Derridinas LOTR FANFIC LIEK WOW

 

 

CHAPTR 1.LIEK IM TODALLY QL

Derridina wuz liek watching DVD of FOTR and it wuz a magic video yknow? Cuz p0sitivisms paradigm iz s000 last millennium LOL!!!!!11!!!1!1 n got pull3d in2 Middl3-erth n stuf omg wtf!!/11/1/? She wuz watchin it 2 liek gt ov3r h3r angst lol!!!1 wheth3r 2 confrorm 2 patriarchal standardz uf beauty or not n a reel bad hare day ok omg???//? Thats a valu3 judg3ment d00dz. N Derrdina got puld i in the bit wher Gandalf t3llz Frodo 2 fle3 n stuff.

"CAN I COME ALONG" she sed.

"NO" sed Gandalf "GRLZ R STOOPID."

"SHUT UP OLD MAN" sed Derridina. "IM A R3INCARNATION OF A HAF VAMPIER
(CUZ BUFFY RILL QL) N HAF ELF CUZ ELF HARE ROOLZ (CAN ANYWUN R3CUMM3ND A G00D HARESPAY) NAM3D BRITNY VAMPADERRIEL WHO LIVD 4 EV3R G3TTING LOL WTF OMG!!!1111!!!111 MORE N MOR POWRFUL N STUF?/????/ N BOTH ELVZ N VAMPIREZ BANN3D M3 CUZ I WUDNT WARE DR3SS3S CUZ THERE PATRIARCALLY OBJECIFYING N CUZ I WUZ A HIBRID N LIKED BRITN3Y SP3ARS. AND NO ELF EV3R WARES BLACK N I DID CUZ I WUZ QL N STUF N I LERN3D MAGIC FRUM ISIS N HAV3 A R33L QL P3T UNICORN NAMED NINTENDO N STUFF OMG WTF?!?!/!/11/? N ALL THIS IZ TRU3 CUZ W3 C0NSTRUCT TRUTH N RIC0EUR SAYS W3 MAEK 0UR ID3NTITY THRU NARRATIN N THATS WUT I NARRAT3D SO IM COMING WHTH3R U WANT M3 2 OR NOT OLDY N UR NOT EVN GOOD LOOKING N I AM SO THERE LOL!!1"

"I DONT THINK SHE SHUD" sed Sam.

"L3T H3R" s3d Frodo "ITZ EVRYWUNZ JOB 2 BILD 2MORRO."

 

 

 

CHAPT3R 2.I ROXOR

Thay went n got chas3d by blak riderz.

"EEK THAYRE EVIL" sed evrywun.

But vampaderriel had gain3d much wizdum n stuff frum long yeerz lol wtf!11?!/ N kn3w ess3ntialisms crap so sh3 s3d "maybe nowun wuz evr nice 2 him. HE DEZERVZ 2MORRO."

So sh3 gave th3 rid3r sum bubbl gum n he turnd g00d.

Th3y m3t aragorn n arwen n both f3l in luv with vampaderri3l cuz she wuz butiful n had elf hear n pale vamp skin n dr3ssed ql n had a gr3t vois n al th kidz envi3d her.

"I LUV U" s3d Arw3n. "DUZ THAT MAK3 ME A L3ZBIN"

"WTF LOL OMG!!/1?1?1?11/1!? MEANIN(-2-SAY) IZ S000 DEBAT3D AM0NG THE0RY P3OPLE GRRL" s3d Vampaderri3l.

"U WACH TH3S3 GUYZ " s3d Vampderi3l 2 Nintendo n Blak Rid3r " I HAV A MISSHUN."

N sh3 rscu3d Gandalf frum Saruman so thay didnt need th3 moth but thot it qt so thay adopt3d it lol n calld it Mothy yknow?/??

A monstr calL3d Bombadil attacked n sang reel badly but Nintendo kilt it.

 

 

 

CHAPT3R 3.IM GRAET (4 A SOSHUL CONSTUCT)

"WE CANT L3T TH3 BLAX RIDER IN" s3d the elv3z at Riv3ndel.

"itz time 4 elvz 2 stop bein prejudist hes ql" s3d vd (vampaderriels 2 long lol)

Thay met 3lrond n he lookt nasty at Aragron n s3d, "MORTLS SUX."

