FATS Alphabetical Web Index
(See also:
Offices and services AND
Faculty)
Admissions (Graduate): see Colleges and departments
Admissions (Undergraduate)
Alumni Relations, Office of: See "Development" under Offices and services
ATLAS: This program aids in building maintenance through utlization of a giant holding up the FATS buildings' roof. However, his main function is holding up Morambar's Truths, so that they don't collapse. His sidekick is Lakshmi, because Atlas figured two limbs wouldn't be enough to hold THAT together. (For the same reason, Lakshmi's sub-sidekick is Bobby the Giant Centipede.)
Barracks: The Colleges have excellent killing facilities, including a high-quality sports ground with firearms, daggers, WMD, and cricket pitches; a squash court; and a well-equipped wights room in Madham College. On the river, we have our own navy, stocked with the quality and quantity of equipment found in most navies: eights, fours, sculls and ergometers.
There are opportunities for men and women and elves and dwerrows and smurves and ents and hobbits and jellyfish at various levels of ability, including that of complete beginners. As a result, many who disdained warfare at school find themselves participating both enthusiastically and brutally at the "Dear Ol' Academy" (also called the Ack).
Bombadil Institute of Musical Arts: The School of Music and the professor of poetry are attached to this institute--in the case of the professor of poetry, literally, as this official is kept on a short leash. This is fitting, since the lectures are all in doggerel.
Botanical Brothel Burrowing Brigade: It is one of the oldest parts of the Academy, according to Dr. Lustmolch the Sicko, who heads it. Its role and connexion to TOLKIEN are classified. Membership in this organization is restricted to postgraduate students.
Brothel Maintenance: The Vicelord of Brothels, assisted by the Deputy Pimp, is responsible for maintenance of Pleasure-Oriented Resident Nurse (PORN) quality.
If you have a maintenance requirement involving PORNs, you should complete a Maintenance Request Form (available at the Lodge, to which all completed forms should be returned). These are collected and dealt with throughout the course of the day. If there is a difficulty over the weekend, you will have to wait, for the PORNS then have far more lucrative gigs than *you* can supply. However, if you have an urgent request you should contact the Domestic Bunny.
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Building Maintenance (& Grounds)
Burkha Department: Monitors female students to ensure they conform to the Academy's dress code. Tolkien's truth demands no less.
Bus Service: We are part of the Get-Lost Group PLC, one of the five major groups involved in running busses in Fredonia. The Get-Lost philosophy is that our busses will arrive when they feel like it. In Oxfat, this policy has enabled us to double the amount of exercise students get in the last ten years. Faculty and administration have Eagles at their disposal.
Calendar (FATS)
Calendar of Events
Campus Programs, Office of
Career Services, Office of: See "Career Services" under Offices and services
Cemetery of Heretics: Located in Oxfat's scenic Bilgewater Blog, this is where devotees of Harry Potter, Pullman, and Pratchett are buried alive. This cemetery can be a highly entertaining sight, as the heretics' zombies wreak havoc from time to time. Don't miss the barrow wights!
Cemetery of Heroes: This is where professors and students are buried who died in fights about Tolkien minutiae. Noeel has a chapel here, or did before he went rogue.
Centre for Adv. Training in Cell. Wouldn't you like to know.
Christopher "Tolkien" Vomitorium: In antiquity, when it was believed that Christopher Beast was Tolkien's son and was good, our forebears erected a statue in his honor. After it was revealed that he is the Spawn of Evil, the statue was moved to a less salubrious part of Oxfat, and a vomitorium was built around it. For if it be required that faculty and students retch at the mention of the Abomination's name, how much more must they be sick in the presence of its image.
Count of Monte Fato's Palazzo: Best avoided by all save the mightiest. Even the Viceregent of MORAMBAR, Pseudonymus the Jellyfish, brings along an armed guard whenever he needs to visit it. For its seigneur wields the Ring of Devastating Bon Mots.
Controller, Office of: This is the Sanctum Sanctorum, where TOLKIEN appears to MORAMBAR and reveals His Will. No lesser being may enter it. (Located in the centre of the Morambarium. Once a janitor went there by accident and was damned. His bleached bones remain as a warning.)
