D3RRIDINA DOEZ HOGWARTZ

 

 

Chapter 1. D3RRIDINA GETS THA SQUIRR3L

D3rridina wuz like b0rned in a br0th3l becuz thay knu vold3mort wudnt l00k in ther3 n sh3 wuz hidd3n becuz sh3 wuz part hous3elf part c3ntaur part m3rmaid part human, so tha d3th eaterz wud be aft3r h3r n sh3 wuz pr0ph3sied 2 be the gratest witch in hist0ry n she wud kil Voldamort n Harry P00ter wud be h3r sidekick n luv intr3st n stuff. H3r par3nts got kilt by voldamort hoo made th3m reed fanfik till thay gagged n di3d a horribl d3th. That wuz nasty.

D3rridina g0t lots of angst frum that but aft3rwurdz it g0t wors cuz sh3 wuz not only razed by mugglez who hated magik, sh3 wuz rased by pimps n pr0stitutes ho hat3d magic, s0 a million y33rz of therapy 0r ev3n reading p0stcolonial th3ory cudnt h3lp. Sh3 had incr3dibl p0werz n cud m00ve montains n r33d mindz n stuft but sh3 didn’t kno how 2 us3 h3r powerz n thot she wuz 0ut uv h3r mind cuz no on cud d0 such stuff, s0 thinkin she losed h3r mind gav3 her lotz ov angst. N stuff. Though h3r p0werz did come in handy if tha pimp whoo’d adopt3d h3r tri3d 2 doo anything discusting 2 h3r.

Sumtim3s she ternd invizzable n visited Harryz skool n pr0tected Hary frum tha bullys but sh3 cud only doo this wen she cud giv3 the brothel peepel tha slip cuz thay w3re buzy appar3ntly floutin s0cietal n0rmz but reely oppr3ssin wimminz. n sh3 w3nt 2 a nasty inn3r city skool with lotz ov gang crap g0ing on.

Th3n wen sh3 wuz 11 she start3d getting 0wl litterz sayin sh3 wuz g0in ta Hogwartz. n sins sh3 livd in LA sh3 didn’t kn0 h0w sh3 wuz g0in ta get thare 0r get h3r accessories cuz sh3 didn’t know whare Diagony Ally wuz. But f0rtunatly tha br0th3l wuz right next 2 a nu ag3 store n tha stuff wuz way bett3r then the stuff in Digonle Aly n h3r par3ntz had l3ft h3r lots ov munny but had cl3verly hidd3n it in the libery cuz n0 one w3nt thare. N sh3 knowed this cux she did. Th0ugh wh3n I say “kn0” I don’t imply that conv3ntional vi3wz of knowledge r “tru3.”

Th3n Dumbeldor caem 2 tha br0th3l n I don’t kn0 wut h3 did ther3 but wen h3 wuz doned he picked up D3rridina n t00k h3r 2 Hogwartz cuz sh3 wuz 2 imp0rtent 2 l33ve 2 hagrid who wuz bizzy with Hary innyway.

N th3n when it caem tim3 2 put 0n tha s0rtin hat it decided that sh3 wuz so brilliant that sh3 belonged in all 4 h0us3s. sh3 spended the 1st nite in grifundor3 with H3rminey.

“I KNO EVRYTHING” sed Herminey.

“NO U DON’T. EV3N I DON’T KNO 3VRYTHING BUT I KNO MOR3 THEN U CUZ IM D3STINED” sed Derridina.

“Y3AH RITE” sed Herminy. But D3rridina just smil3d.

D3rridina w3nt 2 chat with Harry n R0n.

“HARY R00LZ CUZ HE’Z DESTINED,” s3d R0n.

“KEWL, S0 AM I” sed D3rridina.

“I DON’T KNO ANYTHING N IM D00MED CUZ TH3 OTHER WIZERDZ WIL FRY ME” sed Harry.

“N0 THAY WON’T. U GOTTA B3LI3VE IN URSELF” sed Derridina n sh3 did a s0ng n danse rooteen n everyone joint in.

n0w 3vryone knu about Hary havin a density but thay didn’t kn0 about Derridina cuz it wuz k33pt secr3t so Harry cud be a dee-coy.

Malfoy went 2 Derridina n sed: “U SUK CUZ UR NOT PUREBR3D N AM3RIKINZ SUX CUZ THAY DON’T HAV3 N0 CLASS.”

But D3rridina s3d “SHUT UP AM3RICUNZ R KEWL CUZ W3 HAVE ALL THA KEWL P0P CULTCH3R (SP?) N HARESTILES N THE B3ST P0STMOD3RN THEERY PEEPL N UR P3RPETUATIN 0UTMODED P0WER STRUCTURZ N IM D3SCENTED FROM ISIS N SHAZAM WICH IS B3TTER THEN U CUZ THAYRE IN SATT3RDAY CART00NZ N UR INCESTORS ARNT N ID RATH3R B3 MIX3D BLOOD TH3N W3IRD INBRED W33RDOZ LI3K U N PUR3BRED SOUNDZ LIKE A D0G N I B3T UR MOTH3RZ NA3M WUZ SW33T POLLY PUERB3D N UR A STRUCTURALIST SO U SUX SO BUG 0FF.” 3veryon laffed whil3 malfoy slunk away.

Thay wented 2 Snapes class, n snap3 sed: “50 POINTZ FRUM GRIFF3NDOOR BECUZ U SUCK POTT3R.”

“ST0P B3IN A JERK SNAP3” sed D3rridina.

“50 MORE POINTZ FRUM GRIFFUMDOR” sed Snap3.

“IM N0T IN GRIFF3NDOOR IM IN ALL THA H0UZES CUZ THA HAT KNU IM G00D ENUFF F0R ALL OF THEM N U CANT TAK3 P0INTZ FRUM M3 OR PUT ME IN DET3NSHUN, 0NLY DUMBOD00R CAN D0 THAT CUZ IM SPECIAL N UR AUTH0RITARIN M0DEL OF SKOOL GOV3RNANCE IZ PASSÉ” s3d D3rridina.

“0H? WEL ILE HAFTA TALK 2 DUMMELDORE AB0UT THAT” sed Snap3.

“U D0 THAT” s3d D3rridina with a laugh. Th3n she mad3 a p3rfect kewln3ss poti0n that mad3 wh0ever dranked it kewl.

N Herminey wuz jellous cuzzed D3rridina wuz at th3 head of all tha class3s, s0 sh3 sed “UR NOT AZ SMART AZ U THINK U AR GRRL.”

N Derridina laft n s3d “L0L UR 3GO IZ EVEN BIGG3R TH3N UR HARE MINEY.” But th3n Derridina f3lt bad for Miney cuz sh3 wuzzed lon3ly n no 0ne lik3d h3r s0 sh3 made frendz with her. N sh3 interduced her 2 R0n n Hairy. N thay 3xplor3d tha cassle uzin Haryz invizzablety cloak n D3rridinas mist3ry mist that mad3 h3r unpl0ttable n wuz coler-co-0rdinat3d n also D3rridina iz tha 0nly human b3in wh0 can controle p33vz becuz she iz a ghastlemouth.

“THAT WUZ LIKE TODALLY BRILLIANT WEN U DISSED SNAP3 N H3 CUDNT D0 ANYTHIN ABOUT IT” sed R0n. “U LIKE ROOL.”

“SNAP3S TRYIN 2 KIL HAIRY” added Miney. “I SAW HIM D0IN A SP3L DURIN THA QUIDICH GAM3 N HARRYZ BR00M WENTED OUT UV KUNTROLL. BUT I ST0PT HIM.”

“Y3H N H3 WANTS 2 GET THE SAUCERERS STONED” sed Hary. “H3 G0TTED ATTACKED BY FLUFFY. HEZ LIKE 3VIL N STUFF.”

“N0 HEZ N0T EVLE HEZ JUST A J3RK” sed D3rridina. “HE WUZ SAVIN HARY FRUM SQUIRREL. SQUIRREL WAS CURSIN HARY BUT WEN MINY TRIPT HIM THAT BROKED THA SP3L. H3 WANTS 2 BRING BAK VOLDYM0RT.”

“D0NT SAY THA NAM3” s3d r0n.

“DON’T BE WUSSY. EVRYON3 WHOZE KEWL SEZ THA NAME.”

“Y3H BUT HOW DO U KNO AL THIS STUFT?” sed Hary.

“IM N0T GONNA DISCUSS EPIST3MOL0GY CUZ U CAN READ ABOUT THAT IN HUSS3RL BUT I KNOS STUF CUZ IM A LEG LEMON S0 I  REED MINDZ” S3D DERRIDINA. “BUT ENNYWAY W3 GOTSTAS MAKE A PLAN 2 ST0P SQUIRREL SO HE CANT KIL HAIRY. OR ALM0ST KIL HARY CUZ H3 W0NT B ABLE 2 TUCH HARY CUZ HARY WUZ L0VED. BUT GOIN AFT3R HIM WIL STIL B A DRAG S0 ID RATH3R DOO IT IN THA SK00L NOT THA PLAC3 WARE THAYRE KEEPING THA ST0NE. TH3N U N R0N WIL HAV3 MOR TIEM 2 PLAY NINTEND0 N MINEY N M3 CAN DOO EECH UDDERZ HARE CUZ I KNO L0TS UV MAGIK HAR3STILES.”

“Y3H BUT IT MIGHT B3 FUN 2 GET THA SORSER3RS STONED ANYWAY” s3d Hary. “JUST 2 SAY W3 DID.”

“OK” sed D3rridina. “BUT W3RE STOPPING SQUIRR3L FIRST.”

Thay all agr33d n in tha n3xt dark art cla55 d33ridina raz3d her hand.

“WUT” sed Squirr3l.

“I KNO UR 3VIL N U TRI3D 2 KIL HARRY N UR P0SS3ST BY VOLMART” sed D3rridina. “VALMARTZ BAD CUZ HES HOSTI3L (SP?) TAKEOVERIN THA OTH3R WIZ3RDZ N W0NT LET H0USE3LFZ UNIONIZ3.”

“BULCRAP” s3d Squirr3l. “DID U RITE UR ESSAY ON WY VAMPIR3S SUX?”

“AG3S AG0” sed D3rridina. “BUT D0NT CHANG3 THA SUBJ3CT I KNO UR EVLE N IM ST0PPIN U.” n sh3 turnt Squirrelz turbun in2 a t0p hat that l00kt todally lame n woldemart s3d “IM NOT WARIN THIS” n l3ft cuz Squirr3ls nu fashin statem3nt suxed.

Th3n sh3 n the 0therz turnt Squirr3l in2 pacman n he di3d of lamen3ss.

N thay w3nt n g0t thru tha guardins n saw tha st0ne but it wuz lame so thay letted Dumpledore d00 wutev3r with it.

Th3n thay all gots l0tsa p0ints but D3rridina g0t mor then al tha oth3r h0uses put 2geth3r.

Thay w3nted h0me n lif3 for Hary suxed cuz h3 wuzzed at Priv3t Dive n Derridina wuz in tha brothel in LA. Sh3 perswaded tha pimp 2 move the both3l 2 Littl3 Whinging s0 she cud h3lp Hary but thay cudnt mov3 til Augist so Harry stil had 2 hav3 a sucky lif3 with muggl3 lam3rz.

 

Chapter 2. DERRIDINA GITS THA BASILISK THIS DOESNT HAVE MUCH TH30RY S0 ITS KINDA LAM3

Wh3n sh3 wented back 2 Hogwartz Derridina t00k defence aginst tha dark arts with Hary R0n n Miney. Tha teech3r wuz a lam3r n cudnt d00 ennything but Miney thought h3 wuz h0t but D3rridina s3d he wuz dumb n a lam3r. n in tha first clas h3 empti3d a bunch uv pixi3s n tha class n didn’t kn0 tha sp3l but fortunately D3rridina rem3mberd tha spel frum h3r half centore half m3rmade muthder whoo wuz descented from Shazam whood inv3nted tha spel aginst pixeys which wuzzed “pixiez sux cuz thay don’t ware ey3liner” s0 sh3 gotted rid of th3m but she didn’t git good grad3z cuz sh3 cudnt r3member a11 tha stuff tha t3acher clam3d hed done li3k seducing Madam Mim by warin kewl dark glass3s. that 0ne wuz probly troo.

