News Archive: Hell

Sept. 28, 2008

Hell City (orcinf) -- The staff of Commiecom's laboratories leaked the first pictures of their newest technological achievement today, a mobile computer that is destined to make a big impact on Fredonia's market. According to Dr. C. Anderpantz, the chief developer, Hell's first sub-notebook or 'netbook' is a true inter-universal cooperation. "We worked closely with our friends and comrades at Let A Thousand Dear Leaders Bloom Microtechnology, Pyongyang", Anderpantz said. "They really helped us to transcend the limits of today's technology."

Anderpantz admitted, though, that the new product was not perfect yet. "The screen is a bit small", he said. "But that was the only way to stay under the 20 kg limit, to make the notebook portable for any orc with normal physical strength." He promised, though, that this problem would be addressed in future models.

Leaked picture of the new Commiecom netbook

Aug. 12, 2008

Bitterfelt (orcinf) -- The Fredonian Olympics are coming up, and the entire Helluvan team is threatened with a ban for doping. The spokeswoman of Hell's athletes, weightlifting champion Sweatlana Kowstemmer, dismissed the allegations that had been uttered last week. "We never took anything illegal", she thundered on a press conference in her deep bass voice, nervously twiddling her beard.

The athletes claim that all substances found in their blood are part of Hell's normal air pollution. To back up this claim, they have invited the Fredonian Olympic Committee to test Hell's air on the discovered chemicals. Yesterday evening, the president of the FOC, Châtelain Christopher MDCCCXCII of Tol Kien, arrived at the Helluvan training center in Bitterfelt and, according to his speakers, will conduct tests "as soon as he stops coughing".

May 30, 2008

Capital City / Hell (Capital News) -- Capital City's daily, The Subprime Standard, has rejected Hell's official explanation for the powerful blast of May 28th. According to the paper, Hell's claim about "exploding Tolkien books" is highly cheesy because the same government officially decided that Tolkien did not exist. It also reveals that in the past years, a significant part of Hell's defense budget has been funnelled off to the Department for Nuclear Physics, headed by an orc named Lorti Eddem.

Last not least, The Subprime Standard printed an interview that was secretly conducted with Dan de Lion, a hobbit who was brought to Hell City Hospital yesterday morning with badly burned feet. De Lion claims that when he was "stealing, I mean, collecting bird eggs" in the unpopulated heathland southeast of Empthy that night, he suddenly saw "a giant glowing mushroom not far away", which looked so tasty that he could not restrain himself and ran right towards it.

The Daily Worcer of Hell, in response to these accusations, once again called the very idea that Hell might be testing nuclear weapons "ridiculous" and "a conspiracy against us".

May 28, 2008

Capital City / Hell (Capital News) -- Concerns were rising across Fredonia after a mysterious explosion shook the south of County Hell yesterday night. As several shepherds on the southern Ouiskie plain reported, a bright flash of light could be seen just beyond the Helluvan border at precisely 2:17 AM, followed by a loud rumbling sound, a hot wind and a shaking of the ground. The quake was also felt beyond the Cordon Sanitaire. "Several of my perfume flasks fell from my nightstand and shattered", complained Fragrantine, a young girl from Lavender. Even in Oxfat, the seismographic institute recorded a slight tremor, though this might have been caused as well by Prof. Horus Engels stomping around in an adjacent lecture hall.

The Helluvan official press remained quiet about the incident this morning. But as the day progressed, pressure from other Fredonian fiefs increased to look into this affair. Capital City news channels were the first to speculate that the government of Hell might have tested a nuclear weapon. "It would fit into the picture of their continued military buildup", said a worried broker at the Capital City stock exchange. The government of Hell immediately rejected such speculations as "despicable slander" and blamed the explosion on an accident. According to spokesman Burph Sossytch-Meetboll, a careless collector of fantasy novels had put a Tolkien book and a Pullman book on the same shelf, which caused an immediate combustion. The Helluvan officials admitted there was a slight increase of the level of radioactivity in the area, but blamed it on the elves. "Who knows what they've been spraying in the Cordon again", said Sossytch-Meetboll.

Jan. 31, 2008

Hell City (orcinf) -- The results of the Comgress election in County Hell exceeded expectations. Voter turnout rose to 137% in Filthy and 145% in Tasthy, setting new record marks for these districts. Participation reached a stellar 1600% in the district Bluh, whose sole inhabitant Commissar Bluh said that it would have been even higher if he had not run out of ballot papers. According to Bluh, the high turnouts are unmistakeable signs how serious the orcs of Hell are about democratic values.

Even in Hell City North, where fangirls could vote for the Psychedelic Hair Association, the elections were mainly quiet and uneventful. Election supervisors were relieved to note that most fangirls turned out to be too young to vote anyway.

The actual results were classified as top secret by Hell's secret services, KGBork and NKVDork, and thus cannot be told to anyone. The government assured, however, that this would not lead to confusion amongst the contestants for Comgress seats. "It's actually very easy", a speaker of the Comgress told the Daily Worcer, "if you arrive and someone's sitting at your place, you're out."

Hell City (orcinf) -- This weekend Hell elects a new Comgress. Aside from a glorious proof of Hell's unwavering commitment to democracy, these elections will also be a first test for the new polling booths made of transparent plastic, designed to make election fraud nearly impossible.

As usual, the county is divided in seven electoral districts: Hell City North, Hell City South, Filthy, Industhry, Tasthy, Empthy and Bluh. The district Bluh consists only of the First Commissar's apartment and was introduced to make sure the First Commissar is elected in his district with a 100% result, which gives him/her/it the necessary authority to do this job.

The following parties have nominated candidates in all seven constituencies: Bolshevork Party; Bolshevork Party-Orthodox Faction; Bolshevork Party-Progressive Faction; Bolshework Party-New Way; Bolshevork Party-True Way (Majority); Bolshevork Party-True Way (Minority); Bolshevork Party-Yet Another Way; Bolshevork Party-Renewal; Bolshevork Party-The Only Real One; Bolshevork Party-The Only Real One(2).

Unexpectedly, the Fangirl Psychedelic Hair Association has met the requirements to stand in Hell City North. This has caused constant worries in the Orcish population for the past days, but today General Confomromitz promised he will deploy officers to every polling station to rule out any improper behaviour or wrong voting.

The polling stations close at 20:00 on Stalinday, with first results expected on early Potday. The Comgress has no power of its own, but it advises the ruling Commissars of the Bolshevork Party in all important issues.