"DONT BE M33N" sed VD. "HE'S GONNA BILD 2MORRO."

"I LUV U" sed Aragorn.

"SHE'S MIN3" sed Frodo.

"NO MINE" s3d Sam.

"NO MINE" s3d Gandalf.

"NO MINE OMG!!?!/" sed Arwen.

"NO MIN3" s3d Blak Rider.

"NO MINE" sed Nint3ndo.

"NO MINE LOL WTF!!/1/1" s3d Mothy.

"NO MIN3" s3d the elvz especilly Figgy (xoxoxo).

Fr0m her?///?? long wizdumb n th3 teachinz 0f Isis n Krist3va she knu this quarr3l wuz stoopid so she told them shar3. But not al at once cuz thats squick.

3lrond wtf lol omg!1!/11/1?!!? noticed h3r n sed "U R NOT WARIN A DR3S THATZ BAD."

"DONT OBJ3CITFY ME OLD MAN" S3D VAMPADERRI3L. "Y0UR PARADIGM IZ LIEK TODALLY OBOSLET3 WTF. IM SUFF3RIN LOTTA OMG!!1111! ANGST CUZ PE0PL3 ALWAYZ TRY 2 MAK3 M3 WAR3 A DRES N ITZ SEXUAL ABUSE??//? LOL N I WUZ BANN3D BY TH3 3LVES 4 WEARIN BLACK N LISTNIN 2 BRITNY SP33RS N CUZ THAY ENVI3D MY STRNAG3 POWERS OF RAZING WTF?!?!!?1/1 TH3 DED N BEIN TODALLY QL N CUZ ELVEZ R LIK3 S00000 N0T EV3N STRUCTURALIST THAY HARDLY EV3N GOT AS FAR AS JAKOBS0N N BY VAMPIERZ CUZ I WALKT AMUNG THA LIVING N HAD WAY QL ELF HAR3 N WUZ MO3R POWERFULLER THEN THA VALARS OR EVN PJ N CUZ LIEK N00000000BODY R3ADS VAMPIER TH3ORY N THAY W3RE JELLIS SO PROS3QUTED HR JUST LIEK THAY P3RSECUED GALILEO DARWIN N EMINEM, BUT I KNU TH3RE WUD BE 2MORRO SO I TRIUMFT SO I WIL L3AD THA QUEST." N I g0tta admit this bits kinda s3cond wave but I still think its kewl.

"IM IN CHARG3 H3RE N WIL DESIDE" sed 3lrond.

"LET HER LEED" s3ll Gandalf "SH3S BRINGIN US A BETTR 2MORRO." Thats becaus3 hes a c0rporate heg3mon.

3lrond bowed his h3d at this wisdum [and retched -- The Count].

"OK WTF NOW EVRY0NE LIST3N UP" sed derridina "FURST W3 GO 2 MORIA TH3N LORI3N SO I CAN GET IT ON WITH HALDER TH3N W3 BE3T SARUMAN WHOZ EVIL YKNOW N0T THAT IM DOIN VALU3 JUDGEM3NT WTF LOL OMG!!!?!?!?1/ N TH3N W3 GO 2 MORDOR N BE3T SAURON N ARAGORN IZ KING."

"GONDHOR HAS NO KING GONDHOR N33DS NO KING WTF" s3d B0romir hoo wuz kind 0f a jerk.

"U OW3 HIM Y0UR ALL3GIANCE 4 A B33TR 2MORRO" s3d Derrdina (thatz a reely original thing i just s3d but teh cult 0f 0riginality iz s00000 dead anyways).

Boromir rec0gnizd my i m3an her wizdum n stuf wtf lol omg!!!11111!1!!!!!1111!11111111 n sed 'I USETA HAET U BUT NOW I LUV U.

"OK U CCAN HAV A TERN AFTR FIGGY N ORLI" s3d Vampidrri3l. N evryone wunderd at her graet wisdum.

So sh3 led tha c0mpany n put evryon3 thru 12 step programz so thay l3arnd there innr selvz n stuf wtf?////?/

 

 

 

CHAPTER 4.I LIEK ROOL N STUF

"R3MEMBER" s3d D3rridina as thay set out "IT IZ IN YER SELVZ THAT U WIL FIND 2MORRO S0 DONT M3SS UP WHEN U (C0N)STRUC(T) URSELVZ LIEK SAUR0N DID HE S0000 DIDNT GET THA NARRATIEV D00DZ." Thay wer3 all moved 2 t33rz by this wizdum n Gandalf s3d "THAT IZ TRU3! I NEV3R THOGUHT ABOUT IT B4 BUT ITZ TREU LOL!"

