactment of the old Aule-Yavanna struggle. In this case, Frodo would be a tool of Higher Beings and could not be blamed for his actions.”

 

MORAMBAR's response makes fairly short work of Schneiffel's hermeneutic:

“It is not my understanding that mushrooms have roots. What we call a mushroom, or "shroom", is merely an extension of the underground fungus organism. Their nature and purpose is more similar to the fruits - hence it would be acceptable to cultivate and gather them for food, as the Entwives
did in their gardens. (of course we can't strictly rule out the possiblity taht the mushrooms of Middle-earth were not similar to our mushrooms in this aspect, without a direct statement by Tolkien) But in this light your theory must remain questionable.”

***

Lastly, a random seeker after wisdom proposed:

“My Lord: Is it possible, nay likely, that this sage Maggot had an even more clever plan? The riches of the Old Forest, close at hand and unmolested, and all that stood in the way of many fine Ikea specials a strange old fellow in yellow boots? But how to elliminate this inconvenient and watchful guardian, why, have him put on the Ring! As we all know, the plan failed, Bombadil resisted, Old Man Willow did not become a wicker patio set.”

This makes good sense. How could Maggot be wise and not be out for a buck?

 

 

BUQ-COW I.5

The Viceregent Pseudonymus the Jellyfish offers a trenchant analysis of this chapter:

In the name of TOLKIEN, the irresistible, the inexorable!

Tolkien seems in this chapter to take an over-lenient view of conspiracy. If the conspiracy included Sam and Sam was a proletarian, the affair savours of trade unionism, which is abhorrent to all TOLKIEN-fearing folk.

Happily, the conspiracy was run by rich nobles, and Sam, though not (yet) rich, undoubtedly had noble blood, as MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR proved. So maybe it was more like a conspiracy to control trade monopolistically, which is praiseworthy.

Bucklanders were "half-foreigners." Given that Frodo was raised in Buckland, was he an illegal immigrant, or did he have a green card?

Merry, in my opinion, is too smart. A bit of a liberal elitist.

However, the chapter is really about FATS Country Homes. Call today at 1-800-FAT-HOME!”

Mr. Udunvagor has brought up "the interesting question of why did Bolger try to stop them from going to the Old Forest. We're all adults, so I believe we can ignore the fairytale explanations he tried to offer. So what was the real reason? Was he working for some other conspiracy as well?? "

Derridina's analytical prowess refines the issues at hand:

“Btw, d0nt u think B0lger iz a t0dal lam3r. H3 liek sux. Wuz he in tha m0vie 0r did PJ l3ave him 0ut I bet h3 leav3d it 0ut cuz h3 sux.

G0ta g0. I g0t a busy t33chin skedule n this w33k w3re discussin T0lkinz attitud3 2 perms witch iz d33p liek Lacan sez WOW.”

The Viceregent responded to Mr. UDUNVAGOR's penetrating query with a startling hypothesis:

“Great One, does not sacred BUQ reveal that Fredegar Badger enjoyed ravishing virgins after getting them high on Ithilien Pure? Did not his vicious life lead him in the end to MURDER? Perhaps the Old Forest is where he held his infamous séances with 'Pervi' Took, or perhaps he hid the bodies of his victims there?

(You others: if you want to know the sequel, order Death of Heir from FATS by calling 1-800-WHO-DNIT!)”

 

 

BUQ-COW I.6

Derridina revolutionized our understanding of the next chapter:

liek BUQ-COW I.6 OMG

“T0lki3n th0ught treez wuz kewl s0 h0w com3 he liek d0ez nasty st3riotypez on th3m in this chapt3r WTF. Did a tree liek say n0 2 hiz advanc3z but thats kinda Lustmolch n 2 be hon3st that LETS MAEK IT ALL SQUICK SEX appr0ach 2 d0in scholer stuff iz kinda sucky. 0r did h3 git pay3d 2 d0 pr0paganda by tha lumb3r industry s0 thay cud kil m0re treez cuz thayre bad? 0r maybe Tolkine wuz d0in deep ir0ny n tha treez iz r33lly tha g00d guyz n tha h0bbitz iz tha bad guyz n h3 wants us 2 read the int3rstices. WTF

I us3da think Tom Bombadilz po3mz todally sux0red??? but th3n my fr3nd Que3n Sh3lobah h00 liek haz a t0dally aw3s0me harestyl3 made 2 l00k liek a spid3r?? did a hip h0p s0ng bas3d 0n it n it wuz t0dally liek u kn0w?”

Pseudonymus the Viceregent raisea a very important question:

“Are the trees the good guys? I thought they caused pollution.”

MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR responded conclusively:

“It can be said to have said that, or it can be said to have said just the opposite, or it can be said to have said the opposite to that, but with irony, which would make it just the opposite, but it can be said with a certainty, that it certainly says what it means and means what it says, as the original post clearly says, or implies anyway. “

 

 

BUQ-COW I.7

MORAMBAR UDUNVAGOR's usual remarkable originality is obvious in his study of this chapter:

“Tonight I am not my usual cheerful self. Strange and dark thoughts are consuming my mind, uninvitedly arrived, unexplainable reflections from the shadows of subconsciousness, giving me a gloomy and foul mood...

But nevertheless, here be the next chapter of B**-C** project, disguised to avoid censorshippers and other enemies of Men: Tom Bombadil in the House. Do I care? Does anyone? Who knows these things. Saturn devoured his children - are we any better? Blood washes so easily from a bright blade, the mad lady in the attic sings a sad, sad song...

Yet it is curious how Goldberry feels less strange and nearer to mortal heart then Elves, to Frodo. In Athrabeth, mortals are called Guests, who are only visitors in this world, which thereby will always feel strange to them, while their true home is somewhere beyond its circles. Is Goldberry perhaps a mysterious emissary from the True Home of Mortals, thus both marvellous and yet not strange? And if so, what is her message and purpose in this realm? Is it merely to remind Frodo where he truly belongs, to help him resist both the temptations of the Ring, and the promise of an eternal life in the Undying Lands as well? But in this case, would she not have failed at her task? Or was it Tolkien who failed in this final test?

'As the Twilight of Life has settled upon me, I have observed of finding great comfort from thoughts of Frodo and his eternal bliss.'
-JRRT, footnote, page 23, BUQ

Yes BUQ, my only comfort, my only friend - speak to me your wisdom...

Other issues:

We already discussed Farmer Maggot, the Maia of Clay, earlier.

How many legs does Sauron have, he who masters the weather of Mordor?

I will reveal the answer to who is Tom Bombadil later, when I'm on a better mood. That's all for now.

Morambar,
eternally cursed to walk between the Shadow and the Flame...”

 

Pseudonymus contributed magisterially to the “Sauron legs issue” (what Tollmann has called the “Sauronbeinenfrage”):

“The Balrogs say he loved Shelob, who had eight. But who believes their lies? I suspect he had none at all. They're overrated anyway.”

MORAMBAR continued the dialogue:

“Indeed, Gollum, the only eyewithness, only counted his fingers, but says nothing of toes, we have a confirmation! But then - what did he walk on? Tentacles? A Thing of Slime? Do we have any correlating phenomenons on the mythologies Tolkien knoweth and loveth?”

 

The Balrogs have muddied the waters with their own lies and flames:

“We've been discussing Tom Bombadil at ROG-COLI [Balrog "University" for non-Balrog students], and have come up with some interesting discoveries:

We found that, in the original MS., Tom Bombadil arrives at Minas Tirith and assaults the Nazgul with his nunchakus (sp?), and then fights a single combat with Sauron. It's very cinematic, so it's regrettable that PJ didn't know about this MS. Christopher Tolkien suppressed it because he feared that people would laugh at it. [Not half as much as they'll laugh at your shoddy scholarship, Count!--FATS Admin]”

Bagronk, one of the leading orc-scholars, adds: "Their singing contest [between TB and Sauron] was to be the climax of Book VI. Of course, Bombadil suffered a devastating defeat since a) Sauron had been secretly training with Finrod and b) in the midst of the contest, Tom was bound and gagged by the Gondorians, who had come to the conclusion that world domination by Sauron would be less torturous than this."

 

 

BUQ-COW I.8

The Count of Monte Fato's analysis of this chapter is beyond the comprehension of normal mind:

“Je trouve ce chapitre affreusement ennuyeux. La seule chose qu'on puisse supporter, c'est le Barroue-Whig, qui est un homme de mérite et, plus rare encore, de goût. Il invite les hobbites à partager sa bouillabaisse, mais les hobbites sont anglais et n'ont point de goût, ni d'esprit, de sorte qu'ils hurlent de terreurs. Quels idiots !

Malheureusement, Tom vient les << sauver >> en chantant des vers fort execrables qui mettent le Barroue-Whig en fuite. Bah ! Tolkien n'en savait rien.”

MORAMBAR'S additions and corrections to Monte Fato's discoveries are every bit as remarkable:

“Yes, yes. I would have phrased it slightly differently, but you make a valid point. All and all, great summary of a rather mundane chapter. Solid work, Monsjour. Bon. Le bon.