R0nz sist3r Jinny gotted a diry n it wuzzed blank but part of Walmorts s0le wuzzed in th3re n it start3d 2 p0ssez h3r n am3k er danse tha macarena (sp?) but D3rridina recunnized tha sinez n kilt that diry by ritin w33rd theeriez ab0ut whoo shud have s3x with hoo witch gross3d tha diry 0ut so it di3d. but it had alr3ddy maid Jinny g0 down in2 tha chamb3r uv seekrits.

Meandwiles Hary kept h33rin voicez sayin “kil peepl strang3l th3m cuz thay d0nt have kewl scalez n fangz n stuff.” N peepl start3d getting p3t-ro-fi3d wich m33nz thay g0tted hard li3k nale polish n cudnt talk n Hairy g0t blam3d for it cuz h3 cud talk 2 snak3zn p33pl th0ught that meaned h3 wuz evil but Herminy s3d “Itz a bazelisp” n D3rridina sed “that’s kewl cuz my m3rmade half iz immun3 s0 tha baselist cant hert m3 n Hary can talk 2 it cuz h3 knows parcelm0uth wich iz wut snak3z speek s0 lets g0 get rid uv it s0 it w0nt kil Jinny” n Hairry s3d kewl.

S0 thay f0und3d tha chamb3r cuzzed it wuz und3r Myrt3lz bathr00m n Murtl3 had binned murd3rd by Valmart cuz he mak3d h3r s33 tha bask3tlisk n sh3 di3d cuz tha baseliskz fashun s3nse was s0 bad it wud kil enyy0ne. s0 D3rridina n Hary went3d 2 Mertl3z bathr00m n th3n thay went d0wn in2 tha chamb3r ov s3cretz. Tha decore suxed cuz g0th iz kewl but u can ha3v 2 much ov it n Slitherin whoo’d maked it did.

S0 thay w3nt in2 tha chamb3r n Hariy op3ned it by sp33kin (that m33nz talking but wh3n I say M33N I li3k ovioustly d0nt m33n “m33n(-2-say)” 0r vouloir-dir3 in tha s3nse of int3nshun n stuff li3k D3rrida said) pars3lm0uth n tha s3rp3nt wuzzed th3re but Hary teld it 2 cl0se itz eyez s0 it did s0 D3rridina kilt it by t3llin it it didn’t ha3v nales 2 d0 so waring nailpollish wuz kinda dum wich imbarrass3d it s0 it di3d wutch wuz kewl.

S0 Hary Ron n Hermin3y gots l0tz a p0ints tho R0n dint d00 much apart frum sayin st00pid stuff but he wuzzed kewl so got kewl p0intz n D3rridina wuz mad3 Mis Hogwartz s0 sh3 gits 2 ware a bikini at skewl functionz.

S0 thay w3nted bax n li3f dint sux as much 4 Hairy n D3rridina az be4 cuz D3rridina pr0tecked Harry n sh3 scar3d tha pimp in2 b3in less p3rv. That wuz til thay m3tted Harryz Ant Marge wh00 l00kt li3k Marg3 Simpsun but wuz uglier n a j3rk but m0r3 lat3r cuz this chapt3r iz enuff cuz ive finnish3d tha narrativ3 4 this part of tha story n I kno narrative iz inc0mpl3te n hasz apertur3 s0 shut up n wy doez Word currect my 3nglish itz g00d.

 

Chapter 3. D3RRIDINA HAS ANGST CUZ A D3MENTERZ BUT CONKERZ IT N ST0PZ NASTY STUF FROM HAPP3NIN N ALM0ST ST0PS OTH3R STUF FRUM HAPPANING

D3rridina vizzited Hary a lot durin tha sumer witch made the Dirtys Haryz nasty mugg3l  reletiv3z whoo appress3d him li3k tha guy whoo dissed PJ 0pprest me in tha e-mal3 list cuz thay n3gated tha 0th3r w0rse then w3stren civolization wh3n it diss3d the Midd3l 3ast cuz peepl uze hookahs n ware t3bunz n stuff th0 I think valez sux, anyway it mak3d tha Dirtys mor3 barabl3. That wuz until Ant Marg3 ca3m n toled Hary n Derridina “U SUX.”

S0 Hary bl0wed Ant Marg3 up n Derridina punchered her. LOL.

“Sh3 d3served it” sed Harry. “IM L3AVIN.”

“M3 T00 THEN” sed D3rridina. “TH3 BROTH3L SUX RITE N0W CUZ THA PIMP IZ ALWAYZ ST0NED WICH MAK3S HIM PERV.”

“LIKE EEW” sed Hairy. S0 thay l3aved.

“WHARE D0 W3 G0 N0W W3RE OUTCATS N HAVE NOPLACE 2 GO N THA BIG BLACK D0G THAT K33PZ L00KIN AT M3 SCAIRTS M3.” S3d Hary.

“DON’T WURRY” sed D3rridina. “W3L GET PICKTED UP BY A NITE BUS N TAK3D SUMWARE SAF3 N MY L3G LEMONZ T3LL ME THA D0GZ G00D N HEZ G0NED NOW ANYWAY SO WATEV3R D00D.”

“I LUV U” s3d Hary.

Then tha bust cam3d n t00ked th3m 2 Diagony Ally n they met tha li3k Minuster n h3 s3d thay fixt up Marg3 n it wuz n0 big d33l n happ3nz al tha tiem but b3 car3ful cuz S3rious Blake is out n h3z a dang3rus criminal n kilt a buncha p33pl n that’s li3k wh0ah. So thay staid in Agony Aley n sh0pped a lot cuzzed tha stor3z thare like todaly r00l n thay ha3v a h0le stor of nuthin but magick eyeshadd0 that makez ur sole coller-co0rdanated witch iz important cuz wud u like 2 go 2 tha aft3rlife with ur collerz messed up itd l00k todally lame n like dum. N 3vry0ne lust3d 4 tha fireb0lt but Derradina wuzzed mor3 innerest3d in da c0mbe that mak3s ur hare l00k li3k 0rli.

N thay metted R0n n Miney n s3d yo. But th3n Miney got this cat h00 keept tryin 2 kil Ronz rat nam3d Scabb3rz n R0n gotted pist 0ff n thay k33pt fitin n D3rridinaz wizdumb toled her this fightin wuz dum n sh3 tol3d them that n add3d “MY LEG L3MONZ SAY THAT RAT IZ W33RD” but R0n n Miney sed wuttever.

Th3n wh3n thay w3re on tha H0gwarts expr3ss th3re wuz a pr0fess3r in th3ir cumparm3nt h00 wuzzed a sl33p n wuz oviusly p00r n 0ppr3ssed n stuft.

“MY LEG L2MONZ SAY …” beganed Derridina.

“I SIK OV UR LEG LEMMINGZ THAYRE BORIN N U TALK T00 MUCH” s3d R0n. H3 wuz annoyed cuz h3r l3g l3monz hhad call3d hiz rat w33rd.

“DON’T B3 SUCH A LAM3R 0R I WONT D00 UR HARE” sed Derridina.

Th3n sum d3menterz cam3d in n thay w3re ugly n w0re 1ame 50s cloze n hav3d n0 fashiun s3nse n thair handz wuz yucky cuz thay dint uze skin cr33m n 3vry0ne rem3mberd thair wurst mamories n D3rridina r3memberd tha tiem shed binned diss3d at tha pr0m cuz sh3 wuz kewl n had a tragic past n dint conform ta soci3ty cuz F0ucault s3d it wuz crap n th3n 0ne uv tha d3menterz lust3d for h3r n sh3 feel3d it pawin h3r n wuz todaly gr0ssed out 0r shed have h3lpt Harry but tha perf3sser  did in st3d n th3n tha pref3sser gotted rid ov tha dementerz n D3rridina wud hav3 cuz 0ne ov her unkels wuz part d3m3nter so she knowed som anti dam3nter magik but sh3 fergotted cuz sh3 wuz scairt n th3n tha processor gave h3r choklit so sh3 feeled better n sed “I LUV U” but wuz imbarased. N that gived h3r angst.

N aft3r thay g0t 2 sko0l Min3y t00ked s3vral class3z at onc3 n R0n n Haiery didunt kn0 h0w but D3rridina knu but didn’t say n sh3 skipt magical cr33turez cuz sh3 alr3ddy knu all that frum b3in part m3rmade part sentore part hous3elf part humin n related 2 peepl hoo were part dem3nt0r part ent half boggart thr33 quart3rz doxi3 tw0 fiftz weresnale n famly g3t 2gethrz wuz a ri0t. n Hagrid wuz a nic3 guy but l3tz fac3 it as a t3acher h3 suxed. Ev3n my 3nglish teech3r iz bett3r then that n h3 haznt heard ov D3rrida n like t0dally didn’t get my critiqu3 ov cunventiunal orth0graphy. N stuff.

Thay w3nt 2 diviniatiun n perfess3r Tr3lawny s3d “UR D00M3D HARRY U HA3V THA GRIM ITZ A BIG BLACK D0G N MEENZ UR GUNNA DI3.”

“LI3K WH0AH” sed Lav3nda n tha uther grrl.

“LOOKZ MOR3 LI3K N ARMA-DILD0 2 M3” sed Miney.

“LOOX LIKE CRAP 2 ME” sed D3rridina n everywun laffed at h3r grate wizd0m.

But Hary wuz scairt cuz h3 keept seein black dog ev3ryware n D3rridina sed “MY LEG L3MONZ TEL U ITZ FIEN I TOLT U THAT AT L33ST 20 TIEMZ R U SL0W.” N Harry sed “THATZ MEEN IM N0T TALKIN 2 U I LUV MIN3Y SO NYAH.” N Min3y n R0n wernt talking cuz Mineyz cat k33pt tryin 2 kil R0nz rat wich ov c0rse wuz actuerly but I cant tell u that y3t. Th3n thay gotted 0ver it.

N thare wuz l0tza dem3neterz around n thay kept scarin Hary with horable memmeriez a nasty stuff happnin 2 hiz par3ntz n thay came out durin a quidditch (sp?) gam3 n Hary faint3d n Malfoy mad3 fun a him n pert3nded 2 be a dementer n tha dem3nter that lust3d f0r D3rridina wuzzed there n ke3pt p0sitioning h3r wich iz gr0sse n it f0rsed itself 0n her itz scabby handz  d0in duzgustin thingz 2 h3r n tha h0rrer wuz s0 bad n0 0ne but h3r cud have endured it n0t 3ve Britn3y Sp33rz n sh3 gotted tha wurst angst any0ne had 3ven Ana Nicol3 Smut. L00pin wuz g00d n taught3d tham lotza dark kreacherz n h3 teached Hary n D3rridina tha patronis sp3l n Hary g0tted 2 uze it on Malf0y n D3rridina used it on tha rapest dem3nter n kilt it.

N S3rious kept br3akin in n scarin p0rtrates cuz he l00ked li3k a marginaliz3d 0ther n h3 wuz caughted thr3atening R0n with a dagg3r but h3 wuzzed reely aft3r tha rat. N Snap3 thinked Lupin wuz letting Serius in cuz thay useta b3 frendz n thay w3re frendz with Hary Pooterz dad n a kid nam3d Pet3r whoo wuz a luzer but hunged out with th3m cuz thay w3re kewl n thay mak3d tha maraud3rz map n Hary n D3rridina n whatn0t used it 2 get in2 Hogmeed or wutever n find al tha kewl placez ware teecherz hid thare diryz n p0rn n stuff til Loopin t00ked it incase thay f0und hiz w0lf porn.

Th3n one day aft3r examz tha d0g cam3 n drugg3d R0n 2 the shri3kin shack wich wuz a shack in Hogzmade that wuz spos3d 2 b3 haunt3d n Hairy n Miney f0llowed tham n Loppin followed th3m n Snap3 folloed thum. I m3an tham. N S3rius mad3 lieke h3 wuz evul s0 w3 cud hav3 suspence n stuff n want3d 2 kil tha rat n L00py cam3 n sed “Wate a minnit r u 3vil or g00d” n S3rius sed g00d cuzzed Pet3r did th3 bad stuff li3k batrayin Jim n Lilly Poot3r n killin a buncha p3ple n mad3 it l00k li3k Serius kilt hum by ternin in2 a rat n h3 recugnized him in tha Daly Prophit cuz he wuz a lam3r. n then h3 ascap3d frum Hogwartz I meen Afganistan wich iz tha wizzerdz prison ware d3m3nterz hang 0ut n d00 nasty thingz li3k suck 0ut ur sole n s3l ur inf0rmation 2 scummy c0perations n spam u n d0 rap n stuff s0 h3 cud kil Pete.