Counselling Centre: See Student Secretary
Course Descriptions and Scheduling
Curse Approval Office: Tells people what curses are allowed. For example, you can use avada kedavra on anyone who reads Harry Potter. Also approves voodoo curses. Of course, any sudent who curses his prof is instantly killed and fed to security, unless the prof is an officially recognised douchebag, or misquotes TOLKIEN. (Those are counted as exttra credit.) Cursing Noeel is more or less OK, but he's curse-proof, and probably did a weird ritual or spell to innoculate himself. We daresay he sold his soul, or every cell in his body is already cursed, and cannot be recursed. He's out TOLKIEN knows where in the desert anyway.
Custodial Services
Dean of Students: Student Secretary
Death and Destruction Programme
Debate And Flaming Theory Programme: Headed by Morgil, who has the dubious honor of being the faculty member most often killed by MORAMBAR. Flaming the Boss is going too far.
Deserted Volcano (nuclear testing; top secret)
Dining Services
Directory, Phone and E-mail
Disabilities Support Services for Students: The hobbits didn't need them, so we're not sure why you think YOU do. Who are you, anyway?
Emergency: Pray to TOLKIEN, or run.
Enrollment Services: see Fatbollah
Evil Eye Clinic: Treats those who have been brainwashed or cursed by Christopherites (devotees of Christopher Tolkien) or Humphrey Carpenter.
Exam Schedule, Final
Facilities Maintenance & Operations
Faculty Experts
Fatbollah: FATS' terrori...er,freedom fight...er, well, let's just say non-conventional warriors. Join them, and earn both eternal glory and extra credit!
FATBUL (FATs BULletin) Newsletter
Fatigan's Isle (sports club): See Sports
Faternities: FATS has globs of student fraternities with phony Greek abbreviations, like Delta Omikron Rho Kappa Sigma, Kappa Rho Alpha Pi, Alpha Phi Tau, Tau Rho Omicron Lambda Lambda, etc.
FATS Learned Organization Press (FLOP). Puts out a cutting-edge scholarly journal, the Review of the Academy of Tolkien Studies (RATS).
FATS-TV
Fees and Expenses
Finance and Treasurer, Office of: See "Finance" under Offices and services
General Counsel, Office of: See "General Counsel" under Offices and services
Gun Lobby: See Myrmidons Of Entropy
Gymnasium
Hatred
Heraldry
Horitorium: Horus Engels's lecture hall, whose interior is got up like an ancient Egyptian pyramid with hieroglyphics representing Tolkien's flame war with Lewis on whether Gandalf would have supported Franco.
Housing
ID Cards
Incredibly Stinky Giant Cigar
Information Centre
Inside FATS Online
Jellyfish Institute: A multidisciplinary programme devoted to studying and celebrating the art, literature, history, and financial acumen of jellyfish.
Kidnapping Form
Killing Fields
Library
Life Cycle Institute
Liturgical Office of TOLKIEN Worship and Ritual
Maintenance & Operations
Merchandise
Meteor Club
Morambarium
Myrmidons Of Entropy (MOE)
National Tolkien School of Social Service and Jihad
Newspaper: See Throttler
Orientation, New Student
Parents' Council
Payroll, Laughingly Called
Policies & Procedures
Postal Services
Projects
Public Safety: see Myrmidons Of Entropy (MOE)
Purchasing
Registrar, Office of the: See "Registrar" under Offices and services
Risk Management
Sacred Stone: Erected in the place where TOLKIEN first set His feet on Fredonian soil, this monument is located far to the North, and guarded by vodka-strengthened Finns and mooserogs.
Scheduling
Shagrat's Pub
Statue of the Unknown Scholar
Student Accounts
Student IDs
Student Programs and Events
Student Secretary
Summer Sessions
Teleporno's Pleasure Bathing Place
This Week @ FATS
Throttler
Tolkien's Home Museum
Treasurer, The: See "Finance" under Offices and services
Visitor Centre
Weapons of Mass Destruction
Welcome Centre
WFATS Radio, 66.6 FM
White Horse, a pub in Oxford that TOLKIEN cursed when it durst charge Him for a drink.
Writing and Propaganda Centre