One issue I would like to add. During his rewriting process, Tolkien pondered long and hard about stating that the entire sequence between entering the Old Forest and when they found themselves outside the Bree, would simply be a group hallucination brought forth by bad mushrooms, but eventually he decided to leave it vague and let the readers decide for themselves. Therefore the decision to leave Bombadil out of the movie version, IS completely faithful to Tolkien's original intent.

Questions:

Did Tolkien intend Barrow-Whigts(notice the original spelling, altered by the publisher) to represent the very ancient enemies of Conservatives, whose remenants still haunted England's political arena at His time, or was this just an amusing linguistic coincidence, such as the Atalante-Atlantis connection?

If it was all a dream, where did they get the swords? I'm sorry - that would be a stupid question. This was Middle-Earth, remember! You couldn't dig more then a feet anywhere, without bumping into a hidden troll-treasure or an old weapon stash. Nothing to boggle.”

 

Pseudonymus the Viceregent has commented on Mr. Udunvagor's commentary:

“Surely nothing produced by TOLKIEN can have been a coincidence?

And he wrote a sketch of Gladstone in The Wanderings of Hurin that was almost cruel, though Christopher X tried to cover it up, as usual. Liberal whiner.

Decider! We are fielding an avalanche of questions on Bombadil! We've had to create a whole new 1-900 number for enquirers, with a recorded message telling them: "Morambar alone knows." It's becoming a PR and administrative nightmare!

The Count of Monte Fato just came in, looked over my shoulder, and muttered, 'Quelle blogue! Qu'importe de ce brigand de Bombadile! Ce sont des imbéciles que cela!'”

MORAMBAR issued a memo:

“The Truth about Tom Bombadil will be revealed when we receive a clear Sign that the people are ready for it. That is my final word for now. Accursed Faqqistas and "humorists" are to be blamed for this delay.” (Faqqistas are wicked Christopher-worshipping fools.)

 

 

BUQ-COW I.9

Noel Q. von Schneiffel actually provided a fairly decent analysis of this chapter:

“Ave, amici mei!

This chapter is brilliant. Of course, they are all brilliant, for Tolkien was a brilliant man, a genius unparalleled [He is far more than that], and I am His humble servant. Lege Tolkien every hora, atque spread His vox in fora!

One thing worth pondering, I think, is the architecture of Bree. Not far into the chapter, I stumbled over this peculiar remark: "The village of Bree had some hundred stone houses of the Big Folk". When I built my temple back in my world-conquering days, I learned the hard way how heavy bricks can be. How did the Bree-folk manage to build 100- stone houses? (1 stone = 6.35kg, 100 stone = 635kg; a car can easily weigh more than 1000kg!) Aerated concrete? Bamboo? Reed? Helium bags under the roof? We are also told that the Prancing pony had "two wings". That and the abnormnally low weight, and you start to wonder - could these houses fly? Was Bree a mobile village? The "Prancing" Pony, indeed! That would also explain why travel between the Shire and Bree had decreased. Maybe Bree had just drifted further away?

Another thing: One can only bow in awe before Tolkien's wisdom. Only since the Apollo missions - and the installation of laser reflectors on the moon surface - we know for sure that the moon slowly drifts away from Earth, at a speed of about 3.8cm per annum. However, Tolkien already knew that in the 1940s! How else can we explain Frodo's song and the fact that "the cow jumped over the moon"? I have tried to empirically test how high a cow can jump. I went to a field and pricked 100 random cows' behinds with knitting needles. I measured the highest of the ensuing jumps as 124.3cm. (It was a young, strong cow, and I had used my longest and sharpest needle.) We can therefore safely deduce: Tolkien knew the moon was much closer to Earth in the Third Age. In fact, when Bilbo composed the song, the moon was not farther away from Earth than 124.3cm. Now I am starting to wonder if that was why hobbits evolved? Because anyone taller than four feet would have been constantly killed by the moon crashing into his forehead, a clear evolutionary disadvantage.

PS: Please, please don't ask 'if Bree could fly, why didn't they steer it to Mount Doom and drop the ring there'. Given how easy it was for the Nazgûl to attack Bree, that would be a very childish question indeed. Don't waste my valuable time with that, i have better things to do. I wonder if the cows will jump higher when I drug them before pricking?”

Count Tildanor the Balrog trolled, very “cleverly”; we include this not as a genuine contribution to knowledge, but as a cautionary example:

“You do have a point, since there are flying castles, after all. As it happens, I was alive during the Third Age, and I'm trying to remember anything about Bree, but all that comes to mind is that the inhabitants went well with cheese.

I do have a query about you theory of hobbit evolution: what about the 7-foot-tall Dúnedain?”