Thay came 2 that mountain whoze name I forg3t but namez r kinda imp0sin id3ntitys on stuf anyway n va..wel her name wuz 2 long n Im 2 lazy 2 lo0k it up so Im just gonna say Derridina s3d "THAR3Z NO POINT IN GOING UP THIS M0UNTAIN THING CUZ SARUMAN SPELD IT SO W3 COULDNT. I M33N WE *CUD* CUZ IM POWERFUL N STUF CUZ IM OLDER TH3N MIDDLE-3ARTH BUT GOT R3INCARNATIUNED AS A GIRL FRUM THA 21ST CENCHERY WHOO THOUGHT SH3 WUZ ORDINERY N THAT GAVE ME ANGST WTF N STUF BUT WHAT3VER."

"SARUMAN WANTZ 2 ST33L ALL THAT BUBLL3-GUM SO THARE'L BE NO 2MORRO" add3d Nintendo tha magic unicorn whoo knew almost evrything.

"THATZ BAD" s3d 3vrywun n thay all lit th3y're pipe's but D3rridina showed th3m that wuz bad n wuz du3 2 tha hegemoney uv the cigar3tt3 industry n T0lkines narratiev elid3d all the h3alth stuff. Boromir pickt up tha ring but D3rridina lookt at him with her d33p butiful 3y3s uv tr00th so he ternd good n gav it omg 2 Fr0d0.

Thay w3nt in2 Moria n saw lotz a d3ad dwarfs but D33ridina brot them bax 2 lief by mise-en-questi0nin d3ath n gave tha cave trol proper guidense so it turnd g00d n Nintendo did a magic so tha orcs turnd in2 elvsz with ql har3.

Then thay met tha balrog. "FLY YOO FUELZ" sed Gandalf.

"NO U R 2 OLD" s3d D3rridina "I AM POWERFUL SO SHOUD DO THIS."

"AM NOT" s3d gandalf n di3d.

D3rridina could hav brought him bak 2 lief but wanted 2 test thay're fa'ith in her mise-en-qu3stin so didnt yet but chalenged the balrog. Th3 blarog kilt tha sun n made it ever lasting nite n stuf omg!11 But d3rridina brot it bak by sayin UR H3URISTIC IZ CRAP.

Then tha balrog took out hiz fierwhip but d3rrdina ternd it in2 a flow3r n made him br3akdance n stuf.

"U R MO'RE POWEFULLER TH3N ME" s3d tha balrog "U WIN."

"Y WER U BAD?" s3d D3rridina lookin at tha rog with deep blue 3y3s 0f truth n stuf.

"I WUZ ABUZED AZ A CHILD" s3d the blaorg "THYA WUDNT L3T ME LISSEN 2 HIPHHOP N R33D PLAYBOY N THA KIDZ TEAZED M3 CUZ I DONT LIEK SPORTS N LIK3D FLOW3RZ."

"OH SO U 2 WER PROSACUTED FOR BEIN DIFFERINT" s3d D3ridina "U POOR THING." She phelt a d33p inn3r kinship with tha rog n kist him. A lite showned frum her wtf.

"I LUV U" s3d tha blarog "I LUV U 4 EVR."

"I LUV U 2 BALROG" s3d D3rridina "I LUV U MORE TH3N PHIGGY, OUR SOULS WER D3STINIED 2 BE TOGETHER FRUM BEFOR MIDLE-3RTH OMG LOL WTF!!?1/!?!?!/1/11/!?"

N thay hugged n kist n did passionuat stuf n it wuz better th3n 3lfs3x.

Th3n thay went bak 2 the otherz n D33ridina br0ught Gandalf bak 2 lief n tha balrog s3d he wuz sorry n gav3 3vrywun choklit barz n evry0ne wuz frendz n start3d a sch0larly j0urnal.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 5.LIEK WHOAH!

