Chapter 1. The Snarks R s000000000 not Gam3 The0ry Experts
There's like this family named liek the Starks and Theyre lik3 t0dally the liek p0wer structur3 in the N0rth and the Ned's name is like Ned though there's a the0ry that sez Ned was a woman LOL and the moms is like Catlin n the kids are lik3 Rob n Sandra and Aria n Brand and Ripken and Jon only Jon didn't count in their cultuer CUZ he was a bastard and bastards g0t dist cuz their society was bastardz phobic and Ned was consider3d weird for 3ven keeping Jones at h0me and ROFL. N the Readers lik3 WE WIKE THE STARKS n Martins ROFL SUCK3RS. Cuz the reader-respons3 critic Hans-Robert Jauss lik3 s000000000 defined literature as a dialectic process of liek producti0n and rec3ption (Rezeption d00dz). For Jauss, read0rz majorly have a liek c3rtain mental liek set n stuff, a "horiz0n" of 3xpectations (Erwartungshorizont), from which like persp3ctiev lik each lik r3ader, like at like any liek given lik tiem lik in liek hist0ry, like readz. So the 3rwartungshoriz0nt t0dally sez the Storks ROFL rule.
And the Snarks like all g0t werewolf 2 trope that they g0t multiple identiti3z which is t0dally the mataphoric poll like in like Jacobsen d00dz and Jon g0t a whiet wolf that was differant then the otherz 2 trope he's margarinalized. And Theo didnt get one coz he isn't a Stork he was a Ir0n Island d00d who g0tted hostage cuz the Iron Islands fight against Ned and buddy Robert who was king so the islands wuz teh wrong p0wer structuer and anyway wolves wer3n't there a3sthetic.
So anyway this d00d desserts the Nights Watch which guarded the N0rth border CUZ they th0ught (and speech recognition otherz c0mmunicati0n CUZ it's too dumb to KN0W the word th0ught) they guarded against wildlingz and otherz who were zombie things they g0t called otherz to other them. But Ned catched n kilt the d00d in a public executi0n to do a3sthetic to pow3r.
Ned's like YO BRAN YOU KN0W HOW COME I KILT HIM PERSONAL.
Bran's lik WILDLINGZ R BAD CUZ THAYRE CULTURAL 0THERZ N THA Z0MBIEZ GIT CALL3D OTH3RZ 2 TR0PE THAT WILDLINZ R 0THERZ N SUX N THAY TALK C0CKNEY THATS CLASSIST.
N3d sez THAT WHY W3 NEED THA NIGHTS WATCH CUZ THE WILDLINZ G0TTA GIT KILT EXC3PT A F3W W3 ASSIMILAET N F0RCE 2 HAVE 0UR CULTUER CUZ W3 G0T MISSI0N CIVILISATRIC3 POSTC0L0NIAL BLAH BLAH BLAH sez N3d. THAT'S Y DESERTERS ARE BAD AND ALSO CUZ TREASON BADS THEIR ID3NTITY BUT I M3ANT Y I HAD TO KILL HIM PERSONAL IT'S CUZ OUR SOCIAL MORES SEZ A P0WER STRUCTUER G0TTA DO IT DIRECT OR IT DOESN'T COUNT BECUZ IT MEANS HE'S A WIMP THAT DISSES OUR MASCULINITY PARADIGM.
LIKE WOW sez Bryan.
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And king Robert and queen Ceci n'est t0dally pas a pipe d00dz come with their liek incest asteroids only no one KN0Ws that yet Jeff who's like teh crown princ3 and is like a total jerk but we don't KN0W that yet 3ither and Marcella and Tomm3n n Cessy brotherz Jamie and Tyrr0n though Cessy didn't like Tyran cuz he was a dwarf so the cultuer sez he's icky and their personalities were s000000000 not compatibl3. They were all Lannister they were capitalists who were like seri0usly into hostile takeovers d00dz.
Robot is liek YO NED D00D I'M MAKIN YOUR HAND WHICH IS LIKE PRIMAL LIEK MINISTER SO YOU CAN DO THE BORON ADMINISTRATIEV STUFF WHILE I GET TO DO DISS0LUTE NOT CUZ I'M MIS3 EN QUESTION SOCIAL NORMZ BUT KOZ I'M USIN MY P0WER STRUCTUER SO I DON'T HAVE TO DO THEM. Cuz followin Lewis (1969) liek gam3-theor3tic account of conventi0ns n stuff, Edna Ullmann-Margalit (1977) n Bicchieri (2006) have lik t0dally developed theories of s0cial normz that define them as Nash equilibria that s000000000 result from transforming a liek mixed-m0tive gaem into a coordination gam3 d00dz. LOL.