N Snap3 innerrupt3d tham but thay knockted him 0ut.

N Miny sed “LOOPINZ BAD HEZ A WEIRDW0LF” n D3rridina sed “MY L3G LEMON SEZ H3Z G00D. BUT HOWD U KN0 THA RAT WUZZED P3T3R L00P.” n Loppin sed “CUZ H3 COMED UP 0N THA MAP. IT SH0WED P3TER WUZ WITH R0N. B3FOR THAT I THUNKED H3 WUZ DEAD N S3RIUS WUZ BAD. N0W I KN0 HEZ G00D.”

N Miny sed “P3TER CANT BE THA RAT CUZ IF HE TERNS IN2 A RAT HEZ A MAGNANIMOUS N U HA3V 2 REGISTER N STUFF 4 THAT.”

N Loopy sed “N0 U D0NT. THARE WUZ 3 UNREGULATED MONG00SES (THATZ WIZARDZ WHO TURN IN2 AMINALS) IN HOGWORTZ. JIM WUZ A STAG WICH HAZ HORNZ OR SUMTHIN N P3TER WUZ A RAT N S3RIOUS WUZ A D0G. N THAY K33PT ME COMPANY W3N I TURNT IN2 A WAREW0LF. WED LI3K D0 KEWL STUFF LI3K HAVE SEX WITH ANUMALZ N KNEWED WARE AL THA KEWL PLAC3S 2 PEE W3RE. N WE CALLED OUSR3LVEZ WORMTALE CUZ P3TER WUZ WORMY N PETF000T CUZ SERIUS LIK3D PURINA N M00NY CUZ I M00NED PEEPL A L0T W3N I WUZ IN A W0LF WICH IZ WY I HAD 2 HID3 W3N I CHANG3D CUZ I SQUICKED PEEPL N WUZ ABARRASSED AFT3RWEIRDS N THE PRONZ CUZ JIM WUZ REELY KEWL IN STAG DISGUISE N WENTED H3Y H3Y H3Y A LOT.”

“IM SICK A THA BS I WANT 2 KIL TH3 RAT N0W” sed Seerius.

“PR0VE HEZ BAD FURST” sed sumwun.

S0 they didded a sp3l that turnt P3ter or SCabb3rz in2 a d00d. but h3 wuz stil a lam3r.

“U SUX N BATRAY3D LILLY N JAMEZ S0 WER GUNNA KIL U” sed Loop n S3rious.

“DON’T D0 THAT KILLIN SUX N IZ GANGSTA WICH IZ DUM” s3d Harry n Darridina. “PUT HIM IN UZBEKISTAN PRIZON WARE THE D3MENTORZ CAN PUNISH HIM BY FEEDIN HIM CRAPPY CAFAT3RIAN FOOD.”

“OK.”

S0 thay hedd3d bac 2 Hogwash but L00py turnt in2 a warew0lf but Derridina knu h0w 2 handel weirdwolfs cuz at l33st haf h3r relativez wer3 but P3ter gotted away cuz tha Dam3nterz caem n gott3d Serius n th3n thay gotted Hary n thare wuz loadz of tham n wh3n thay saw Derridina cum back frum putttin Loop 2 b3d cuz sh3 luvv3d hum thay w3nted aft3r h3r 2 n she st0ppt 0r kilt a hundr3d or s0 but tah oth3r hundr3d gotted h3r n pinn3d her down n thay lust3d 4 her cuz thay w3re sickoz n pervz n th3n thay sawed some0ne d0 a patronas sp3l that kilt tha r3st a the dem3nterz n D3rridina thoughted it wuz h3r twin that g0t t0rtcherd by B3latrix Lugosi hoo lawved 2 tortur cuz sh3 wuz a sick0 or els cuz she wuz Alb3rto Gonzal3s mistr3ss n stuff or both.

N thay w3nted back 2 H0gwartz n w3red in sick bay getting fedded choklit n Serius wuz lock3d someware n wuz goin 2 be given 2 tha dem3nt0rz wich suxed. N now everyone knu S3rius wuz an anime manga wich m33nz he turnt in2 animalz wich callz the v3ry like nature a human id3ntuty in2 questin wich iz kewl. N thay try3d 2 get peepl 2 und3rstand that Serius wuz g00d but like grownups thay didn’t lissen cuz Snap3 wanted reveng3 on Serius 4 dissin hiz faverite bands wen they wuz in sckool. N Dumm3ld0re sedded “WE N33D MORE TIEM” n Derridina sed “TIEM 2 TAK3 OUT THA TIM3 TERNER MINEY” n Miney s3d “HOWD U KN0 AB0UT THAT” n D3rridina sed “IT WUZ S0 TODALLY OVIUS” n Hary n R0n felt dum s0 D3rridina gaevd them som3 bubblicious. Itz tha ultimate bubbl3 WTF.

S0 thay w3nted back in tiem n Derridina did a patronas that kilt tha dem3ntorz s0 it wuz her not h3r twin. N thay als0 rescued Buckbeek hoo wuz a hippocrit wich iz part eegl part hors3 part oth3r stuff n h3 wuz sposed 2 b kilt for bitin Malfoy but Malf0y as3rved it 4 bein a j3rk n callin tha hippigrift a los3r wich iz dum cuz hypogryfz g3t pist 0ff if u call tham stuff.

N thay w3nted bak 2 wh3n S3rius wuz lock3d up watin 4 tha d3mentorz n thay guv him Buckbeek s0 he gotted away. N he s3d “U GUYZ ROX N D3RRADINA LI3K R00LZ.” This wuz kewl cuz he didn’t git demented but als0 a bumm3r cuz Haryz stil stuck with tha Dirtlys n cant m0ve in wit Serious. But at leest he can g0 2 Hogmeed n0w. thay have a kewl hare salon thare.

N then thay w3nted back 2 the tiem Hogwarts wuzzed found n st0pped Sliddrin frum putting tha bazilust in the chamer of sekrits. “NOW THE LAST CHAPT3R WITH JINNY GETTING ZONKED BY THA BASILISK DIDN’T HAP3N” sed Miney.

“YEAH LI3K W0W U CANT SUBVERT NARATIVE MUCH MOR3 THEN THAT” sed D3rridina.

Thay shudda als0 goned bac n stopt Valdmart from rizin but thay fergotted.

Snap3 wuz POed cuz S3rius didn’t get dem3nted s0 h3 made up 4 it by t3llin evry0ne Loppin wuz a w33rwolf s0 he got fir3d cuz thay w3re bigotz.

0h n like I sed P3ter gotted away n w3nt under th3 name a W0rmtail n stoled someones id3ntity n max3d out there cr3dit cardz.

 

Chapter 4. D3RRADINA SAEVZ S3DRICS LIEF N ST0PS THA BADGUY FR0M KILLIN HAIRY N LI3K STUF BUT TH3REZ THIS R33LY ANN0YIN T33CHER WH0 THINX HEZ GRATE

PART 1

D3rradina n Hary went 2 tha Burr0 wich iz R0nz h0us3 n it wuz kewl n thare wuznt any perv pimpz wh0 hat3d magik but h3 mad3 her take som3 prostatutes al0ng 4 tha quiddich gam3 s0 tha br0thel cud maek mon3y n Min3y wuz thare n Derridina n Miney n Mrs. W33zly did eech otherz hare n Derridina libarat3d Mrs. Weezly frum housew0rk n sed mr. Weesly haved 2 share. N Harry wuz hapy cuz he wuznt with tha Dirtseys ev3n tho they rnt as bad az th3y used 2 be went hay made him 3at Ant Marg3s dogs p00 wen h3 ask3d qu3stionz thay still suck3d.

Th3n thay went 2 see tha quidditch w0rld cup wich wuzz betw33n Ireland n Vulgaria n thay wuz v3ry stareotippical n tha l3prechaunz wuz lam3. s0 D3rridina sup0rted Blogaria as an act a defiance aginst conv3ntional valu3z n cuz shez a third vela wich I fergotted b3for. N this gy nam3d Krum wuz todaly kewl but tha 0ther play3rz wuz borin.

N abov tham Winky tha hous3 elf wuz k33pin a plac3 4 som3on3 named Cr0uch who wuz a big ministry guy n r33ly li3k shirty n stuf but no 0ne wuz thare n D3rridinaz leg s3d thare wuz som3one thare h00 wuz invizzable n bad but n0 one car3d.

Aft3r tha game Malf0y n oth3r jerx appressed tha mugglez wh0 ran tha plac3 ware thay had tha gam3 n als0 tha prossitutes but at least th3 pr0stitudez mak3d munny out a it lader by su3in tha pimp cuz bein wav3d in tha air by sickoz wuznt in tha c0ntrack. N they runn3d n hide in t3h w00dz n herd someone say “MORSARTR3” n a big skul appeereded in the sky eetin a snak3 n evry0ne freeked 0ut cuz it wuz a symbol a Waldmart n wuz sayin “L’ETRE ET LE NEANT” wich is French 4 “I ROOL.” N Cr0uch turnt up n wuz like pist off at tha elf n fired her n a c0rse it wuz cuz tha invizzable badguy had gotted away but n0 one knowed that y3t tho D3rradina guest.

Thay went3d 2 Hogwartz n stuff happ3ned.

N this yeer ther defence aginst dark art t33cher wuz M00dy but Darredinaz lemon pow3r sed he wuz hidin somthin n maybe he wuz havin a affare with D3anna Troy. He didded unfergivabl3 curses 0n peepl n Hary r3sistad n Derradina laft cuz rasistin them wuz 3asy. 4 her at leest. Cuz shez sp3cial n has a tragicked pass. N D3rridina maked a quiz that sed wut kinda unf0rgivabl3 curs r u?

N thare wuzzed a lam3 nu hist0ry a magic pr0f wh0 taught avanc3d classes n wuz call3d C0unt something 0r uther n hiz fak3 forin acc3nt wuz todally put on n h3 mad3 like he knoed ev3rything thatz D3rridinaz job n he had a gurlfrend nam3d S3xina whoo wuz h0t but wut sh3 did at H0gwartz wuznt cleer.

N tha skewl wuz hostin tha triwiz3rd turnamint wich iz w3n a stud3nt frum eech sk00l doez stuff in frunta juges n gets famus. S0 tha stud3nts had 2 put ther namez in side th3 goblit a fir3 wich wuz this cheesy macdoneldz cup cuzzed Mcdonald wuz sp0nserin it n uzin tha tornam3nt az an istram3nt a domanati0n. But u had 3 be 17 wich iz unfare n child abus3.

Tha sk00lz w3re Hogwartz, B3xbat0nz 0r som3thin wich iz Fr3nch n Darnstang wich iz forin. N C3drik hoo wuz kewl n cam3 frum Huffenstuf wich wuz margenalize by th3 other houses wuzzed chos3 4 H0garts n Flore hoo wuz part vela n thought3d she wuz h0t gott3d ch00sed 4 Beabutton n Krum gotted pick3d 4 Dorset ware thare wuz farm3rz that hat3d modern stuf. But th3n at tha 3nd tha nam3z Hary P00ter n Derradina cam3d out a the gobbler.

D3rridina wuz tha 0nly 0ne who knu h0w h3r nam3 gots in thare it wuz a sp3l she inv3nted wen sh3 wuz b0red. But no 0ne accept tha badgy kn0wed h0w Hairyz nam3 gotted in thare. N tha h3dmattress a Beaxbeatle wh0 wuzz Madam Maxime n wuz haf gient th0 that wuz sp0sed 2 be a sekrit n Kazaruff tha head mast3r a Drumstick wuz pist off n s3d Dumbl3dor wuz a jerk but Dumbelldork s3d som3one wuz pr0bly trieing 2 kil th3m but thay had 2 play anyway.

N R0n wuzzed jellous n h3 n Hary wudnt talk 2 eachoth3r wich wuz dum s0 D3rridina gotted POed n turnt l3sbian.

“HAZ NO ONE BUT M3 RED HABERMAS” sed Derridina.

“PROBLY” s3d R0nned.

“NO W0NDER U DON’T GRASP COMMUNICATIV R3ASON 0R COMUNICATIV3 RASH0NALITY WICH LI3K DISTINGUISH3Z ITS3LF FROM TEH RASHONALIST TRADITI0N BY LOCATIN RATIONA1ITY IN STRUCTURZ OF TODALLY INT3RPERSUNAL LINGUISTIK CUMUNICATION RATH3R TH3N IN THA STRUCTUR OF 3ITHER THE COSMOS WICH IZ A MAGAZI3N WITH SCANTLY CLADDED WOM3NZ OR THA KNOWIN SUBJ3CT!!!!11!!” sed D3rridina f3rvently.