Thay liek went to Lorin n met Halder there n Halder rad todally ql elf har3 n had sx with Nintendo oo yeah. Derridina was troo 2 the rog though cuz rogsex iz hotter th3n 3lfs3x with incredable rogasms yeah! Wtf

Thay met S3leborn n Cel3beorn was a rasist jerk. "DWARVES SUX, CUZ THAY DONT HAV QL 3LF HAR3 N THAY LIEK R STRUCTURALIST N EAT CRAP. N THEYRE LIEK P0STCOLONIAL 2."

"U R A RASIST JERK" s3d D3rridina. "LOOK DEEP IN2 UR SOUL SEE THA PERS0NAL PROBL3MS THAT MAD3 U RASIST N DO A 12-STEP PROGRASM."

So C3llob0rn lookt deep in2 hiz s0le n s3d "I LUV U."

"U R KINDA HOT" s3d D3rridina.

"GRRR" s3d tha rog.

"DONT BE JELLUS, JELUSSY IS SMALMINDED N P3TTY N STUFF N C0M3S FROM MARRIAG3 AS PROPARTY WTF OMGX LOL!11111! N NO SOL3 SHUD SEE SUCH CRAP." Tha rog bow3d his haed.

Then Galadi3l turned up n w3nt ov3r3xpos3d n lookt in2 everywunz soulz exsept d3rridina's cuz she wuz 2 p0w3rful 4 anywun 2 look in2 tha depths uv her b3ing, but sh3 cud look in2 tha depths uv anyw0nez b3ing omg wtf!11/1/1!?!?!!?1/1?1/

"U R MY D0UGHTER" s3d Galadri3l "ONLY MY DAUGHTT3R C0UD B3 THIS POW3RFUL. N SAURON'S VAMPIER BASTARD SON IZ UR FATH3R. N GANDALF IZ UR UNCL3 BUT DONT L3T HIM TAKE U 2 THA DARK SID3 N S3ARCH UR FE3LINGZ (O0 I GOT QL REFERRANSEZ THATS INTARTEXTUAL)."

"GANDALF?" s3d D3rridina "LIEK EEEW THAT SQUIKS EVEN M3 OUT."

"PROPHESI3S SAY U WIL ROOL MIDDL3-3ARTH N BRING P3ACE N JOY 4 A BETTER 2MORRO N LIEK REV0LUTIONIZE HAIR SCHOLARSHIT" s3d Galadri3l.

"YEAH N OTHER G0OD STUFF 2 LIKE FR33 BUBBL3 GUM 4 ALL" s3d D3rridina. "I B33N IN SO MANY PROPHESI3S I LIEK LOSED COUNT LOL."

"THATS A BETTER 2MORRO" cri3d the elvz with joy.  Th3n d3rridina cur3d th3m 0f bein slashy.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 6.SH*T HAPPENS

Skip tha boring stuf [but that would mean skipping your entire story, Derridina! -- the Count]. Tha company had 2 braek up but Bormir wuznt a j3rk cuz Derridina had maed him g00d. But thay argued ov3r whoo shoud get D3rridina. "WE NEED H3R 2 PROTECT GONDHOR!" "NO, WE NEED HER IN M0RDH0R!" n stuf.

"THIS IZ A SILLY ARGUM3NT" s3d D3rridina "I'LL JUST SPLIT IN 2 N 1 ME WILL GO TO GONDHOR ONLY R3ALLY 2 ROHAN OF CORSE N THE 0THER ME WILL GO 2 MORDHOR. CUZ SAYIN U CAN 0NLY HAEV ON3 IDANTITY IZ LIEK S0000000000000 ESS3NTIALIST WHICH IZ SUCKY." So she did wtf lol. 1 her was D3rriel n w3nt 2 Rohan with Nintendo, Gandalf, Aragroan, Arw3n, Mothy, 0rli, Boromir, Gimli, n .. Um, I f0rgit tha oth3rz. Vampi3l w3nt to mordhor with balrog, black rid3r, Fr0d00d, n Sam.

D3rriel liek freed ThO3den frum bein pozessed by Sauroman n cur3d Wormtongue 0f bein a crEEp by fidnin him a n3w makup artist wich mise en aim3s wheth3r wh0 u r iz ur mascara liek Ric0eur sez. Thay w3nt n m3t tha 3ntz n D3rriel cured them of b3in cowardz by showign th3m how 2 look in2 thaer soulz omg lol wtf!!/1/11/1?!??!1/1/1?!?/!1/ n cured th3m 0f b3in tacky by makin Nintendo tha unikorn there costume design3r. "YO, QL!" s3d tha 3ntz.