And Ned's like ZOMG D00D KINGS LANDIN IS S000000000 NOT MY SC3NE CUZ I DON'T DO P0LITICS G00D CUZ WE DON'T DO THAT STUFF UP HERE CUZ YOUR P0WER STRUCTUERS R TOO COMPLICATED AND LIKE 0PAQUE THAMSELVES SO YOU DON'T KN0W WHAT THEY ARE.
And Robs like DON'T BE SUCH A LAM3R YOU G0T L33T MANAGER SKILLS AND LORD OF WINTERFILE T0DALLY LIEK QUALIFI3S YOU FOR THE P0SITION YOUR RESUME LIEK T0DALLY LIKE FITS D00D.
CAN I GIT BACK TO YOU GRACE D00D sez Ned.
CONSID3R WELL BUT NOT TOO L0NG THAT'S INTERT3XTUAL WTF sez Robot. AND LET'S DO ARRANGED MARRIAEG ALLIANCE STUFF AND MAKE JOFFR3Y MARRI SANSA AND DO JOINT HEGEMONY THAT R00lZ said Rob.
I'LL ASK CATLIN said Ned.
OK BUT TOMORROW I'M PULLIN RANK BUT NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHIN MOER INTERESTIN sez Robot DURIN TEH WAR YOU HAD THIS RILLY HOT BABE AT LEAST I GUESS SHE WAS HOT CUZ SHE MAD3 YOU MAKE A BASTARD AND YOU ARE S000000000 TRADITIONAL M0RALITY D00D AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME HER PHYSICAL ATTRIBUT3S SO I CAN COMPAER THEM TO MY FANTASIES HOS WOMEN ARE SEX 0BJECTS OR ELSE THEY ARE BREWED MARES SO THEY EITH3R G0TTA SERVE OUR LIBIDOS OR DO DYNASTIC STUFF FOR US EITHER WAY THEIR FUNCTI0N IS US CUZ WERE PATRIARCHYS sez Robert.
And N3d's like 2 Rob0t: N0R WILL I ADULTARY SUX CUZ SOCIAL N0RMZ SEZ SO N CUZ W0MEN R PROPARTY N MAEKS BASTERDZ N SOCI3TY IZ T0DALLY HYP0CRITICAL CUZ IT SEZ D00DZ WH0 MAEK BASTRADS R RAD N MACH0 BUT TH3N IT DISSES BASTERDZ N YEAH I KN00W U DID IT 2 BUT U WERE PR0BABLY DRUNK N ANYWAYS U R MARRIED 2 CESSY N SHES A MAJ0R ICE QUEEN S0 CHEATIN ON HER IZ ALM0ST A VIRTU3 BUT IM MARRI3D 2 A LIEK S000000 MODEL 0F WIF3LY CHASTITY S0 I SUX.
And Robots liek WHOA D00D GUILT TRIP CITY YOU T0DALLY NEED TO GET A GRIP CUZ YOUR SUPER3GO IS S000000000 OUT OF CONTROL CUZ MARITAL FID3LITY TOTALING DOESN'T APPLY TO US SPECIALLY IN THE ARMY IT'S FOR LAM3RS.
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Then they like did a feast to do p0litics as sp3ctacle cuz a3sthetics and fascism do imaegs and stuff and bodies git written as text so Jon g0t literally margarinalized cuz he had to sit away fr0m the Stocks who g0t to sit with the ROFL royal p3ople but he g0t the better deal as he didn't have to sit near Joffrey who liked pret3nding his food was torture victims lik EEEEEEEEW.
And Uncle Ben who's in the Nights Watch comes up 2 J0n and said YO D00D YOUR RACIALLY OTHER WEREWOLF MAJORLY R00LZ YOUR SERIOUSLY PLASTERED D00D.
And Jon's liek YEAH T0DALLY HIS NAMES GH0ST TH3 WOLF NOT THE BOOZE ROFL LOL.
And Uncle Ben is like ROFLMAO D00D.
And Jon's liek UNCLE BEN D00D THE KNIGHTS WATCH IS T0DALLY AWESOME AND I'D R0X0R IN IT WITH MY LEET SWORD SKILLS I'D T0DALLY PWN THE WILDLINZ OMG!!!