“LI3K WATEVER” s3d Ron. He wuz kinda dum.

Th3 onely oth3r kewl thing that happ3nd wuz went ha fake woops we don’t kno that y3t I meen Moody turnt Malf0y in2 a farret wich iz a animle n bounced hum.

Hagred mad3 Hary n R0n n stuff do a speriment ware thay had 2 have sex with tha blast end3d screwz wich iz big lobst3r thingz with clawz n stingz n sucky thingz n rite a rep0rt n R0n sed ‘IM N0T HAVIN S3X WIT THOS3 THINGZ THERE EEW” f3rvently.

“M3 NEETH3R LETZ JUST MAK3 SUMTHIN UP” sed Hary f3rvently.

“THATZ CHEETIN WICH IZ BAD” s3d Miney f3rvently.

N tha first thing in tha tourman3nt wuz a sekrit but Hargid toled Hary it wuz draguns n som3on3 als0 told Flore n Krum n D3rridina knowd it cuz she kn3w stuff n sh3 n Hary t0ld Cedrick.

N wen tha day c0med thay had t0 git tha g0lden egg from tha dragenz n everyone was scairt ecept Derridina cuz sh3 knu draginz wuz just misund3rsto0d. S0 Hary tricked hiz dragun n Fl00r n Krum curst thare dragonz but D3rridina tam3d the dragon by li3k doin its hair n nalez n stuff s0 tha dragon maked frendz with h3r n give h3r tha egg.

N th3n thay had tha Yul3 Ball n Hary wuz dum n w3nted out with Pervati cuz h3 didn’t kno h3 n D3rridina w3re denstined n R0n wuz even dummer I m33n itz s0 li3k todally ovious he n Miney r gonna get t0geth3r but he gooted some 0ther gurl n wuz a lamer n tha grrl’z 3yeshad0w like suck3d n h3r dres wuz like crap no 0ne warez that anym0re its s0 last w33k d00d n C3dric wuz with Ch0 wh0 Hary thinked he wuz in l0v with n Flore wuz with pretty much al tha Weezy guies n Krum wuz with Min3y n I think thay did s3x cuz Miney gots her s3xuality waked by tha blast 3nd screwz n im not sure wy sh3 wuz s0 poplar cuz h3r har3 wuz like s0 n0 way im s0ry but u n3ver kno with guies thay d0nt kno hare n this paragraph gots cutt3d by tha nu t33cher ho thinx hez a hotsh0t but hez reely a lam3.

N Winky joint Elv-an0n wich cur3d h3r of bein a drunkerd wich iz someone hoo iz drunk. N tha s0-call3d C0unt t33cher summened Derradina 2 hiz offis n sed “IM GUNNA STOP U FRUM MUCKIN UP HOGWERTZ WIT UR BIG 3GO. U R A RISIBL3 FANFIC CLICHÉ WICH IZ LAM3. S0 IM DAT3RMINED UR N0T IN THA REST A THE C0NTEST.”

Derridina laugh charmingly n sed “U CANT ST0P ME UR S3LF-INS3RTION IN THA NARATIV SUX IVE D0NED LOADZ A KEWL STUF N U DIDN’T D0 ANYTHIN CUZ U SUX.”

N he s3d “50 POINTZ FRUM DERRIDINAD0R” wich wuz D3rridinaz hous3 n I f0rg0t 2 say that earli3r n she sed “ONLY DUMMYD0R CAN TAK3 POINTZ FRUM M3” but it turnt 0ut tha nu teacher cud 2 wich iz unfare. But 2 maek up 4 it thay letted Derridina cum 2 staf meetinz n maek r00lz about 3ye shad0w. Thay shudda maed h3r a t3acher she r00lz f3rvently.

 

 

Chapter 4. D3RRADINA SAEVZ S3DRICS LIEF N ST0PS THA BADGUY FR0M KILLIN HAIRY N LI3K STUF BUT TH3REZ THIS R33LY ANN0YIN T33CHER WH0 THINX HEZ GRATE

PART 2

Tha s3cont thin in tha tornm3nt wuz thay had 2 g0 und3rwat3r n sav3 s0me0ne n M00dy told C3dric s0 he tolt Hary n Hary tolt D3rridina n Krum n Flair als0 kn3w ab0ut it cuz thay cheeted. N D3rridina tol3d Hary 2 get a gillyw33d cuz that gievz gilz n Derridina wuz part m3rmade s0 sh3 alredy had gillz. N Krum had 2 r3scue Miney n Floor wuz sp0st 2 sav3 her sitter n Hary has 2 sav3 R0n n this wuz a probl3m cuz Derradina shudda sav3d Hary but h3 wuz in tha turnma3nt s0 she sav3d L00py in st3d n sh3 3nded up savin Hary 2 cuz h3 sav3d tha 0therz but he runn3d outa gillweed n stuff.

Then th3 count teech3r called Hary n sed “REM3B3R I TOLT U M00DY IZ A FAEK N IZ BAD. HE CURST THA GOBBLER S0 ITZ A PORTKY THAT TAK3S U 2 VALDMART N H3 UZES U 2 COM3 BAK 2 LIF3 N KILLZ C3DRIC. THAT SUX.”

N Hary sed “THAT’S D33P” f3rvently.

N durin a meetin a tha t33cherz tha fak3 M00dy sed tha nu C0unt teacher wuz probly a deth eeter n thatz wy h3 keept callin Hary 2 hiz offis n tha knu t33cher laf sarcastickly n sed “YEAH RIGHT N UR THA DETH EETER BOZO.”

N D3rridina sed “I KNO HEZ FAK3 N BAD BUT H0W D0 U KNOW THAT. U 2 R BITCHY.” N tha c0unt sed “I WIL ONLY ESPLAIN 2 DUMPLEGORE” n Dumbed0rk sed “I TRUST M00DY”. N tha nu pr0f sed tha goodgys shud g3t Hairyz maraud3r map n n0 0ne did s0 tha t33cher toled Hary 2 k33p it n maek sure no 0ne gotted it specially fak3 M00dy. N Hary n0tic3d Cr0uch kept comin up 0n tha map n M00dy n3ver did n tha C0unt sed “THAT’S CUZ HE…” n D3rridina sed “HEZ REELY SOM GUY NAME CROUCH IN DISGUIS3 I SED IT FIRST NYAH NYAH NAYH”.

“NOT THA SAM3 CR0UCH THO” sed tha C0unt. “THAREZ 2 CROUCHEZ …”

“ON3 IZ LI3K A GOODGY BUT HEZ NASTY CUZ H3 WUZ M33N 2 PEEPL THAT GOTTED ACUSED A BEIN DETH EETERZ” sed D3rridina.

“YEH N H3 HAD A S0N H00 WUZ A DETH EETER I KNO THIS ALREADY SIRIOUS TOLT M3 IT N I SAW IT IN A PENSIEV WICH IZ WARE PEEPL K33P MAMMORIES N IM SIK A U GYZ KN0WIN EVRYTHIN ITS BORIN I WANT 2 KN0 STUF 2 N 1 S3LF INSERT3D AUTH0R IZ BAD ENUF I CANT TAK3 2” sed Hary f3rvently.

“IN A WAY HAVIN 2 AUTHORZ INSERT THEMS3LVEZ IN2 THE NARATIVE IZ LI3K KINDA KEWL CUZ THA SUBVERSION A THA NARATIV3 IZ LIKE ITSELF SUBV3TRAD N MAYB3 IL DO IT 2MY FREND MARY SU3 HEG3L HOO THINKS SH3Z TODALY ALL THAT.” Sad Darridina.

“YEH N U DIDN’T KN0 THA TRIWIZ3RD CUP IZ GUNNA B3 A PORTK3Y N I D0 CUZ I HAV3 SEKRIT KNOL3DGE BUT IM N0T TELLIN STUD3NTS” sed tha C0unt.

“NYAH” s3d Derridina f3rvently. “U R A J3RK.” Then h3 tooked m0re pointz from D3rridinador. H3 sux n im getting aveng3. f3retly. Scathingly 2. n bracinly.

Th3n tha last thing in tha triwizerd turnam3nt wuz thay had 2 g0 thru tha maze n get tha triwizerd cup. That’s wy tha lam3 teeeccher sed it wuz a p0rtky. N Flore n Krum gotted curst s0 Hary n S3drik n D3rradina gotted thare furst. n Hairy had a broked l3g but he gotted healt by Derridina. Wich iz wy C3dric gotted thare first. But h3 insist3d Hary g3t it cuz h3 dint know it wuz a p0rtkey n think3d he wuz bein n0ble. N Hary forgotted it wuz curst n wantd C3dric 2 g3t it cuz he thotted that wuz g00d.

Derridina stopt C3dric frum getting tha Goblin a Fire cuz sh3 knu tha annoying nu teacher wuz right n hed get kilt. S0 she n Hary gots it n C3drik thot thay w3r jerx but lernt tha truth lader.

D3rridina n Harry land3d in a sematary with a bunch a deth eeterz n thay wuz goth n Lord Waldmart wuz thare with W0rmtale wh0 us3d 2 be P3ter bringed Voldmart back 2 liif3 with gr0ss stuff n want3d 2 use Harryz bl00d but Deridina magicked s0 h3 gotted catsup instead so Walmart iz mad3 a  catsup but h3 dint kn0 this n maked a long sp33ch ab0ut how h3 us3d 2 be a lamer but n0w h3 rooled. N he dint knotice D3rradina cuz sh3 wuz bidin h3r tim3 n invizabled h3rself n hez a chovinist n dint n0tice gurlz. N Wolmort gloated about h0w h3 gotted Hary n wuz gonnstas trask him.

N Hairy had a broked l3g n disl0cate shold3r n losed a f00t n g0t canser n asma n 2 thurdz a hiz boddy wus paralized s0 h3 cudnt excape tha deth 3aterz but he gotted healt by Derridina. N she sed “OK NOW WE KNO VOLMARTS BACK L3TS SPLIT BY UZIN THA TRIWIZERD CUP. ACH00 PORTKY.”

N she summonded tha triwizerd cup n sh3 n Hary used it 2 g3t away s0 thay cud t3l 3vry0ne th3 badguy wuzzed back.

But be4 sh3 gotted way Waldemort gotted h3r fashin sence. S0 sh3 didn’t l00k as kewl in chapt3r 5 n this gaved her angst.

But meenwile thay gotted back n Derridina splained 2 Cedric wy sh3 wudnt l3t him g3t tha triwizerd cup. N tha faek Moody tri3d 2 tak3 Hary n D3rridina 2 hiz ofis s0 h3 cud kil th3m but tha lam3 nu teech3r stopt hum n mad3 him take veriseerum wich makes u t3l tha trooth n s0 h3 t0led them al ab0ut h0w he scap3d frum Aganistan tha wizard prism n meet3d Walmart n thay plann3d 2 use the triwizerd 2 kil Hary but thay fergott3d ab0ut Darridina n tha forin C0unt guy h00 muck3d evrythin up.

N Dummpled00r bali3ved th3m n t0led tha Mister of Magic but Mist3r dint bali3ve tham cuz fitin Voldmart wuz 2 much werk n h3 had powerful lobbyists li3k Malfoy hoo want3d the Mist3r name Fudge 2 think evrythin like wuz k00l wich showz capitalisms bad cuz tha Mister g0tted bribed n thas wy h3 wudnt fite tha deth 33terz. N Malf0y maked tha Mister pass a law that h3 wuz kewl n Dummidor wuz a looser. S0 Dumbod00r sedded Fudge wuz dum n h3 wuz gonna fight Wolmart. N Snap3 n Count Lam3r n D3rrieina n Hairry agr33ed. But tha Mist3r maked tha mass m33dia say thay wuz all skrewed up. N h3 tri3d 2 espell D3rrida but sh3 wuz kewl s0 sh3 had specil guvermint statis so tha Mistry cudnt d00 that.

 

 

Chapt3r like 5. THAT PROF GETS 3VEN MORE A JERK N THAREZ THIS TODAL B*** TEECH3R NAM3D UMBRAGE HOO GETS HERZ N D3RRIDINA BEETS D3ATHH HEATERS N OVIUSLY SH3Z THE H3RO WH0 DOEZ HARY THINK H3 IS I MEAN LIKE D000000000D

PART 1

Th3 summ3r after Derridina n Hairy gotted back from seein Valmart wuz a bummer, todally. N0 one wud t3ll Harry 0r D3rridina anything cuz thay wuz only kidz. Tha C0unt k33ped telling Dummled00r thay shud t3ll Hary wut wuz g0in 0n but Dummidork wuz all lik3 “NO HEZ ONLY A KID L3T HIM PLAY G0BTONES WICH IZ LI3K MARBELS WIL3 THA GROWNUPS TAKE CARE A STUF.”