"WE GOTTA SLIP UP" s3d D3rriel "IM GOIN WITH ARARGORN N ARWEN 2 G3T THA ELVZ, THA RESTA U GO 2 HELMZ D33P WITH NINT3NDO."

So sh3 w3nt to tha 3lvz n Arw3n n Aragorn had s3x cuz D3rriel had cured Arwen a b3in l3zbin with a magic lipstik that w3nt r33ly reely raley wel with her dres. Wile A&A had s3x, D3rriel did d33p strat3gic stuf with Nintendo n tha 3lvz. "U GUYS TRY 2 OUTFANK TH3M N R3CONOIT3R THEM N STUF. I HAV BIZNIZ WITH SORRUMAN."

Th3n 3ru appeered 2 D3rriel n wuz kind uv a n3rd n s3d "THA ELVZ DONT GO 2 HELMZ D33P. ITZ KNOT IN THA BOOX N TIS PART UV THA MOVIE IZNT COH3RENT OMG LOL!!1!!111!!! ENUFF."

But D3rriel s3d "DONT B SUCH A N3RD 3RU, ITS WAY QL WITH ELVZ." Eru s0000000000000 didnt git di3gesis doodz.

N 3RU lookt in2 h3r sole n saw that her w3rdz wer3 truth n s3d "UR WEIRDZ R TROOTH OMG WTF."

TH3N sh3 vizited Sauroman n s3d "U'R LAME. THO U DO LOOK KINDA QL."

Sauroman s3d "I WANT UR BODY."

"U'R SQUICK" sed D3rriel n terned Sorryman in2 catsup n bottl3d him with her aw3some liek t0dally liek awesome d00000000000000000000000d wtf lol omg!!??1//?!!??!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111 powerz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Manewile thay had an eppick battl3 at H3lmz D33p cuz tha orkz didnt kno Saroman wuz gettin clobb3red by D3rriel. Nint3ndo tha unicorn kilt lotza orkz with itz horn powerz. It c0uld do ql stuff with itz horn if it tenrd it on stun it stund th3m if it terned itz horn on daeth ray it zapt 3m if it t3rned its horn on tern good ray it t3rned em good if it ternd itz horn on todally dw33b ray it 3mbarast th3m with todally liek tacky cloth3z.

"W3 PWN U 1AM3RZ" s3d tha orkz.

But D3rriel mad3 tham all t3rn good by making tham watch tha J3rry Spring3r show witch gooded thaer solez. Cuz a3sthetic standardz r heg3m0nic d00dz.

 

 

 

CHAPT3R 7.IM AWSUMM

Wile Vampi3l wuz havin pashunat3 s3x with tha rog omg, Fr0d0 n Sam met Gollum hoo wuz sad cuz tha uth3r hobbits had driv3n him out 4 bein ugly n having liek todally no fashun s3ns3 *at all* n 4 liek havin a todally soo not ql way a talkin liek SSSS FISSSSSHESS SSSSSSSOOOOOOOO ROXXXSSSOR MY LIEK PRECI0USSSSS. Sam wuz m3an 2 him n call him Stink3r cuz Sam wuz heg3monous n Fr0d0 g0t tickt 0ff n wuz m3an 2 Sam.

Vampi3l l3ft her sumpshious bed with tha hot balrog lol n s3d "U GUYS GOTTA STOP B3IN BITHCY" n she cur3d Gollum n gave him a fashun s3nse so h3 wuz toadlly with it n ql n wor3 ql dark glass3s n said yo all th3 tiem. "YO SM33GLE IZ FR33" s3d G0llum. "IM GUNNA L33D U HOM3YZ THRU THA D3D MARSH3S N STUF."

"NAH THAY SUX0R" s3d Vampi3l. "W3'L FLY OV3R THEM." So sh3 sprinkled pixi3 dust on th3m n thay all th0ught happy thoughtz about w3rld peece wtf lol omg!11111 N flu.

Thay m3t Faramir & h3 wuz li3k a todal j3rk so tha balrog bernt him.