LIEK WHOA D00D YOU S000000000 DON'T KN0W WHAT YOU'RE GETTIN INTO YOU G0TTA GROW UP AND HAVE SEX FIRST CUZ THE WATCH DOES TABOO SO WE DON'T GIT ANY saided Uncle Ben.
Jon sez D0NT BE S0 ER0T0NORMATIVE SEX IZ ST00PID.
Then Tyri0n or Tyridina cuz he could change sex cuz essentialism sux and was half dwarf half dir3wolf half drag0n half cactus half Tang3rine cuz Tang3rines r00led bef0re tha Bathr00ns chang3d th3 paradigm anyways Tyri0n is liek IM CARNAVALESQU3 ITS IN BAKHTIN D00ODZ. YO BASTARD D00D EMBRACE YOUR BASTARD ID3NTITY LIK I DO MY DWARF ID3NTITY CUZ SOCIETY DISSES BOTH OF US SO LET'S SAY SCREW YOU S0CIETY CUZ YOUR NORMS ARE TOTAL CRAP.
And Jon like YOU GO D00D.
Lat3r Sansa goes to Ned and sez DAD PWEASE CAN WE GO 2 KINGS WANDING CUZ I WUV JOFFEY HE'S SO OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!1!111 Coz Santa was liek trends3tter at Wint3rhell n kn3w all teh lat3st fashi0ns from Kings Landin liek Ziryab in Cord0va he sh0wed them all the lat3st harestylez fr0m Baghdad n stuf. Sansa did W-speak like saying wuv instead of love, which gr0wnups th0ughted wuz qyoot but lat3r J0ff has her punish3d f0r it cuz hes a j3rk.
But Aria th0ught the kewl girlie stuff was sux so she wore boys clothez and helmets and played rugby and a duh and Sansa's friends like Jane Fool said Y0 ARIA HOS3FACE U SUX CUZ WE R L00KIST. But only when Sansa wasn't around cuz she's like WE MUSTN'T BE MEAN CUZ IT ISN'T WADYWIKE AWIA DO YOU THINK JOF IS DWEAMY.
SUCH SUX MANY ST00PID sez Aria.
Then Septa that's a girl septum that's a pri3st in their religion It's called the 7 Tha Sev3n wuz Jung archatyp3s tha faces in the weirdw00dz wer3 liek Rorschach tests. The weird woods was the N0rth religion and the S3ven was the south Ned wuz N0rth and Cat was south. Any ways Septa comes in and is like YO GIRLZ HOW'S THE SEWIN LET ME SEE IF YOU'RE DOIN F3MININITY RIGHT.
I DID A BWOIDEWY THAT SHOWS H0W JOF IS DWEAMY sez Santa.
THAT'S B3AUTIFUL YOU MEET TEH ESS3NTIALISM CRITERIA OF FEMININE said Septa. LET ME LOOK AT Y0URS ARIA.
And Arias liek HOW NO cuz her broidery litterally looked like crap cuz she tried to make it l00k like a pigskin.
U S000000000 DONT GIT GEND3R ROLEZ said Septa. And Jane Fool is like ROFL.
And Aria run to her r00m and slammed the door and then Jon knocks and sez YO ARIA WE G0TTA DO SIBLIN BONDIN STUFF CUZ I'M G0IN TO THE WALL ITS WAY UP N0RTH SO WE GET SEPARATED AND DO PATH0S N I GotTA MUSS UR HARE SO U CAN D0 PATH0S 2 IT LAT3R.
MUCH BOO HOO is like Aria.
SO I'M GIVIN YOU THIS SW0RD SO YOU CAN UNDERMINE F3MININITY CUZ I'M A BASTARD SO I THINK S0CIAL NORMZ SUX said Jon.
And Aria is like V3RY SWORD MUCH AWES0ME HOW NEEDLE WOW.
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And Catalan tells Ned YO D00D MY SIST3R MAD DRAMA QUEEN LISA SEND ME A LETTER VIA RAVEN MAIL CUZ WE DON'T HAEV AIRPLANES SHE SEZ TH3 LAST HAND THATS PRIME MINISTER G0T KILT AND KIN LANDIN IS LIKE A T0TAL SNAKE PIT SO YOU G0TTA CLEAN IT UP AND LANNISTERS PR0BABLY DID IT CUZ THEY'RE EVIL BUT YOU KN3W THAT.
OK sez Ned. I DO NORMATIEV ESSENTIALISM STUFF 2.