“IM B0RED LET ME OUT” sed S3rius.

“N0 UR T00 YOUNG 2 PLUS UR SPOSED 2 B3 A DANGERUS CRIMUNAL S0 STAY IN HQ” sed Dumbod0re. Then mrs. W3asly maked him d0 Kreecherz laundry.

Tha Count went 0n n toled Dumbl3door “U GOTTA RUN TH3 SKOOL BETTER U GOT FRAUD T33CHERZ LIKE TR3LAWNY N SNAP3 BULLYIN ST00DENTS N UR DUM 2 K33P SERIUS L0CKED UP N HARY IN THA DARK N ITS G0NNA MAEK SERIUS G3T KILT N L3TS FAC3 IT AZ A HEAD MAST3R U MAK3 A G00D DISHWASH3R N IM N0T DISSIN U UR A NIC3 GUY BUT SOM3 A THE STUF U D0 IZ DUM.”

“IM ALWAYZ RITE SO BUG 0FF” sed Dumbl3dork ferv3ntly.

S0 tha C0unt n Serius n Hary n D3rredina wuz pist 0ff.

“NO 0NE WIL T3L ME ANYTHIN N IM STUK WITH THA DIRTYS N THAY SUX” wined Hary.

“ST0P EGOIZIN HARY” sed Deridina.

“IM DESTIN3D NOT U” sed Hairy.

“N0 I AM” sed D3rridina. “N U OVIOUSLY D0NT GRASP RCI0EURS ARGUM3NT THAT PL0T IZNT A STATIC STRUTCHER BUT A INT3GRATIN PR0CESS ONLY COMPL3TED IN TH3 READER BUT ITZ REELY COMPL3TED IN M3 YA KN0W.”

“SCRU U” sed Harry n st0mped 0ff n bulli3d Duddly hiz cusin n thay g0tted atack3d by damentors n D3rridina saw Hary fite th3m 0ff n sh3 helpt. N h3 had a  fight with tha Dirtlys. N a owl camed frum the Mistry n sed Hary n D3rridina wuz axpeled 4 uzin magik but thay t00k it bak n made th3m g0 2 a herein instead. N thay t00ked away D3rridinaz kewl privuliges cuz tha Mistry wuz lame. Th3n tha Dirtyz wented 0ff 2 a m33tin wich wuz actally som3thin the 0rder maked up 2 get them outa da way.

M00dy n Loopy n T0nks n um a buncha 0ther growned up wiz3rdz cam3 n sed “WERE TAKIN U 2 PHEENIX HQ WICH IZ A SEKRIT HID3OUT S0 PAK UR STUF N L3TZ G0. W3RE TAKIN BR00MZ S0 ITLL B3 SECRIT UNLEST ANY0NE S33S THA DOZEN BR00MZ IN TH3 SKY N THAY W0NT CUZ THAYRE DUM.”

“KEWL” sed Hary n Dairydina. N T0nks whoo wuz tha only kewl grownup accept mayb3 Lup n Serius n cud chang3 h3r hair coller n mak3 her pink hare alm0st az kewl as Derridina’s h3lpt Harry pack.

D3rridina sed “LETZ P00 ON THE DIRTSLEYS LAWN CUZ THAYRE JERX N SUX.”

“KEWL” sed Loopin.

“THAT’S DUM WE HAV3 2 LEAV3 QUIK N S3CRETLY S0 DETH EETERZ N MINSTRY DON’T GET US” sed Moody.

“DON’T BE A SP0ILSPORT” sedded Tonx.

S0 thay did n thay maked it sp3ll “U R LAM3RZ” n a dem3nter turnt up n laught n thay kilt it.

“I, I MEEN U R BRILIANT N R00L” Loppin toled D3rridina. N thay ask3d h3r 2 join tha 0rder n sh3 dint reely want 2 but sed OK cuz sh3z nice.

S0 thay wented 2 number 12 Grimauld Plac3 wich iz a dum nam3 4 a address. It wuz S3rius’z h0me but h3 th0ught it suxed cuz hiz fambly wuz dark wizerdz n in2 g0th n h3avy m3ttle n dint lik3 Britny Speerz. N thare wuz a fambly tr33 a Blak n evry0ne wh00 wuz kewl wuz blast3d 0ff it n only lamerz lik3 Balatrix wh00 wuz a d3th eeter wuz thare. 0h n thare wuz a h0useelf nam3 Kr33cher wich iz a todally lame name g33 wat was Jo thinking sh3 shudda ask3d m3 4 avice cuz i rewl.

N Hary sed 2 R0n n Miny “U SUX 4 NOT T3LLIN ME NOTHIN WEN IM THA KEWL 0NE N U 2 R JUST MY MINI0NZ.” N thay sedded “S0RRY” n D3rridina tolded Harry 2 g3t ov3r hizself alr3ddy I meen sh33sh. N mrs. Weezly mad3 li3k al tha teenag3rz wuz 2 young 2 h3ar anything imp0rtent cuz thayre kidz n sh3 mad3 Hary wear a pacifi3r. Derridina thunk it wuzzed kinda s3xy.

N Derridina mad3 mrs. Weezy turn femimnist s0 thay made tha guyz d0 all the w3rk cl33nin up doxi3 p00 (doxiez iz dum fairys) n stuff wile thay wached p0rn. N sh3 teeched her that grammer iz a ag3nt a partiarky wich iz wy language iz sexist s0 it sux. S33 R0binsonz commentz 0n translati0n frum spanich (1997).

N Hary n D3rridina had thair h33rin 4 underag3 magic but thay g0tted cleared aspite Fudg3 triein 2 f0rce peepl 2 v0te tha way h3 wanted cuz Dumbled0re helpt tham n cuz D3rradina knowed lotsa law cuz it wuz 1 a her hobbiez. But thare wuz this w0man wh00 wuz ugly n had todaly n0 fashin sens3 sh3 wored pink fluffy crap n I bet she w3ar diperz 2. She wuz Fudg3z henchw0man n I bet mistr3ss 2 n thay did discusting thingz with Fudges bowl3r hat lik3 333w. That’s wy it wuz lim3.

Wen it wuzzed tim3 2 g0 2 skewl S3rius wantsed 2 g0 2 tha H0gwartz trane ev3n th0 mrs. Weasel sed that wuz dum n C0unt Lam3r sed “WHY DOZNT HE D0 A DISALLUSI0NM3NT CHARM THAT TURNZ HIM IN2 A CHAM3L3ON THEN HE CAN G0 OUT” but mrs. Weazy sedded its stil 2 dang3rous n Sirious sed it wuz lam3. So whatever.

On tha tran3 2 Hogwartz thay meted a weirdo nam3d Luna wh0 bali3ved in weerd stuff like Gobsmack3d Plims0lls cuz her fath3r wr0te tha Quibler n Miney sedded it wuz crap.

“OH STOP MARGARINIZIN 0THER WORLD VI3WS” sed D3rridina scathingly. Then thay gotted to H0gwarts n stuff happ3ned agin.

Tha C0unt guy teeched a class ware h3 sh0wed th3m h0w erli3r dark wizerdz had take 0ver n had fr33 discustions ware Darydina cumpar3d anci3nt bad stuff 2 mod3rn bad stuf n s0 did Hary aft3r Derradina helpt him. N Malf0y sed “MUDBLOODZ SUX.”

“25 POINTZ FRUM SLYTH3RIN” sed tha c0unt.

“MY FATH3R RHUBARG RHUBARB” mutt3rd Malf0y.

“U DON’T GET POINTZ 4 HAVING A FATH3R IN MY CLAS” sed prof. N D3rridina wuz pist 0ff cuz li3k tha prof getted al tha witty linez.

D3rridina writ a scathing artickle ab0ut h0w she thought Bakhtin’s th3ory ab0ut exc3ss of seein wareby the 0ther actually helps cr3ate ur personality thru seein u frum tha outside n engaging in dialogu3 wuz a l0ad a BS.

N Umbridge wh00 wuz frum tha Mistry n mad3 long borin sp33ches ab0ut pr0gress n crap wuz tha defense aginst dark arts t3acher. Wut a laff. Sh3 wudnt l3t tham study r3al defence aginst dark artz but mad3 them d0 bask3tweavin instead n if any0ne cumplan3d thay gotted ataked by h3r cut3 fluffy tortur3 kitt3nz n Hary gotted datenti0n 4 sayin Valmart wuz back.

“CAREFUL I LEGG3D HER LEMON N IT TOLED M3 SHEZ GUNNA D0 S0METHIN NASTY 2 U N SH3Z HIDIN SOM3THIN.” Saed D3rridina.

“I B3T THA NU PR0F KNOWZ ILL ASK HIM” sed Hary.

“HE SUX” sedded D3rridina as thay went 2 Counts offis n sh3 jinxt him n turnt hiz hare pink but h3 just undid it n sed “UMBRIDG3 IZ G0NNA TORTUR3 U BY MAKIN U RITE WITH UR BL00D S0 U BETT3R GET SOME ESSENCE A BULCRAP ITL HELP. THAREZ PROBLY LOTZA BULCRAP IN H3R CLASS ANYWAY.”

“H3 ALWAYZ SEZ THA CL3VER STUF IM LI3K HARDLY A MAJ0R CARACTER ANYM0RE N IF IT WUZNT 4 M3 VOLDMART WUDDA KILT C3DRIC N PUT SMIL3 FAC3 LOGOS EVRYWERE N N0W IM A MIN0R L3AGUE I DON’T THINK S0 IM GUNNA WIN” sedd Derradina.

“WATEVER. DISMIST” sed tha C0unt. D3ridina seeth3d.

 

 

Chapt3r like 5. THAT PROF GETS 3VEN MORE A JERK N THAREZ THIS TODAL B*** TEECH3R NAM3D UMBRAGE HOO GETS HERZ N D3RRIDINA BEETS D3ATHH HEATERS N OVIUSLY SH3Z THE H3RO WH0 DOEZ HARY THINK H3 IS I MEAN LIKE D000000000D

PART 2

Then tha C0unt tolded Dummledort “UMBRIGE IZ TORCHERING ST00DENTS.”

“I CANT D0 ANYTHIN THAT’S THA MISTRY” sed Dumbod00r n h3 ate m0re acid p0ps.

Derridina wunder3d h0w the pr0f knu all this stuff n s0 sh3 wented in2 hiz offise n found a bunch a bo00ks with “Hary Pooter” in tha title n t000k them n red th3m. But tha prof want3d them bak n h3 som3how know3d it wuz her n t00k lodes a points frum h3r n kept buggin her. Wut a strait wite mal3 captalist.

N like she d3cid3d 2 get rid a tha annoyin c0unt pr0f by havin lotza squick s3x pairinz s0 she wav3 her wand n say “SQUICKSEXULUS” a sp3l she inv3nted. N tha pl0t gotted rilly trangr3ssive n p3rverse n stuff n li3k qu33red tha narrativ3.

So Magonagal sed 2 Luna “IM LUSTIN 4 U LETS HAVE HOT S3X” n Dumbledork hoo had a thing 4 birdz did a thr33some with Fawk3s n Hedwig n h3 sez “L3TS HAVE A ORGY” n every0ne sed “KEWL” but Hedwig gotted angst n dout3d her s3xuality cuz sh3 did it wit a human. N H3rminy did it with Lup in w3rewolf f0rm n Nevil did it with a mimbet0nia plant n R0n did bondag3 with tha fat lady n Drac0 n Umbridg3 had h0t sik s3x n h3 call3d her “D0lly I l0ve it wen u maek m3 writ3 BIG BOOBZ on my hand” n Hagrud did it wit som3 flobb3twormz (eew). Tha C0unt prof sed “I DON’T LI3K TEEN AUTHORZ THEY RITE 2 MUCH GROSS S3X” n left. J3rk. N this b00k wuz bann3d wich appress3s pervz. Th3n everyone di3d a STD but Darridina brouted them back 2 li3f.

“WE SH0ULD PROBLY DO DISGUSTIN S3X” sed Derridina to Hairy.