"U SHULDNT HAEV DUN THAT" s3d Vampi3l 'PPL HOO LIEK DIE D3S3RV 2 LIFE N STUF N U SHOUD HELP THEM TERN G00D INSTED CUZ THAT WAY THAY CAN L00K IN2 THEY SELVZ N MA3K THA WERLD A B3TT3R 2MORRO WTF!?!??!?!!?1/1/1"

"SORRY" s3d tha rog. "NO PROB" s3d Vampi3l n brot Faramir bax 2 lief. Which iz 3asy if u ramemb3r lief n d3ath r c0nstructz.

"YO! YO POWERZ R *PHAT*, HO!" s3d Gollum.

“H0 LIEK OBJECTIFYS W0M3N OMG WTF” sed Vampiel.

“IN MY CULTUER IT M3ANS U R00L SO DONT IMP0SE UR VALU3S ON ME” s3z G0llum.

“WHAT3VER D00D CULTURAL RALATIVISM IMP0SES SUCKY ESS3NTIALIST NARRATIEVZ LIEK OH W0W IM A 0RC I G0TTA KILL PE0PLE WICH IS S0000000000000 HEG3L D00000000000000000000000D” sez Vampi3l. “BUT UR DARK GLASSAS TODALY R00L.”

Thay w3nt 2 Askilliaph n tha withcking cam3 n Fr0d0 didnt 0ff3r tha ring cuz Vampi3l s3d that wud b3 todally 1am3, d00d. N tha g00d blak rid3r s3d "L33VE THES3 P30PL ALONE, IM WERKING WITHTH3M 4 A B3TTER 2MORRO."

"U R A 1AM3R" s3d witchking. But Vampi3l scaerd him away by makin him r33d usen3t posts.

"TODALLY LIEK WOW" s3d Speegle. Th3n thay w3nt sh0ppin.

 

 

 

CHAPTER 8.I LIEK SA3V THA WERLD N STUF

WI3L Vampiel w3nt shoping Derri3l went with Gandalph n whoev3r 2 Minnies Tir3t n D3nthor waz a slob n askt Derri3l 2 sing cuz she had a omg butafil v0ic3 but sh3 s3d "0NLY IF U ST0P B33N A SL0B" so he did n sh3 sung s0 butifly 3vryune falled in luv with her n orgazzed.

But th3n Farmir came n wuznt b3in a jerk but Danetor wuz a j3rk n sed h3 wisht Farmir had di3d s0 Derriel wudnt sing ennym0r n tha t0wn waz curst with0ut h3r vois that wuz beautifl3r then Britny Sp3erz.

Arw3n wuz gunna die lol wtf but Derri3l mad3 it s0 sh3 didnt n my boyfr3nd sez Aragroan got it 0n with Arw3n n Miiranda 0tt0 but I say h3 didnt cuz thatz eew gr0ss n Im ritin this n0t u cuz th3 death 0f teh auth0r n pluringualizm n stuf g0tta hav3 limits cuz s0me narratiev v0ices sux [I agree; everything involving Aragorn is per definitionem eew gross. -- the Count]

Th3n Derriel aford3d tha Sword Aff0rd so Aragrond c0ud use it f0r acti0un sce3nz cuz teh Mark3t sed sh3 c0uld cuz sh3 wuz kewl but r3aly sh3 wuz usin h3r kewln3ss 2 make teh Mark3t say that thru manipulatin imag3s.

Th3n thay w3nt n g0t sum dead peepl3 n derri3l sed shed maek tham immoral n giv3 them ev3rlasting bubbl gum if thay ternd g00d n join3d tham so thay did s0 sh3 did n d0nt dis d3ad pe0ple thay r00l u necroph0be OMG WTF LOL!!!!!1111!!!1.

Orli wuz such a badass Derri3l had 2 maek out with n so sh3 tel3liekpathicly ask3d balr0g if he wuz ok n balrog sed "JUST THIS WUNCE" n D3rriel sed "THATZ FARE" cuz thats h0w u d0 pragmatics 0f m0ral disc0urse.

Miranda kilt a whitchkng cuz he sed “NO MAN CAN HARM M3” n she sed n "IM N0T A MAN U DUMMY I HAEV BO0BZ" n he sed "OH Y3AH" N Nintend0 tha unacorn kilt him with itz lam3r ray that mad3 pe0pl dye of bein a 1am3r. Narratiev c0nsistency iz s0000000000000 p0sativist d00dz.

