News Archive: Tiundaland

Aug. 20, 2008

The wilderness to the north (Capital News) -- A new political actor has appeared on the Fredonian scene: the populist Osbert Blatherwycke, who tries to establish a following in Fredonia on a three-point programme: 1. A total stop on immigration. 2. Tax cuts and 3. A policeman under (or, depending on preferences, in) every citizen's bed. However, so far Blatherwycke has not been very successful. Not even the orcs seem to like him.

"We are trying to find a way to expel Blatherwycke", says Superintendent Horatio Catchem of the Fredonian Police Department. "There are sincere doubts as to how a person with his opinions could be a true native of Fredonia."

April 06, 2008

New Library (Capital News) -- Reports have arrived here from the wild forests to the east that a band of the notorious psychophants are on the loose. In the forests of the eel clans, they waylaid an innocent Finn and tried to force him to drink water. The Finn fought bravely against this evil fate, and before the worst could happen, he was rescued by some members of the eel clans who heard his cries for help. At the sight of the rescue party, the cowardly psychophants let go of the Finn and disappeared southwards.

The rescuers report that the psychophants were very evil-looking and openly flaunted several bottles labelled "H2O". Says Superintendent Horatio Catchem of the Fredonia Police Department: "We suspect the culprits are in cahoots with the smurfs. This infamous assault bears all the hallmarks of a smurf conspiracy."

March 18, 2008

Tiundaland (Capital News) -- According to the chief librarian at the New Library, the brutally mangled body of a troll has been found in the forests of Tiundaland. The remains appear to be those of a so-called "red troll", who had been lynched by a gang of black trolls for ethnic or religious or possibly aesthetic reasons. The manner of dispatching the unfortunate creature was the one traditional among trolls: they whipped him to a pulp with their tails.

The sachem of the black trolls, Nickabrick, did not return our call, and his office refused to comment on the matter. The sachem of the red trolls, Brumpkin, is reportedly meditating in The Cave of the Weeping Gods and is not to be disturbed.

Asked about the matter, Superintendent Horatio Catchem of the Fredonian Police Department shrugged. "We can't investigate the matter without being accused of meddling in the internal affairs of the trolls", he told our reporter. "No doubt the trolls will settle it in their own way, that is to say, by a gang of red trolls whipping a black troll to a mush with their tails. One must respect their traditonal way of life, which enshrines a wisdom that our narrow, linear way of thought has lost."

Feb. 24, 2008

Temple of Tyope (pim, confl) -- An unusually agressive Balrog, calling himself Mr. Science, has taken lodging in the outskirts of Temple of Tyope, demanding passers-by to perform sacrifices for him. Body parts, first-born sons, urine samples - this particular Rog seems less fastidious then his more cultivated cousins.

Rogsylvania denies any connections to this new embarassing menace in strongest terms. A Rogsylvanian official speculated that the newcomer might be Ralph, an annoying quasi-criminal balrog and outcast.

Jan. 02, 2008

Temple of Tyope (sg) -- As Fredonia revived after the New Year celebrations, it was discovered that one of the arms of Tyope on the statue crowning Her temple had fallen off, apparently dislodged by a rocket. Says Superintendent Horatio Catchem of the Fredonian Police Department: "The culprits may be drunken members of the Wildschwein Clan, or of the Eel Clan, or Finns; or a combination of people from those groups. Our investigations continue with ruthless dedication. The blasphemers must be caught!"