“OH YEH I FORG0T” seded Hary fevr3ntly. S0 thay dooed sex.

R0n n Miney wudnt talk 2 eech other 4 s0me dum reason like R0n dint like Mineyz hare s0 thay swiched partn3rz n D3rridina wented 0ut with Ron n Miney with Hary but sh3 founded glass3s a spin 0ff. I meen turn 0ff wh0ah iz that fr3dian slip?

Tha count prof cam3 back n got Dumlbledore 2 d0 a sp3ll that pr0tecked the skewl frum disgustin s3x. Lam3.

Meenwile thay wund3red wut 2 d0 about the way Umbragez class3s suxed.

“HARY SHUD TEECH THA CLASS HE KN0WZ THIS STUFF” sed Miney.

“NO I SHUD I KNO ALL THIS FRUM MY TRAGIK PAST N CUZ IM PART M3RMADE PART CENTORE PART DEMENT0R PART HOUSE3LF N WUZ PROSECUT3D N D3RRIDA SEZ A G00D TRANSLATI0N ALWAYS ABUS3S WICH MEENZ I R00L S0 I SH0UD TEECH IT”  sed Derridina. “BUT W3’L LET HARRY D0 A INT3RVIEW WERE H3 SEZ WAT REALLY HAPP3N3D IF H3 SEX ER SEZ I ROOL.”

“OK” SED HARY.

N Ch0 wuz a bich n Umbrudge gotted mor3 n m0re pow3rful n kilt quidich n lif3 suxed

Hary start3d havin weerd dreemz that sh0wed wut Woldemart wuz up 2 n like Haryz scar hurted wen ValdeMart feeled a str0ng em0tion like if he wach3d bondag3 porn 0r ated reely g00d ch3win gum 0r whatever. N arount Crismas h3 dreemed h3 wuz a snak3 n want3d 2 kil mr. Weas3l. D3rridina leg lemoned hiz dream n sed “THAT’S REEL W3 GOTTA T3LL DUMBODORE.” S0 thay did n Dundleb0re sented tham 2 Grimmauld Plac3 n sents D3rridina 2 sav3 mr. Weezy n tak3 hum 2 tha h0spittle cuz sh3 wuz tha onliest 1 pow3rfuk enuf.

S3rius wuz todally in tha Crismus spirit n stuff n gaved all tha gurlz exp3nsive jewell3ry n tha guys espensive nint3nd0 n thay play3d Crismuss pissin c0ntexts n he rooled cuz h3 had a tragic past n wuz hantsum s0 he has a passi0nate afare with Winky.

Th3n thay goed 2 tha h0spital n vizit3d mr. Weazley n Derridina h3aled everyone n gotted su3d by tha hospitel n sh3 cured N3vill’z par3nts n N3vill sed “I LUV U.”

Wen they come back S3rius wuznt kewl anym0re cuz he wuz bummed ab0ut bein stuk al0ne in tha h0use with Kreecher wh0 had n0 taste n sed “MAST3R SUX. MUDBLOODZ SUX. BRITN3Y SP33RZ SUX. DETH EETERZ ROOLZ. OP3RA ROOLZ.” Wat a l00ser. N Winky dump3d S3rius 4 a hipogrif.

‘IM B0RED” sed S3rious. “AGAIN.”

“TH3N WASH DISH3S” sed mrs. Weastley.

“ST0P BEIN A BICH” sedded D3rridina. N S3rius gived Hary a magic mirr0r s0 thay cud like talk ab0ut girlz n wh3ther tha redskinz wud win tha sup3rb0wl n stuff. N D3rridina give S3rius a thing s0 he can turn 2 l00k like what3ver s0 he can g3t out. ‘I MAED IT MYS3LF SH3 SED MOD3STLY.”

“I SH0W3D H3R H0W” sed tha annoyin Count. S0 D3rridina turnt him in2 bubbl3gum n chew3d him a bit.

Snape come n toled Harry“IM TEACHIN U OCCUPANCY WICH IZ H0W U STOP LEG LEM0NZ FRUM REEDIN UR MIND N U SUX L00ZER.”

“NO DUMBLED0RK SHUD D0 IT” sed tha C0unt n S3rious.

“I DIDN’T ASK 4 THA JOB HARY SUX N S0 D0 U” sed Snap3.

“IL D0 IT I KN0 ALL AB0UT LEG L3MONS N THA COUNT DIDN’T TEECH M3 IT I KN0WED IT B3F0RE H3 CAM3 BARGIN IN N ACTIN LIKE HEZ SMART” sed D3rradina. Tha C0unt l00k at h3r sarcastic.

Th3n thay all w3nted bak 2 H0gwartz n lif3 suxed 3ven m0re cuz Umbridge start3d firin teecherz sh3 didn’t lik3 n banning bubllegum n makin peepl liss3n 2 classicle music n sh3 made h3rself high unquiator wich iz like a j3rk h00 wont l3t peepl d0 stuf n imp0ses heg3mony n stuff n u shud reed wut F0ucault sez ab0ut p0wer structers cuz its todally h3r n she mad3 Malfoy n 0ther bad peepl j0in tha Inquasorial Quad s0 thay cud bully peepl. N sh3 turnt up in peeplz class3s n wuz bichy 2 tha oth3r teecherz.

‘UR DIVANATI0N SUX MY PET COCKR0ACH PR3DICKS STUF BETTER THEN U UR FIR3D” she sed 2 Trelawny who’z crystal ballz w3re kinda crap 2 be onest.

“UR DUM CUZ UR HAF GIENT N U SUX » she toled Hagred. N W0rd thunked my 3nglish iz French thatz dum cuz im way bet3r l00kin th3n Fl3ur.

“UR PROBLY BAD N I DON’T LI3K U” sh3 toled Snap3.

“U…” she toled Moganical but Meganigal s3d “SHUT UP IM TEECHIN NOT U U BICH.”

N 2 maek thingz w0rst tha count prof k33ped buggin D3rridina 2 return hiz boox. Sh3 tri3d explanin pr0perty iz theft n iz a w3stern c0ncept inv3nted by mal3 patriakx wh0 had slavez but h3 didn’t g3t it.

“UR EXP3LLED” the prof sed ta Derridina.

“NO U R” sed Umbridge. “U LET ST00DENTS DISCUST WALMART N THAT’S BAD THAYRE T00 Y0UNG N UR N0T SPOSED 2 TALK P0LITIX N U NEED 2 SAY THA MISTRY R00LZ S0 EFF 0FF.” 3ven tho she knew tha Count wuz sposed 2 be a g00dguy D3rridina had 2 laff cuz h3 daserves it 4 thinkin hez beter then m3.

M33nwile Hary gived a intervi3w it wuz pr3tty g00d tho Derridina wud hav3 bin b3tter. But sh3 wuz bizy teechin dafense of dark art n sh3 r00led n her patronous wuz like all that cuz it wuz coler coordinated n had p3rfeck hair n eerringz n it oviously sh0pped at Tiffanys n Und3r 21.

N thare wuz this gurl h00 wuz a sneek but derrydina leg lemon3d her n kn3w she wuz lam3 s0 sh3 wudnt l3t her tak3 tha class. But th3n Umbrag3 founded 0ut anyway n sendded tha queasatorial squad wich wuz m0stly malf0y aft3r them n thay took them 2 Dumpl3dorts offis. N Fuge tha lozer mist3r wuz thare.

“THAY DID BAD STUF” sedded Umbridge.

“I DID IT N U SUX FUGE N I DON’T LIK3 BACH ANYWAY I PR3FER THA B333CHBOYZ” sed Dumberd0lt.

“GET THAM” sed Fudg3.

“YEAH RITE SUCK3R” sedded Dammerdore n h3 runned 0ff with Fawk3s tha phoenix. Probly 2 d0 s0methin squick.

Th3n Dumbridge wuz p0werful ecept sh3 wuznt cuz tha st00dents gotted stood3nt power wich meenz thay w3re s0 kewl Umbrige cudnt uze h3r mistry contactz 2 k33p tham und3r c0ntrole n tha teecherz made li3k thay cudnt st0p tha stood3nts from spray prayin UMBRIGE IZ DUM N SUX on h3r offis d00r. N fred n G3org3 made fireworks say POO n stuff wich iz brillient like syst3mic studies a translati0n lik3 R0bsinon n L3febvre wh0 mov3 away frum evaluati0n n in2 s0cial appr0aches that don’t n0rmatize wich iz lam3. I bet Umbrage n0rmatized a lot.

Meganical guv car33r avice n sed MAYB3 Hary cud mak3 a aur0r if h3 work3d on it n Umbridg3 sed NO WAY HE SUX N WE DON’T LIK3 HIM n Meganigal sed “THA MISTRY IZ LAMERZ S0 G0 JUMP IN A LAKE GIRL”. N th3n sh3 toled Derridina sh3 wuz so brilient sh3 cud b3 anythng n maybe a c0mbo a fash0n mod3l n mister a magic wud b3 best. N Derridina sed “YEH SOUNDZ KEWL. EEZY 2."

Durin tha OWL t3sts ware D3rridina got 0utstandin in 3vrythin n mad3 tha examinerz faint with h3r wizdum Hagrud gotted ataked by Umbrige’z g00nz n thay stunn3d Macdonigal. Th3n Min3y lured Umbridg3 in2 tha f0rest ware tha centorez gots P0ed at h3r f0r callin them subhuman scum wh0ze fashi0n stat3m3ntz were lik3 todally n0t mistry appr0ved s0 thay beeted h3r up.

Sinc3 Magonagald wuz kn0cked out n Umbrage gotted beated up by c3ntorez thay didn’t hav3 a h3dmistress so thay mak3d Derridina headmattress cuz she wuz the only p3rson wh0 wuz good enuf.

Durin this t0dally borin n pre-structuralist hist0ry a magic test Hary had a dr33m ware Serius gotted ataked n sed “WE GOTSTAS SAVE SERIOUS” n Miney sed “WUT IF ITS JUST A DREEM OR VALMORT IZ F00LIN U.”

N D3rridina seded “IM GONNA CH3CK THA B00K I T00KED FRUM THA COUNT” wich iz kewl cuz it metas narativ3 n sh3 did n it sed S3rius wuz OK n that h3 guvved Hairy a mirr0r 2 talk 2 him s0 sh3 toled him that n thay talk3d 2 Sirius n h3 wuz fin3 but b0red.

“WY D0NT U VIZIT MY BR0THEL?” segested D3rridina. “THO IT’S A MUGGL3 BR0THEL S0 DON’T KNO IF U LIKE IT.”

“KEWL IM BOR3D A WIZERD BR0THELZ” sed Sirious. N off h3 wented.

Thay went 0n reedin n cam3 2 tha bit ware tha deth eeterz got catch3d.

“THAT’S KINDA KEWL I WANNA NAB THA DETH 3ATERZ” sed Harry.

Derridina argu3d with Hary ab0ut hoo sh0uld defeat tha deth 33terz singl3 hand3d. “I SHUD D0 IT” sh3 sed. Rightly s0.

“IM SICK A U GETTING 2 D0 ALL TH3 KEWL STUF” sedded Hairy.

‘R U KIDDIN THAT FAK3 FORIN PR0F WIT DA BAD ACENT DONED M0ST EVRYTHING IN THIS CHAPTER” sedded D3rridina. “N L00K AT H0W U D0 IN THA COUNTS B00K. I DON’T WANNA BE MEEN BUT THA D3ATH EETERZ WHUP UR A** N THA 0RDER RESCU3Z U N SERIUS GETS KILT. THAT’S DUM. U SHUD L3T ME D0 IT CUZ I CAN D0 IT N U CANT. S0RRY DOOD.”

“I WANNA B3 THA H3R0!”  y3lled Hary. “N BTW IM GONNA HAVE S3X WIT MINEY WEN WE GETS BACK.”

“FIEN BUT IF U GET CREMAT3D DON’T CUM CRYIN 2 M3” sed Derridina.

So thay goed 2 tha mistry n tha d3th eeterz surr0unded tham n sed “UR DUM P0TTER CUZ W3 TRICKED U IN2 COMIN H3RE SERIUS AINT HERE.”

“WE KNO H3 IZNT LOZERZ WE CAM3 HERE 2 GET U I MEEN DUH” sed Darradina. N th3n she jinx3d th3m so they got stucked in bubbl3 gum.