Noel replied, trying to make a silk purse out of a Balrog's flame:

“I see no problem with the 7-foot Dúnedain. I quote Butterbur on Strider: 'Goes about at a great pace on his long shanks; though he don't tell nobody what cause he has to hurry.' Maybe the Dúnedain developed their long legs, keen sight and alertness so they could outrun the moon when it approached. Running away from predators is a valid survival strategy as well. Their slower or more lazy relatives had to shrink to make it.

One more interesting thing: According to Gimli's song in Moria, in Durin's time - who was a very short fellow as well - 'no stain yet on the Moon was seen'. This may indicate that either a) the moon stains are slight damage on the moon surface from these accidents or b) they are dried human blood. I know a couple of balrogs who would find option b) rather romantic.”

Pseudonymus the Viceregent built upon this foundation, showing its true significance, something Noel, for all his talent, did not grasp:

“So, what REALLY shrank the hobbits must have been their welfare state, which encouraged idleness, while the neoliberal Numenoreans prized individual initiative and therefore grew tall by their own exertions, possibly literally pulling themselves up by their bootstraps.”

Dr. Lång indulged in some irrelevant trolling; what a surprise:

“Another fact about Middle-earth which has been mysteriously ignored is that Denethor and Gandalf were both in the acting business. Perhaps that is because, being the primadonnas they were, they used Frech words instead of speaking English. Here is an exchange between them in 'The Siege of Gondor'.

Gandalf: 'A sortie must be made ready.'
Denethor: '[Yada yada I know everything long before you do.] As for the sortie, I had already given thought to it. Let us go down.'

Notice how they are jockeying for position. Gandalf says that a 'sortie' (exit) must be made, and Denethor says: 'I already thought of that! Let's go down to the greenroom.' Now, if those two thespians had used a good old Anglo-Saxon... ulp! I mean Latin [and that confusion, unfortunately, gives a pretty good clue as to the value of Dr. Lång's "research"] ... word like 'exit' instead of 'sortie', then everybody would have realized that the rivalry between Denethor and Gandalf was really that of two actors vying for the top billing.”

 

 

BUQ-COW I.10

Derridina contributed this brilliant but controversial analysis:

“LIEK YO STID3R GIT A FASHI0N SENSE D00D

Hi this is tha BUQ-COW essay f0r b00k I, chapt3r 10. i disguis3d it so it c0uld git thru tha cens3rship a tha patriarky. LOL

This chapter iz call3d Strid3r cuz Strider 0r Arag0rn (h3 haz lotza nam3z cuz hez d0in a mis3 en qu3stion of id3ntity n stuf) iz kinda cut3 but not az cut3 az Orli n Figgy cuz 3lvez r kewler n haev bett3r hare n Aragonz OK but hiz heir iz kinda crap. Thatz cuz its all ab0ut a3sthetics d00dz.

Aesth3tics liek creates a id3ntity that r3lates 2 tha 0ther ethicly. WTF OMG LOL!!!``~~!!111!!1. Thatz wy Gandalfs l3tter sez 'u can trust tha landl0rd h3z kewl.' Itz tha ethics st00pid.

N wy duz Gandalf say hez g0nna r0ast Nutterbur. Itz Cuz hiz c0ffee wuz crap. Hiz b333r wuz good but hiz c0ffee wuz a sux s0rry ab0ut teh judg3m3ntals n imp0sin my tast3s as a ess3ntialism but rilly.

N M3rry runned away frum tha Riderz cuz h3 wuzzed racist n T0lkin wuz racis cuz all strait wit3 guyz iz cuzza patriarky ykn0w. Geez. We mustnt b3 ess3ntiaism th0ugh s0me guyz r n0t but that m3ans they tr0pe non white guyz d00ds.”

Dr. von Schneiffel replied:

“We're not living in a patriarchy, at least not anymore. As it is my habit, I tried to back this claim up with scientific proof. In a great act of personal sacrifice, I fathered 15 random daughters and then ordered them to do stuff. Result: 2 obeyed, 8 laughed at me, and 5 slapped me in the face. Patriarchy, my arse.”

MORAMBAR deigned to accept von Schneiffel's statement:

“True. The present state could be best described as Fanarchy. This is why FATS operates under a Mandate from Tolkien. Nobody laughs at Tolkien!”

The Viceregent Pseudonymus added:

“Indeed, Master!

The truth is that even in FATS, females have far too much power. This is shown by the fact that my semi-coercive sexual endeavors in the direction of the secretaries there keep coming to naught.

Not to mention how Edith treated Tolkien in the famous giraffe incident.

When I pointed these things out to Derridina just now, first she laughed, then she said 'Y0u d00dz todally n33d 2 git a clu3 d00d.'"