TOLKIEN -- BELOVED PIPE-SMOKING PROFESSOR OR MINION OF EVIL
by
Count Tildaneur de Balrogue
who has hacked into this site because he can
so nyah
PS. FATS is rubbish
[THIS ARTICLE IS BLASPHEMIOUS LIES]
"Tolkien" (it's obvious that wasn't his real name) was a fifth-rate propagandist, a party hack whose lies about balrogs, orcs, white mice in kaftans, and practically everything else weren't even very *good* lies (though at least they helped pay for the dope). Take, for example, Shagrat. Would anyone reading Tolkien's screed believe that, as Lang (2005) has shown conclusively, Shagrat was a refined, sensitive soul who sang madrigals in a not unpleasing falsetto voice, accompanying himself on the dulcimer, and that his crotcheting was admired throughout Middle-earth? Aragorn and Gandalf burned all his sonnets, laughing sarcastically. Jerks.
Saruman, far from the incompetent power-mad traitor depicted by "Tolkien," was a dearly beloved schoolteacher. He would puff on his pipe and sing "Yellow Submarine" (Lang, 2005) while hanging out with left-wing balrogs (Beamused, 2005). His art students loved him. He would smear himself with paint, earning the nickname "Saruman of many colors" (Lang, 2005). for he loved art so much that he made *himself* a work of art. Needless to say, that crack addict Gandalf scuttled the submarine.
And this is only the tip of the iceberg.
Although some scholars (Khamul, 1044) say that it was the iceberg that scuttled the submarine and this is only the tip of the Gandalf.
These are precisely the sorts of issues we shd be discussing. but no one cares. And don't get me started on how "Tolkien"'s minions have completely censored Khamul's contributions to our understanding of Middle-earth.
In light of Lang's discovery that the Fellowship of the Ring were actually a rather poor rock band called "Fellowship of the Sing", it is interesting to note that the Nazgul were one of the premier opera companies of the time. So why did "Tolkien" depict them as nasty screaming wraiths with bad breath?