“KEWL” sed Harry. Then h3 phoned Dumb0dort on hiz cellph0ne n sed yo. N Dumbl3dore came n sed “KEWL” n Waldamart cam3 n sed “YO D00DZ IM BAD” n Dumbledork sed “BUG OFF” n h3 did but 1st tha Fudge mister saw hum n sed “WHOAH I GESS I WUZ R0NG” n Derridina s3d “NO DUH”. N Volde-Mart leaved n Dumbl3dore sed “THINGZ R GUNNA GET RUFF D00DZ” n D3rridina sed “NO SH*T.”

N thay drived Umbrige outa Hogwars by playin Emin3m.

Oh n Dumb3dort toled th3m tha proph3cy n it sed “DERRIDINA DEF3ATS WALMART CUZ SHEZ KEWL N HARY CAN H3LP CUZ HEZ KINDA KEWL BUT ALL THA PR0PHECYS R REELY AB0UT D3RRIDINA.” N D3rridina wuz nic3 2 Hary n sed shed shar3.

 

 

Chapt3r 6. D3RRIDINA D0EZ M0RE K3WL H0GWARTZ STUF N SAV3Z MALF0Y FRUM BEIN BAD N LI3K R00LZ N PEEPL DIE BUT THAY WUZ LAMERZ ANYWAY

Tha prim3 minaster wuz b0rin n g0tted som3 exp0siti0n but w3 alreddy knued it s0 wut wuz tha p0int.

Th3n Narcissa h00 iz Malf0yz muther n ex3mplifi3s Lacanz theeriez a j0uissance n stuf camed 2 vizit Snap3 n sed "PLEEZ PR0TECT DRAC0 CUZ WALMART HAZ IT IN 4 HIM CUZ LUCIOUS IZ A L0ZER N H3Z TAKIN IT 0UT 0N HIM. BTW I LUV U."

Bellatrickz h00 wuz Narsissaz sist3r n lik3d killin p33pl n was todaly g0th n lissen3d 2 Blak Sabbath comed al0ng n wuz a b*tch.

"Y IZ HARY STIL ALIV3 UR A LAM2R" sedded Bellatricks.

Snape s3d: "Y B0THER KILLIN HARRY HE IZ A ST00PID SH*T."

"PR0V3 UR REELY BAD" sed Bell.

"SAVE DRAC0" s3d Narc.

Snap3 sw0red 2 d0 evil stuf s0 h3 iz evul unl3st J0 iz d0in it 2 mak3 us think hez 3vil n hez reely p0lyval3nt witch iz kewl. H3 als0 swored 2 h3lp Drac0.

Dumblebor3 comed 2 pik up Hary n D3rridina n t0led tha Dirtleyz thay wuzzed jerx but s3d it in g33zer s0 it s0unded nic3r then that. N h3 tak3 tham 2 tha Buro ware tha Weazl3yz liv3d but 0n tha way th3y pick3d up Slugh0rn h00 wuz fat n a  bit racist n ann0yin but n0t 2 bad n all wite guyz iz racist n p0tential rapistz n 0ther bad stuf anyway. Deradina wait3d outsid3 4 a bit wile Dummydoor n Harry sed hi 2 Slug cuz sh3 want3d 2 mak3 a grand 3ntrance.

"COM3 2 T3ACH AT HOGWARTZ" sed Dumpledore.

"NO I WONT CUZ IM SCAIRT A DETH EETERZ" sedded Slugh0rn.

"I NEED 2 G0 2 THA  BATHR00M" sed Dum.

"I USETA BE R3ALLY KEWL N ALL THA BIG GUNZ BEL0NGED 2 MY CLUB" s3d Slug.

"YEAH BUT N0T ANYMOR3 CUZ UR 0N THA RUN WICH IZ LAME" sedded Hary.

Th3n Derridina come in n sed "IM GOIN 2 HOGWARTZ N IM DESTIN3D."

Slugh0rn sed "ILL C0ME CUZ DERRIDINA IZ THARE N SH3 IZ BRILIENT N R00LZ."

"I KN0W" sed D3rridina.

Th3n Dum cam3 bak n t00ked them 2 tha Buro.

"IM GIVIN U SPECIAL LESS0NZ CUZ UR DESTIN3D" he sed.

"AB0UT TIM3 U DID SOMTHIN 2 PR3PARE US DOOD THO I ALRREDDY KNO EVRYTHIN." Sed Derrydina.

"LIEK WUTTEVER" sed Dum n th3n thay cummed 2 the Buro but hadded 2 g0 thru security n it wuzzed reely ann0yin n borin n thay g0tted wand3d n tha guardz confascat3d Dumbled0rks p0rn cuz thay s3d it wuz a nati0nal s3curity thr3at. Th3n wen thay gotted thare they m3tted Fl3ur wh0 wuz French n wuz gunna marry s0me bit charact3r in tha Weezley h0usehold name B0b or sumthin. M0lly that iz Mrs. Weezy n Giny n 3ven Herminy wuz all bitchy at h3r cuz thay wuz racist brits n didnt lik3 furrinerz n thay didnt liek h0w sh3 did her 3yez n stuf. Th3n Derridina sed "ST0P BEIN ANNOYIN RACIST B*TCHEZ" n thay sed OK.

Th3ir 0WL examz cam3 n D3rridina got 0utstadning in evrythin w3ll duh. Th3 0therz did OK but R0n wuzzed kinda dum.

Th3n thay wented 2 see Fr3d n Ge0rge at th3ir capitalist j0ke sh0p.

"W3 r00l" sed Fr3d n Ge0rge.

"N0 i d0" s3d D3rradina. Thay had 2 admit sh3 liek had a p0int.

Thay saw Drac0 Malf0y n figg3red sins hez a j3rk hez probly d0in sumthin bad s0 th3y f0llowed him n h3 went3d 2 a st0re 4 bad peepl n thrett3ned tha 0wner if h3 didnt d0 wut h3 wanted. "HEZ DOIN BAD STUF" sed Hary.

"YEAH BUT H00 CAREZ" sed Ron n Miney.

"ILE CHECK THA B00KS LATER" sed Derradina. "TH3N w3 CAN STOP HIM WICH IZ QU3STI0NIN THA NARATIV3 FRUM WITHIN THA NARATIV3."

0n tha H0gwartz train Slug invit3d all th3 kewl p333pl 2 a reely borin party with gr0ss stuf lik3 caviar n sed "I HAV3 L0TZ A INFLENCE N AM QEWL S0 CURRY FAV0R WITH M3."

"WUTEV3R" sed evry0ne but thay put it m0re polit3r.

"IM G0NNA SPY ON MALF0Y" sed Hary.

"NAH WE'L JUST R3AD THA B00K" sed Derridina. "ACCI0 B00K" n thay r3aded tha bit ware Hary findz 0ut Malf0yz gunna d0 s0methin bad. Th3n tha C0unt acci0ed tha b00k back. Wut a a-blank.

At dinn3r 3very0ne l3rnt Snap3 gotted tha dark arts j0b n thay wuzzed bumm3d. Th3n R0n n Miney hadded som3 borin l0verz quarrelz n quidditch wuz b0rin t00.

Meenwiil3 tha C0unt kn0cked on Dumb0borez d00r.

"0 N0 NOT U AGIN" sed Dumbl3d0re.

"SNAPEZ GUNNA KIL U" sed tha c0unt. "N DRAC0Z GUNNA L3T BAD PEEPL IN2 THA SK00L."

"I KNO ST0P NAGGIN I DIDNT FIR3 THA DUM DIVANATI0N T33CHER OR 3VEN SEXINA BUT ILE FIR3 U IF U DONT BUG 0FF" s3d Dumbl3dor3 n h3 went back 2 gamblin 0nline.

"OK UR KINDA A LAMER ANYWAY D00D" sed tha C0unt.

Thay start3d class3s n had 2 d0 stuf with0ut w0rdz n Derridina thoughts it wuz 3asy n b0rin but tha 0therz mad3 facez liek thay wuz 0n U NO P00 witch iz this thing Fr3d n Ge0rge made that turnt u constapat3d wich r3pr3zents h0w s0ci3ty stifl3z cr3ativity with c0nf0rmizm.

N Slug teach3d p0tionz witch wuz eazy cuz Slug wuz a nic3 guy w3n h3 wuznt stuck3d up n h3 gived Hary some f3liux wich makes u lucky cuzzed Harry did g00d p0tionz cuz h3 had this b00k wut belonged 2 tha haf bl00d prints n h3 had lotza kewl r3cipez n  spelz n stuf tho 0ld hat 2 D3rrydina.

Th3n Dum call3d Harry n Derridina n toled th3m it wuz tim3 4 thare first l3sson. "WERE IN THA M3MERY A THIS MINSTRY GUY H00Z LIEK TRYIN 2 PUNISH A CRAZY SLITHRIN TIPE 4 BEIN A J3RK" sed Dum.

"THA MISTRY GUY L00KS LIEK A LAMER THA BATHIN SUIT IZ JUST S000 NO" sed Derradina.

“U N0TICE LOTZA STUF CUZ UR SMART" sedded Hairy.

Tha wizerd guy w3nted 2 a h0use that todally liek suckd n tha int3rier decoratin wuz lik3 crap.

"I ROOL CUZ IM PUR2BRED" sed tha guy hoo liv3d in tha h0use hiz nam3 wuz Mahvell0us. He l00ked liek crap tho n im so n0t g0in with him 2 teh pr0m. Th3n he bulli3d hiz duaght3r Merphy.

"UR S0N IZ A J3RK N IZ MEEN 2 MUGGL3Z" sed tha mistry guy.

"SCRU U WE R00L S0 W3 CAN D0 WUT W3 WANT" sed Mahv3llous.

'NO U CANT" sed tha minstry guy.

Thay arest3d tha Mahv3lus guy n hiz s0n M0rphin h3 pr0bly dunned drugz n Merphy run 0ff with a muggl3 T0m Riddl3 n he leffed h3r n sh3 died.

"THAT SUZ SLITHRINZ R JERX" sed Hary.

"YEAH" sed D3rridina.

"WUTZ SUZ" sed Dum.

"N3VER MIND" sedded Harydina.

Lat3r it wuz tha w33kend wen kidz get 2 g0 2 Hogmeedz tha wizerd shoppin mall. D3rridina t00k an h0ur 2 figger out wut 2 w3ar. Sartr3 s3d tha Anguish a ch0ice naus3atez u. It todally d0ez. Then thay wented 2 H0gzmeed but it wuz lam3.

"WIZERD SH0PS SUX N0W THAT DETH 33TERZ ARE D0IN STUF" sed Darrydina.

"TODALLY LIEK" s3d H3rry.

Th3n this grrl liek g0tted attakt by a n3cklac3.

"THIS NEKLACE IZ S0 LIEK TACKY I WUDNT B3 CAUGHT D3AD IN IT 3VEN IF IT WUZNT CURS3D N STUF" sed Derridina. N sh3 t00ked away itz p0werz.

"UR SMART N P0WERFUL N ROOL" sed tha 0therz.

Dumbledarnz n3xt less0n taked th3m 2 wen Dum wented 2 ware Walmart livd as a kid. Th3 past Dum wented 2 tha orfan h3dge n ask tha w0man about Valmort but h3 wuzzed still T0m.

“HEZ A J3RK I D0NT LIEK HIM H3 DUZ WEERD STUF 2 0THER KIDZ N HANGZ RABBITZ FRUM RAFT3RZ N WAREZ BAS3BAL CAPZ BAKWERDZ N LISSENZ 2 LOUD HEVVY M3TAL N CRAP" but sh3 sed it ina brit acc3nt like Dick van Dik3 acept sh3 wuz a gurl.

S0 Valddemart wuzzed a misund3rstood 0rfin 0r mayb3 d0lphin. So Derradina kist hum s0 he turn nic3 n s3d "CALL M3 WALLY" wen Hary callt him Waldomart. Th3n it turnt 0ut that wuz a diffr3nt reality n in this r3ality h3 wuz stil a jerk witch iz a bumm3r.

"CUM 2 H0GWERTZ N LERN H0W 2 B3 A WIZERD BUT STOP BEIN A J3RK N D0NT STEEL STUF" s3d Dum cuz Tom n in this quantumthing h3 wuznt Wally witch mayb3 iz wy h3 wuzzed bad anyway T0m t00ked stuf frum tha kidz h3 did stuf 2 lik3 baseball cardz n stuf n wy d0 guyz coll3ct th0se thingz thare lame n sux.

"OK" sed T0m.

"CALL M3 SIR" sed Dum h00 wuz patriarckal.

"OK SIR" s3dded T0m.