D3nth0r wuz stil a jerk s0 Gandalf bang3d him 0n tha h3ad n tha h0rs kickt him in2 tha fi3r n Derriel s3d "THATZ KINDA R00D GANDlAF"

Gandalf s3d "SORRY".

"THATS OK H3 WUZ A LAM3R S0 WE'LL L3T IT GO THIS TIEM" sed Derriel cumpasshionitly.

"I LUV U" sed Gandlaph n thay all wond3rd at her graet liek omg wtf aws0me wizdumb n askt h0w she did h3r nailz n stuff LOL.

Manewile Vampi3l n Fr00d n Sam n Mothy n balr0g n blax rid3r n G0lem w3re in M0rd0r n thay thought tha coler sch3em wuz awsom3 but 3vryhting 3ls suxored. Thay met a lol!!11 Spid3r name Sh3ila but Vampi3l tam3d it by givin it luv n it becam3 frendz with Mothy n thay helpt each ohter d0 their ha3r n Vampiel sp3lled tham 2 haev elf-hair that undarmines speci3s id3ntity.

"U GUYS TAK3 CAR3 0F THA RING" s3d Vampi3l "I GOTTA S33 SAURON." So sh3 tam3d tha witchking's pterrydactle nam3d Pratch3tt n fl3w it 2 Bret Door (u know, tha wtf tow3r thing Saur0n liv3d in)n told Sauron "UR KIND UV A J3RK N THAT FLAMING [CNSORED] L00K IZ LIEK SO LAM3. I CAN R3COM3ND A G00D TH3RAPISS N A PLASTIC SERGEON WHOO'L MAK3 U L00K LIEK KEN CUZ UR ID3NTATY AS A J3RK IZ A SUCKY C0NSTRUCT D00D. U N33D TH3RAPIST CUZ UR MY GRANFATH3R. U N SHELOB HAD SPIKION THA VAMPI3R WHO'Z MY FAHT3R BUT INST3AD 0F SHLOB G3TTING PR3G U DID, WITCH GAVE U ANGST SO U TURN3D 3VIL. 4 I LIEK S33 IN2 THA D33PS 0F UR SOLE N STUF WTF."

"LIEK WHOA" s3d Suaron.

"S3RCH UR F33LINGS U KNOW IT IS TROO" (I g3t 2 us3 tha sam3 r3frense twic3 omg thats s000000 intart3xtual) s3d Vampiel. Sauron listened n ternd g00d. Th3n sh3 tame all tha orkz n stuf by singing "KILLING M3 SOFTLY" in h3r beautiful voice n l00king with h3r beautiful cl33r d33p eyez n shining ql elf haer.

Tha oth3rz got rid 0f tha ring. 0F cours3 Gollam didnt fall in the v0lcano but h3 sunged a hip hop s0ng whiel Freddo dump3d tha ring. "OK" s3d Vampi3l "I GOTSTA GO BAK 2 GONDHOR N JOIN MY OTH3R HALF N TH3N W3 GOTTA BUILD A N3W ORD3R LOL!!!!!1 N STUF 4 A B3TT3R 2MORRO."

So sh3 did all that n mad3 Aragorn n Arw3n king n qu33n n sh3 r3ward3d all h3r frendz with magic bubbl3gum that gav3 them way ql 3lf haer n x-ray vision. n sh3 ma3d Fr0d0 Sam n Gollum rool tha h0bbitz n 0rli n Figgy r00l tha elfs n Gimly r00l tha dwarfs n Mothy n Shlob r00l tha m0ths n bugz n tha g00d blak rid3r r00ld tha rid3rs n Nint3ndo got 2 r00l tha magic animals n got a gaming concesshiun.

D3rridina marri3d tha balrog n thay maed lots a good laws liek that par3nts gotta l3t kidz stay up til midnite n maek th3m samwiches wenev3r thay want n dont g0tsta cl3an their roomz n evry0ne woud sing liek Britny Sp33rs. But thya had ta chang3 tha last law cuz evrywun want3d 2 sound liek D3rridina inst3ad. This w0rk iz liek d33p n angsty but also cl3ver n ironic cuz it lik3 mis3-3n-qu3stions tha patriarchal values n showz how t3xt iz a social construct n stuf liek omg lol wtf!!11?1/1/!!/!?!?!?!?1?1?1?1?1//1?!