N tha Riddlez thatz Walmartz dad n this muggle girl h3 maried n tha r3st a the family includin tha g3rbil nam3 J0 all di3d n thay all think Valdm0rt dunned it cuz it wuz 0vioustly magic.

Th3n thay wented n did 0ther stuf n th3n thay did an0ther l3ssin with Slugz mem0ry ware T0m ask3d Slug ab9ut h0rcruxes.

"UR KEWL T0M" sed tha 0ther kidz h00 later turnt in2 d3af eaterz n w3red g0th.

"Y3AH U R00L N WIL G0 BAD N R A L0ZER" sed Slug but h3 l00ked liek a reely bad 3dit 0n a h0me maked vid3o.

"WUTZ H0RCUXES" sed T0m.

"I AINT SAYIN CUZ THAYRE BAD" sedded Slug but h3 l00ked liek a bad edit agin.

"THIS MAMM0RY SUX" sedd Hairy.

"YEAH H3 FAKED IT" sed Derradina. "BUT HE SUX AT D0IN MAMORIEZ."

"GET THA R3AL MEM0RY" sed Dum.

"Y BOTH3R I ALREDDY KN0 WUT H0RCRUXES R" s3d D3rridina. "HALF MY CUSINS WUZ H0RCRUX3S."

"I DONT CAR3 GET IT ANYWAY IT BILDZ CARACT3R" sed Dummeld0rk.

Hary start3d uzin sp3lz frum tha haf bl00d printz book n lift3d peepl in2 tha air n turnt thare eyez in2 kewl dark glassez n turnt th3m in2 bubbl3 gum n stuf.

H3rminy sed "UZIN SP3LZ U DONT KNO IZ UNRASP0NSIBL3"

"UR LAM3 ITZ KEWL" s3d Herry.

D3rridina s3dded "ASK M3 FIRST"

Th3n this b*ch h00 want3d Hary gaved R0n a l0ve poitin 0n acid3nt n thay tooked R0n 2 Slug n Slug cur3d him a lustin aft3r tha bich but th3n guv him win3 wich p0ison3d him n thay curet hum with a bizar wich iz gr0dy 2 th3 max but cur3z p0izin.N this pr0ved som3onez tryin 2 kil s0meone.

Hary didnt git tha mam0ry cuz h3 wuznt in th3 m00d n pr3ferd quidich n Derridina didnt 33ther cuz she forg0t n wuz t00 bizy t3achin Winky (sh3z a hous3 elf n kinda a l0zer) 2 d0 h3r hair n nailz s0 w3n thay vizit3d Dum agin h3 wuz PO3d n gotted shirty but showed th3m wh3re Valmart tak3s stuf frum 0ld womanz n kilt her.

Thay g0tted sick a tryin 2 get Slug 2 giv3 tham tha r3al m3mory he pr0bly kn0wed mem0ry is a c0nstitu3nt part a id3ntity n didnt want 2 b3 identity th3fted 0r sumthin but h3z stil lam3. S0 thay acchooed tha Countz b00k that sed wut happ3ned n ach00 iz makin stuf com3 at u. S0 thay didnt n33d tha felix aft3r all s0 it wuz a usel3ss pl0t devic3 n losed it's narativ3 functi0n n becummed a signifi3r with0ut a signifi3d. But th3n wut d0eznt.

Thay saw3d that Slug r33lly t0led Walmart that h3 r00led n wuz kewl n Volmart ask3d wut h0rcrux3s wuz n Slug s3d it wuzzed a s0ul fragm3nt u gotted by d0in murd3r wich iz dum cuz tha s0ul getz fragm3nted by disc0ntinu0us narativity I m3an duh. S0 Walmart s3d killin l0tsa p33pl wud b3 kewl cuz th3n ud g3t m0re s0ul fram3ntz n b3 m0re immortal. But Slug sedded that wuz bad cuz murd3r sux.

"I WANT 2 D0 SEX WITH GINY" sed Hary.

"OK" s3d D3rradina.

"SHEZ R0NZ SIST3R" sedded Hairy.

"SO?" s3d Derridina. R0n wuz kinda dum anyway. H3 thought punk rock iz kewl thatz s0 old d00d. I b3t hez a formalist.

Th3n thay w3nted 2 s33 Dum n tha C0unt wuzzed buggin him ab0ut Snap3 killin him agin.

"U SH0ULDNT HA MARGARINIZ3D SNAPE 3VEN IF H3 IZ A JERK" s3d D3rridina.

"SHUT UP N T3L THA M3MARY"  sed Dum.

Thay t0led Dum tha m3mory but he wuz stil POed cuzzed they wuz sp0sed 2 get it n put it in th3 p3nsieve with iz ware u put ur mammariez s0 u can s33 tham lat3r.

"S0 WUT W3 STIL KN0 WUT HAPP3ND" s3d H3rry.

"U GOTTED THAT FR0M MY B00K IT DUZZNT C0UNT" sed tha C0unt.

"WUTEV3R."

H3 gaved tham d3tenti0n whare th3y haved 2 writ3 a thesus.

1 day tha C0unt callt D3rridina 2 hiz offic3.

"STOP HARY FRUM D0IN THA SECTEMBRA SPEL IT MAK3S MAL0Y BL33D N IZ BAD." h3 sed. "N ST0P SNAP3 FRUM KILLIN DUMBELLDOR."

"NOW U ASK 4 H3LP. L0ST UR 3GO OLD MAN?"sed D3rradina.

"SHUT UP N D0 WUT I SAY U M0RON T33NYBOPP3R." sed tha C0unt.

“OK S0 I CAN BE HER0 BUT IM JINXIN U 4 B3IN A JERK" sed Deridina n sh3 maked tha Count lust aft3r H3dwig s0 Dumberd0rt g0tted jeal0us n wuzzed ev3n m0re POed then b4.

N sh3 show3d Hary h0w h3 cutted up Malf0y in tha b00k n feel3d bad ab0ut it.

"THA ME IN THA B00K SUX CUTTIN PEEPL UP WITH A SP3L IZ QEWL." sed Harry.

"N0 ITS NOT CM0N W3 G0TSTAS ST0P DETH EETERZ FRUM COMIN IN THRU THA WARDR0BE IN THAT W3IRD R00M THATS ONLY THARE WEN U N33D IT N TH3N WE G0 WITH DUMBO 2 G3T THA WHORCRUX."s3dded Darrydina.

"WUT D0 WE GET 2 DO" sed Ron n Miney.

"U GET 2 HAV3 ANUTHER LOV3RS QUARR3L" sed Derr3dina. Sh3 feelt bitchy.

Hary went3d 2 tha weird r00m in cas3 Malf0y tryed 2 put tha wardrope in thare. Meenwiles Derridina w3nted 2 turnt Malfoy good.

"Y R U A J3RK" sh3 asked Malf0y.

Malfoy sedded h3 wuz misunderst00ded n g0t angst cuz Luci0us diss3d him 4 likin fl0werz.

"CUM 0VER 2 THA RIGHT SID3 U RNT A KILL3R D00D" s3dded Derridina. "LETZ DO S3X."

"OK" sed Drac0.

N D3rridina st0pted Drac0 frum lettin in th3 deaf eat3rz but thay dasgised thams3lvz az salezm3n n gotted in ennyway but that wuz lat3r.

"OK I TURNT DRAC0 G00D S0 LETZ GIT THA HORCRUX." s3d Derradina. "N W3N I SAY G00D I D0NT IMPLY A VALU3 JUDG3M3NT CUZ THAYR3 BAD."

"0K W3RE G0IN 2 A CAV3 WHARE VOLDAMART DIDDED NASTY STUF 2 0THER KIDZ W3N HE WUZ A ORFIN" sed Dum.

S0 thay did n thare wuz this lak3 in tha cav3 with lotz a d3ad peepl in it n thay cross3d in a b0at.

"IM SCAIRT" sed Hary.

"DONT B3 A WUSS DEAD PEEPL3 R LAMERZ" sed Derridina.

Thay cr0ssed tha lak3 n thare wuz this p0tion thay had 2 drink 2 get at tha wh0rcrux.

"IM DRINKIN THIS" sed Dum.

"N0 UR N0T I AM" sed Herry.

"N0 I AM" s3d Darridina.

Derridina drunked tha p0tion cus she wuz immun3 2 it. Th3n tha d3d peepl atak3d but D3rridina dunned a jinx 0n them that mad3 them d0 disc0 dancin. Th3n Harry tri3d 2 kil h3r cuz sh3 wuz bein tha h3ro n h3 want3d 2 b3 tha her0.

"THAT WUZ DUM BEIN EVIL SUX" sed D3rridina.

"SORRY" sed Horry.

"THATZ OK" sed Derridina.

"U R00L IM G00D AGIN" s3d Hary.

"KEWL" sedded Derradina. Th3n sh3 maked it s0 Harry wuznt a harecrux anym0re. Meenwil3 Dum l00kded at bird p0rn. "LETZ GO" s3d D3rridina s0 thay did.

Tha Count wuz sp0sed 2 st0p bad peepl  fr0m cummin in but Derridinaz jinx wuz stil w0rking s0 h3 wuz d0in perv stuf n  came 2  tha d00r at tha last minut3  but Min3y had alreddy lett3d tha deaf eaterz in disgized  az t00thpaste salezm3n cuz sh3 thotted thay wuz cut3 n R0n tho0ught watev3r cuz h3 wuz dum. Th3n thare wuz l0ts a fitin.

Derradina N WATN0T COME BACK N thare wuz d3th 33terz 0n tha t0wer ware they land3d n Snap3 c0me n Dum sed "SEVR3RUS PLEEZ" wich meenz im a l0zer s0 Snap3 thr0wed a avada curs3 wich kilz p33ple at him.

Derridina figger3d sh3 wuz pr0bly immun3 2 the avada k3davra s0 sh3 tri3d 2 bl0ck it but tha C0unt wuzzed a j3rk n push3d h3r outa tha way n th3n b0th h3 n Dum g0tted hit by it so it als0 kilt tha C0unt witch iz kewl but I b3t h3 com3z bak st00pid s3lf-ins3rtion. N Dumeld0e di3d n fell3d 0ff tha t0wer. That suck3d even if h3 wuz a lam3r. Lam3rz shud git 2morr0 t0o.

N tha pr0fs wuz bumm3d n th0ught mayb3 thay shud shut d0wn tha sk00l cuz h00 wantz 2 s3nd ur kidz 2 s0meplac3 ware peepl git murd3red its kinda cr33py ev3n if itz kewl in a  m0rbid kinda way cuz its p3rverse n stuf.

Thay wuz P0ed cuz Dum di3d d3spite all tha stuf thayd dunned 2 st0p it. "THA NARATIV3 WUZ SP0SED 2 CHANG3 CUZ W3 DID STUF" sed D3rridina. "I HAT3 IT WEN THA NARRATIV3 GITS A ATTITUD3.”

“YEAH” s3d R0n.

“H0W COM3 U LETTED THA DEATH 3ATERZ IN. THAT WUZ DUM." S3d D3rridina.

"THAY L00KED LIK3 0PRESSED OTH3RZ" sed Miney.

"NO THAYRE CAPITALISTS" s3d Derradina.

N Snap3 runned away n n0w w3 kn0w hez 3vil unl3ss Dumbl3d0rk want3d 2 be kilt. H3 wuz s0 dum u nev3r kn0. N n0 on3 kn0wed wut tha p0tion wuz 0r wy Snap3 kilt Dum 0r wut wuz g0in on cuz it w0nt be splaint til tha dethly hallos comez 0ut.

"ALL THIS STUF THAT WONT MAK3 SENS3 TIL THA NEXT B00K SH0WZ H0W NARATIVE IZ UNC0MPLETE N FRAGM3NTED N CAN ONLY B3 ACTUALIZ3D OUTSIDE ITSELF N STUF N ITZ MET0NYMIC." sed D3rridina.

"Y3AH N GINNYZ HOT" s3d Hary.

N thay had a fun3ral n 3vry0ne wuz bumm3d ecept mayb3 tha mistry a magic n Umbridg3 thay might a bin fak3d it 2 cr3ate a fals3 narativ3 2 uph0ld theirs heg3mony n stuf.

"N0W W3 G0TTA GIT THA H0RCRUXES S0 W3 CAN B3AT V0LDAMART" sed Hary.

"NO DUH" s3d D3rridina.

"W3 WANT 2 H3LP U N HARY" sed R0n n Min3y.

"OK U CAN D0 COMIC R3LIEF L0L" sedded Derridina.